"Pork and Beans"

So I guess Rivers Cuomo decided to spend his spare time dicking around on the internet like everyone else instead of writing pop songs...you know, that one thing he was good at 15 years ago.

"Stop the Music/Play the Song/And We'll Dance Together/All Night Long"

Last week, I was given Clay Aiken's On My Way Here so I could hilariously and mercilessly review it. But it is, in a word, unlistenable. I tried, so help me I tried, but I cannot sit and force myself to pay attention to the weak, faux-inspirational meanderings of Mr Aiken. With all due respect.

Instead, here's a story about him becoming a father. Allegedly. That's pretty camp.

More Like the WRONG Stuff!

Like all reasonable 6-year-olds in 1990, I was in absolute love with New Kids on the Block. Years of television and huffing have worn away all but the vaguest memories - a cartoon here, a poster there. I believe a branded sleeping bag was involved somehow. I don't even know how I was aware of pop music merchandising at that tender age, but aware I was and buy into it I did.

To be honest, I can't even remember all of their names anymore without the help of Wikipedia, so forgive me for not exactly wetting my pants over the reunion. No doubt they have bills to pay like all of us, and I'm not against boy band reunions in either practice or principle. I'm just not expecting their new songs to be any fucking good.

Yeah, new songs, that's how I'm judging boy bands from now on. Nostalgia and hardheadedness can excuse away many a classic track, but "Hangin' Tough" sucks and we all know it. If you want me to butter your lo-carb bread, you're going to have to pull out all the stops, my friend. Why should I pay to see you now that you're old and ugly? Chances are you're going to destroy what nice childhood memories I had, vague as they might have been. Give me something new and good, maybe we'll talk.

The Gold Standard of boy band reunions is Take That, a mid-90's Brit act almost totally unknown in he US. "Back for Good" was a minor hit, but Jesus, these guys were huge in the UK. It was kind of a big deal when they reunited (minus Robbie Williams) a couple of years ago, and became an even bigger deal when their new songs were really fucking good.


I want to get married to this song I love it so much.

It's absurd how much money they're making in Britain this very minute, from touring, record sales, song licensing, and even modelling and spokesmanship. It helps that they've actually gotten much hotter with age, something that NKOTB managed to sidestep completely.

So what we have left is this: mostly ugly dudes singing old songs that weren't that great to begin with and new songs that are probably going to suck to a bunch of people that don't really remember them that well anyway. I'm hoping your breath wasn't particularly bated.

I Am Old Now

I don't know the answers to any of the following questions:

What are The Jonas Brothers? Do they date Miley Cyrus? Are they Nickelodeon or Disney? Are they actually brothers like Hanson, or are they fake brothers like the Doobies? Do they have anything to do with Hayden Panini-tiara? Were they real or invented? Which one is the cute one? Are any of them old enough to be cute? Is there a gay one? Are they popular for real?

Spotlight On: 'Idols' I Hate

I sometimes feel uncomfortable about criticising people in the public eye. Ali Lohan is just a kid, Britney Spears is clearly mentally ill, and though they, and the people who sign themselves up for the 'American Idol' freakshow are, in a sense, asking for it, they're still people. David Cook is just a guy. A normal guy who clearly is a total douchebag.

There must be something innately horrible in a 25-year-old man (with a soul patch!) who intentionally puts himself on 'American Idol.' And make no mistake, this guy is in it to win it. It's not a stoner joke gone bad (cough-JasonCastro-cough), it's a sincere attempt to become...what? Rich? Famous? Credible?

Hell if I know. The vulgar pop-rock he vomits in my face week after week is by no means going to make him credible, if that's what he's after. Rock + American Idol do not work, unless you are DAUGHTRY™ and this guy clearly is not. I'm not DAUGHTRY ™ fan, but at least he's not a smug asshole who used a vocoder on a Whitesnake version of a Beatles song.

Rich? I seriously doubt it. You can do alright for yourself as Idols: hit the summer tour, go on Tyra and maybe sell some albums to housewives and 11-year-olds, but it's never going to be the coke and titties Jager life you know David Cook wants it to be. He's already too old for this shit, and if he wants success I suggest something in the IT field. He can earn some money and not be in my face at the same time!

So it's got to be fame. He is who he is and he wants us to know every cocky, delusional, date-rapey facet of his fat-faced existence. So I have no problem making fun of him. I'd make fun of him if I knew him in real life, which I basically do. We all do. We've seen him hitting on drunk girls with the line that he's a rocker, we've seen him secretly check his wallet when a black guy walks by, and we've seen him driving down the street with the windows down and Our Lady Peace way up.

Do we really have to see him on TV?

Did You Know She Was in "Johnny English?"

As a general rule, I can pretty much live without Australia. It's really far away, and other than Cate Blanchett and Geoffry Rush (who might as well be British), it hasn't done much for me lately.

Until this past weekend. That's when I learned Daniel Johns, public anorexic and singer of former-teen rock band Silverchair is married to Natalie "Torn" Imbrulgia. And they have been for a few years! Why did no one tell me?

First of all: hilarious. I have no idea what their celebrity status is in the rest of the world, but as far as these harsh American eyes are concerned, I could not have paired this couple up better myself. What little relevance they had has been reduced to VH1 reminisces and bargain CD racks at gas stations. That they found love with one another means a lot to cynical ol' bitchy me.

You know what's even better about Mr. Daniel Johns? His makeover. He really did wage a much-ignored public battle with anorexia, and by the looks of his neck and facial hair he's well on his way to recovery. I think Silverchair is trying to make some sort of comeback.

Oh, Australia. If you keep throwing me these delicious bones eventually I'll have no choice but to admit you exist.

Prison is Awesome

I thought Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason one one of the dumbest movies I'd ever seen, thanks in no small part to the choreographed singalong she organizes in a jail in Southeast Asia. Then I saw this video of inmates in the Philippines doing the entire zombie dance from "Thriller" (balding drag queen girlfriend included) and now I understand Edge of Reason is the most hilariously realistic film ever made. Thanks, Asia.

Hey Nashville!

You've read about it in the papers, you've heard the kids gossiping in the streets...now it's time to see (and hear and feel) exactly what it's all about!

The first Summer of Dreamz dance party will take place Friday, August 3rd. At the 5 Spot. In the East Side. I will play sexy music alongside DJ Bawston Sean and Linwood Turncoat, so make sure you come over and shake shake it with the prettiest dreamerz Nashville has to offer.

Bring some cash, bring some smilez, and don't forget - bring your dreamz. They will come true.

help plz

Someone please tell me how to feel about A) This single and B) Billy Corgan's comedy kimono. I'm so conflicted! Do wonderful memories of the past allow one to overlook the seeming mediocrity of the present? That kimono is a joke, right? This song is better than anything Panic! At the Disco will ever do, right? Am I just old? Already? There are too many feelings!

Rihanna - "Umbrella"

Greatest pop song of the summer, of the year, or the past five years?

Discuss.

Context!

I wonder what happened to Blind Melon's Bee Girl? What if they're dating?? That would be as awesome as an independent coffee shop that also sells used records.

Moving On

I've moved on (a little) from yesterday's love of Hanson. I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm more mature - the things I loved when I was twelve mean a little less today. Why? Well, I found a setlist from a recent Smashing Pumpkins reunion show. Now the things I loved when I was fourteen are all I care about.

Highlights, you say? Well, how about: Today, Bullet with Butterfly Wings, Rocket, 1979, Tonight, Tonight, Zero, Disarm, Shame, Silverfuck, and Hummer. That's at least a solid 35 minutes of fucking awesome right there, kids. Certainly worth any new songs thrown at my face.

Gah, the '90s. I need to buy a babydoll dress and combat boots.

Da Shop Boyz: Culturally Retarded or Calling Us Out?

I'm betting you've heard the hip-hop hit "Rock Star" by Da Shop Boyz. At first I thought it was an okay song that reaffirmed the message of smarmy music journalists around the world: rap is the new rock because raw youth believes it to be more dangerous and sexy. But now, upon repeat listens, I'm torn - the song is total bullshit. Maybe.

The lyrics to "Rock Star" offend me on a very personal level: not because of the references to 'hos' and 'bitches,' but because there isn't a current, decent example of a rock star in the whole goddamn song. If you're going to write about pop culture, relevance is key. This of course begs the question: are they intentionally using passe examples as an exercise in irony, or are they really that stupid? Here's a list of the name-checked 'rock stars:'

Pamela (Anderson) - Not a rock star, but sleeps with some of the more famous party guys. Hasn't been even close to sexy for about 15 years.

Marilyn Manson - Is this who rappers consider a rock star? Are rappers 15-year-old Nebraskans living in 1994?

The Osbournes - If they had just mentioned Ozzy, it would have been fine. He does a ton of drugs, like rockstars are supposed to. But to bring in the whole family (on a golf course, no less) takes the bite out of the premise.

Travis Barker - I know who he is, but I really don't care. Does anyone care? I have no idea.

"cowabunga/totally dude" - Were the Ninja Turtles rock stars, or is this the key to everything? No one likes dead slang.

So what do you think? Are Da Shop Boyz totally ignorant of the rock music culture they profess to live, or are they taking the piss out of rock fans for not having any new icons? Or am I way overthinking a mildly catchy dance song?

You Caught Me!

Okay, look: if asked, I would say yes, I consider myself a feminist and agree with oh so many of the the third wave points and principles that are included in that admission. Especially important issues are reproductive rights (naturally) and the concept of gender being something not one is born with, but rather has imposed upon them because of the sex roles your culture has defined for you before you're even born. This applies of course to men as well as women, and clearly is something people struggle with (and will continue to struggle with) until there is a real, sincere effort from Western society as a whole to talk about why things are they way they are.

That said, children all look alike to me and I totally thought Celine Dion's son was a girl. It was wrong of me to make that assumption, but 1. I grew up in a culture where long hair = feminine and 2. those flowing golden locks will trick you every time. Fucking Canadians.

Yeah, Well

I've had finals and papers and stuff, so I haven't been wasting much time here. However, all bets are off next week and I'mma go see Mickey Avalon!

Buy Me!

Do you live in America? Have you ever watched TV? If so, then this is the CD for you! Music for TV Dinners features almost every bit of incidental music you've ever heard in cartoons, sitcoms, commercials, or film reels. It makes me want to throw a giant dinner party and wear killer strings of pearls.

TOO SOON??!?

Marilyn Manson recently took some time off from causing yet more school shootings to date a teenager. They're the perfect couple, really. His lyrics certainly indicate the emotional maturity of a teenager:

We'll be the worms in your apple pie
Fake abuse for our bios
Blacken our own eyes
The grass isn't greener on the other side
We set it on fire
And we have no reason why

That's a sample from (appropriately) "The Bright Young Things," a song from an album released in 2003. When he was 34 years old. He's trite, pointless, and sees himself as the tragic poet of a generation. He's kind of like Jim Morrison for a new millennium, if Jim Morrison had been really really ugly.

Perfection is Preparing to Descend

The Best People in the World, Jordan and Peter, have sold their reality show in America. You heard right, friends: Britain's favorite Trashbags will be airing their lives and loves on the E! network at the end of this month.

If you're not aware of the joy and wonder that is Jordan and Peter: she's a cheesecake model with really large breasts, and he's a former pop singer, I think. I don't actually know. They're sort of famous for being famous, but in a great trashy Federline way. I'm also pretty sure they have a handicapped baby. Anyway, they walk all over Posh and Becks any day of the week in my book, and in honor of the THOUSANDS of dollars that will go from us to them to Burberry, I present to you (again) "A Whole New World."



I'm so happy! And excited! Today is like Christmas for me, all these trashy Brits are kicking my ass.

Question...

Is this new Maroon 5 song as good as I'm afraid it is?

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