Balls

I have internet connection issues today, so there's only going to be one post.

And check it, it's Halloween-related!

Offended by UGLY

Ignore the attempt at a "funny" costume and check out his head. I've seen a lot of drunk people in my day, but I have never seen anyone look that bad. Seriously. Steve Irwin's now-rotting face is probably still more attractive than that mess.

And this is coming from someone who doesn't hate Bill Maher. Jesus.

Finally

The World (by "World" I mean "United States") Series is finally over, and that means I can return to my regularly scheduled Fox programming.

Which is pretty much "House."

There are so many questions I need answered...Will Foreman continue to be awesome? Will Cameron finally grow up? Will Chase speak?

Oh Yes

I forgot to give my mini-review/recap of last week's "Lost."

It sucked.

I Hate This

Ooh, Burger King! You're ever-so-risqué! I thought that fellow was going to say "shit," but he said "sit" instead! As a consumer, I must admit I am impressed by your sassy "screw the man!" attitude. It's like you know just how I joke around when I'm with my friends! This really is taking humor in commercials to a new level. Amazing.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Colosseum

I have never been to Rome, but I think I've got the gist of it based on films I've seen: The Colosseum was built by Caligula (Malcolm McDowell) so he could have sex with his sister. Peter O'Toole and Helen Mirren were also involved somehow. Perhaps best known for the song "Chariots of Fire," the Colosseum was also the place a drunken Audrey Hepburn wanted to visit in Roman Holiday. Partly destroyed by the Australian gladiator Russel Crowe, Fredrico Fellini spent a great deal of his own money to restore it for his hit feature film, The Core.

Fat Nicole in Treatment

Nicole Richie has checked into some kind of treatment center to help her gain weight because she is not a drug addict, bulimic, or anorexic.

She is, however, a fucking heifer. Seriously. She needs to lose more weight if anything.

Question...

Is Paul Bettany hot? Sometimes I think he is, but then I remember he's blonde, so he can't be. It's a very confusing time for me.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Rush vs. Fox

Jessica Biel

Can someone - anyone - please explain the appeal to me? Is it just because she's sexy? I mean, I think she's okay, but it's not like she's any better than hundreds of other model/actresses waiting tables and sucking cocks in L.A. Same thing with Jessica Alba. Maybe I just don't care about bitches named Jessica.

Oh Jesus

If you take the top half of Scarlett Johansson's face and glue it to the lower half of Michelle Williams' face, it kind of looks like Amy Sedaris.

I need to go to bed.

30 Seconds to PAIN

Jared Leto reportedly assulted Elijah Wood at some awards show put on by MTV, and it is the saddest story I have ever read in my life.

I kind of hate little Elijah Wood, but who would actually try to pick a fight with him? It's so crazy I almost think it's not true, but then I rememeber Jared Leto decided to start wearing makeup and play in a emorock band called "30 Seconds to Mars" so he can continue to fuck 17-year-olds who have no idea what "My So-Called Life" was.

So really and truly, anything is possible. Hobbits.

Naomi Campbell Arrested for the 344 Time

Naomi Campbell has been arrested again, but this time she didn't beat the shit out of an assistant - she assulted her drug counselor! How awesome is this bitch?

Real World? Websites!

Trishelle - Las Vegas!

Irene - Seattle!

Julie - New Orleans!

Andre - New York I (remember??)!

Check "The Sun" Daily

They just don't give a fuck anymore! It's awesome. Heather Mills is threatening to sue, and here's how they retort:

"At one point in the papers, one-legged Heather said she had to crawl to the toilet at night without her false limb on because ex-Beatle Paul, 64, objected to her using a bedpan in their bedroom.

A friend of Kate said: 'Kate reassured Stella that she knew Heather was a liar because she had seen her hopping around.

'She said she was ‘jumping around like a fucking gazelle’ and is prepared to swear to it, in court if necessary.'"

and

"Here are lies which show she has not got a reputation to defend.

LIE 1: Lady Mucca frantically denied working as a prostitute. But in July it emerged she was a £5,000-a-night hooker whose clients including arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi and an Arab prince."

It's all so much fun! It's by far the best divorce to ever happen.

True Story

Last night I fell asleep with the TV on. When I rolled over this morning to knock off the alarm, I opened my eyes to see the face of Lisa Rinna staring down at me. I was genuinely freaked out for a second. Bitch is scary-looking.

Though she does have killer mom-hair. If your mom's a slut.

Gwyneth Paltrow

I kind of liked you up until two hours ago when I realised you're still trying to pull that "morose and cute" bullshit. That's Winona Ryder's job.

Panic Attack

What should I dress as for Halloween?

I will not do: slutty costumes, anime, or puns. All other suggestions will be considered.

Practical Uses for Shit

Though Vegemite is now illegal in the US (maybe?), we can still eat Marmite, it's British cousin. I'm sure insane purists will tell me there are dozens of differences between the two spreads, but nasty is nasty so fuck 'em. Those people don't eat peanut butter.

But anyway, if you decide to buy an overpriced jar of Marmite and find it too disgusting to actually swallow (it's a bitter, black yeast extract!), you can make sure it doesn't go to waste and make "Marmart."

To the left you'll find Jude Law. Class-y.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Christ Redeemer

Here we go. Okay, look, I know Brazil is a predominantly Catholic country so they probably love the Jesus a whole lot, but is this really a Wonder of the World? Seriously, it's only been there since 1931. That's not enough time to be considered a Wonder! In my opinion, it needs to survive at least 2 centuries and at least one large-scale disaster. Well, maybe that shouldn't happen. If a Jesus statue on a mountain survives an earthquake, you just know they're going to start saying it's magic or something.

I thought Catholics were all about Mary, anyway.

Dear Mary-Kate,

Choose Life.

Alone and 64

I am loving this McCartney divorce! Now I could be wrong, but the latest update is Heather Mills taped or recorded conversations where Paul was beating her? Or maybe calling her names? Well, it doesn't matter because normal people do not go into arguments with a tape recorder handy, unless you're thinking about divorcing your billionaire husband.

She wants £100 million ($ 186 million +) but may get only 2, according to The Sun (one of my favorite tabloids). Clearly the problem is she overreached. £50 million should have been the starting point, fool. I hope Sir Paul of Wings beat you with your own wooden leg.

Question...

Is Steve from "Blue's Clues" hot?

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Chichen Itza

Hey look, it's the Chichen Itza in Mexico! It's some kind of Mayan thing, and there were human sacrifices held here long long ago. I think it's the only human sacrifice-related Wonder of the 21 proposed, so I believe it should immediately bypass any voting and go ahead and make it to the top seven. How righteously morbid is this place?

Find It!

I've never been one of those people who can tell you what their favorite movie is. There are plenty of films I like, and they are all good in their own special way, but now, at long last, I have found my Favorite Movie Ever.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

It is, without question, the greatest film ever made. It's got everything I've ever wanted a movie to have - killer dialogue, snappy clothes, groovy music, sex sex sex, drugs drugs drugs, parties, voice-overs, montages, lesbians, boxers, bad accents, decapitations, a slutty character with my name, and most importantly - literary allusions.

Literary allusions.

If you've never seen it, please do your life a favor and buy the DVD. Watch it. Love it. Live it. It has my official endorsement. You'll thank me later.

Baby Steps!

I was driving around listening to "Toxic" last night and it made me miss old Brit. I think it's going to happen. She knows she looks good. I'm excited.

No Fucking Way

Um, Hello Magazine says Tony Blair may add David Beckham to the shortlist of those to be knighted. Now, I know that means absolutely nothing anymore, but the magazine says,

"[...] there can be little doubt that the Beckhams are among Britain's best-loved and most respected public figures. The Real Madrid star has, in the words of one insider, "become the enduring sporting icon of this generation", while his wife is known as the UK's most fashionable celeb."

Seriously? That's just weird.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Angkor

This is a wonder I recognize. It's the Angkor in Cambodia. That's where Maddox Jolie-Pitt was born! He's such a cute little kid, with that mohawk haircut and devil-may-care gleam in his dark brown eyes he just steals my heart away. The Khmer Rouge ("khmer rouge" in French) used to run Cambodia and killed about a million people, and now the survivor's grandchildren are being spirited away by Hollywood celebrities - poor Cambodia. Maybe this wonder should actually make the list. They deserve it.

New Fall Shows

It's just struck me that I'm not watching any of them.

Well, I did see one episode of "Ugly Betty." It was pretty good. I have a girlcrush on Salma Hayek like you cannot understand.

Are you watching any of the new shoes? Do you know of anyone who is?

America's Lost Project

Top Model - AJ had stupid stupid hair, so I have no problem with seeing her go. And who'd have thunk that one of the weird butch twins is a gay? I think this show would be about a million times better if they had an all-lesbian season. Miss Jay counts.

Lost - I think I liked this episode, but not as much as last week's. I'm always happy to hang out with Locke, but Charlie needs to be mauled by a polar bear ASAP. Desmond was naked but still full of creepy facial hair, and Vision Boone was hotter than he ever was on the show, possibly due to lack of eyeliner. I am finally introduced to Paolo (Rodrigo Santon) and can only assume he and I will be married at some point.

Project Runway - Jeffrey, the Taylor Hicks of PR won the fucking show. Steven Tyler is stoked. Look for his exclusive line at a Hot Topic near you.

Can't Think of a Title

So there's this show called "Grey's Anatomy" that everyone seems to watch but me. I'm vaguely aware of what a "McDreamy" is, and I know Ellen Pomeranian is funny looking; but little did I know the cast is filled with brawling homophobes.

T.R. Knight is the gay one, by the way. That means absolutely nothing to me.

I support a totally different show about doctors, a show where there's not a lot of sleeping around. There is a lot of drug use though, and occasional racism. And sexism. And constant hottness.

Here's the Thing...

I have no major issues with musicans putting on benefit concerts for shitty countries (see Harrison, George), but there's something about MySpace's "Rock for Darfur" that seems really lame to me.

Maybe it's because Insane Clown Posse is participating.

Maybe it's because "a portion" of your ticket purchase will go to OxFam.

Maybe it's because of the logo.

It's almost certianly because of the logo.

Omigod

Uncle Nick has created a totally cute apron for Bravo's "Top Chef." I assume you can purchase it (for me) on their website.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Alhambra

Google images tells me this is the Alhambra in Granada, Spain. I guess it's some kind of village or castle or something, I really can't be bothered to research it because I've never even heard of it, so it can't be that fucking great. I know a ton about Granada Television, though. It's in Britain and they produced some of my favorite gay programs like "Jeeves and Wooster," the "Brideshead Revisited" minseries, and the greatest daytime talk show of all time, "The Jeremy Kyle Show." That shit is like Maury meets Rikki Lake - squared.

Jonathan Rhys Myers

He's gay, right?

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Acropolis

This is the first entry in a 21-part series where I will be mocking the shortlist of architectural sites that have been nominated to become the "New" Seven Wonders of the (Fucking) World.

If you're interested in this sort of thing, you can vote online.

First up? The Acropolis in Athens, Greece.

Wikipedia tells me there are lots of acropoli in Greece, but this is the best-known one, probably because of the replica of the Parthenon in Nashville. Otherwise it's just some scaffolding. Fuck this place. Seriously. The steps are falling apart, you have to climb to get there, and it is not within walking distance to McDonald's like the one here is.

Good Idea? Bad Idea?

Rumor is my girl Scarlett is going to release an album of Tom Waits covers. While there is no doubt of her street cred in my mind, I really can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I'll still love her, though. No matter what.

In Other Has-Been News...

Wesley Snipes is a dumbass and didn't pay his taxes.

When it comes to tax fraud or evasion or whatever, I kind of can't help but think you're doing this intentionally. Actors hire people to do this shit for them, so unless he's been royally fucked over by H&R Block, I have no pity for him.

On the other hand, I have seen Demolition Man at least 5 times, so maybe I deserve some pity.

Axel Foley Knocks Up Scary Spice

I'm sure the kid will grow up more well-adjusted than the new baby Madonna just bought.

Dental Issues Continued

Had to go back for another replacement cap after I broke the first one in a barfight over who's hotter - Axl Rose today or Brett Michaels today?

Answer - Brett.

Guess What?

I just got back from the dentist and I feel rough. Very rough. Charlie Sheen date-rape rough. So nothing will be written today, either.

Still feel like wasting time? Why don't you click on some of the links to the right? They're there for a reason.

Sorry Youse Guys

I've had a super fucking busy week with school, so there have been few posts going on lately. I promise to make it up to you over the weekend, because I don't plan on doing shit. Once again, I apologise.

The Worst Day of Your Life

Screech tape is out. That's a link to the site if you actually want to buy it, so I really wouldn't click on it if I were you. If you are, however, still interested in the history of "celebrity" sex tapes, Wikipedia is a pretty good resource.

Ugly TV Mom X

Annie Camden

How Great is YOUR Local News?

Probably not as awesome as Nashville's! It'll kick you in the balls, so says Nemesisboy!

This Just In!

Madonna may or may not have adopted a baby! Perhaps! No one can really say! Remember her cornrows?!

Jay-Z, Beyonce Go to Africa (not China)

Jay-Z looks really awkward, doesn't he? Red does not go with fatigues and polo shirts. Maybe he's gone to Africa for a spiritual quest after the crushing blow of having his concert in Shanghai canceled for being "too vulgar." Nigga what?

True Fact

Bring it On is the greatest Kirsten Dunst movie about cheerleading ever made.

Dreams Come True!!!!

Paris and Nicole are BFF again!!! Now if only I could find the courage to end my long-standing feud with Jennifer Love Hewitt, the world would be at peace agan.

Oh, Keith...

Keith Michael wrote an open letter to Blogging Project Runway. Here it is in full. Do you believe his side of the story? I think I do. Even though I think "Project Runway" is the best reality TV show out there, it's still reality TV.

Dr. Phil is a Crappy Neighbor

So much so that the residents shut him down!

I don't get it, personally. I would love to have a television crew move in next door, park all over the street, run wires and cables all around the home, and then populate said home with drug addicts, racists, crazy violent people, and Dr. Phil. What about that does not seem fun?

Trashley's Boyfriend Discusses Tennessee Politics

Which kind of makes no sense, because he's English. Whatever. They like to pretend they are known for their sense of humor (or, "humour") instead of The Beatles and the sad remains of their shattered empire. Here's what he has to say about some of those who Stand with Harold.

Dara Howe, Mother, Oak Hill - I stand with Harold Ford because I think he has sensible ideas and a fresh, vigorous approach that will lead us to a better future for ALL Tennesseans.

Exploitation? What do you mean???

Susan Acito, Homemaker, Kingsport - I stand with Harold because he will give us a change of direction from the incumbents who have ignored their constituents in Tennessee. He will work to bring back to Tennessee the tax money that has been taken from our paychecks, instead of watching it go to every other state.

WHOA, what the hell is that? And what on Earth is a homemaker, does she make homes? Or does she mean UNEMPLOYED CRAP MUSICIAN? Susan Acito's greatest hits: 'All my goddamn money went to those bastards from Kentucky'. 'Leaving on that subsidised train franchise to Georgia'. And 'Mississippi, what the Hell do they need the money for?

Nathaniel Miles, Business Owner, Republican Activist, Nashville - I'm fed up when I fill up! I am Nathaniel Miles and I support Harold Ford, Jr.'s message.

Bit of rubbish Republican isn't he? Still you can tell he's diehard when 2 cents on the gallon sends him scurrying to the other side. Christ, he should live over here.

Ray E. Robbins, Elvis Impersonator, Knoxville - I stand with Harold because he supports the idea of being energy independent.

I like the way they have to tell us what his job is.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Mark Foley sex scandal!

Question...

Is Vincent Gallo hot?

Please really, really think about it before you reply. Take into account whatever you like: Penis, films, music, racism, whatever. Just think about it.

Sweet Baby Jesus

It appears that God has taken no part in knocking up Keisha Castle-Hughes , the girl you know from Whale Rider. Well, she's going to play Virgin Mary in this holiday season's(!) The Nativity Story, but her boyfriend claims to be the father! I say he and God take this to "The Maury Show," where all things Good take place. She is only 16, after all.

Deep Thoughts

If Paris Hilton is punched by Shanna Moakler over Travis Barker, does the fist to jaw contact make a sound?

How many orphaned babies will die because celebrities won't adopt them?

How many times will Eva Longoria cry for help before I care who she is or what she does?

Irrelevant

"People" magazine paid about $1 million dollars for the pictures of Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern's "commitment ceremony." They were set the fuck up. Clearly this couple are not in a relationship in any way, but funerals and new babies are expensive. God willing, someday I'll be famous and wasted enough to fake marry my lawyer, too.