Bam! Don't Care.

So I was asked how I felt about Kristy Lee Cook's "AI" dismissal and it was hard for me to conjure up emotions - that shit happened like, days ago. Granted, I couldn't stand her smirky little face while it was on my TV but now that it's gone, it's almost as if she never happened. That's what's so great about reality television! I can care and not care at the same time!

There are some people who willingly exploit themselves, however, that are always fun to catch up with. For those of you playing along at home, I created a basic GiveAFuckometer™ to illustrate how important the real life of someone on TV actually is:

As you can see, my general rule is the sadder the person, the more interesting (and entertaining!) the life. "Cops" is the exception because, well, those are mostly poor people.

Spotlight On: Idols I Hate

I forget sometimes just how unironic 'American Idol' is. When Kristy Lee Cook sang "I'm Proud to be an American" last night, I thought it was great because I thought it was hilarious. The judges thought it was great because...they actually thought it was great. What?

Sincerity has no place in reality TV, and this freak is Mary Sunshining her way through week after week. I like people who are in on the joke or at least know how to pluck their eyebrows like an adult.

She's so achingly oblivious her personal quote on the 'Idol' homepage is "Rope it, ride it, wrestle it, cowgirl it." What again? If she had a self-aware bone in her body, she would realise this reads like she wants a bone in her body. But no, I think she's actually talking about a rodeo. A rodeo for Jesus, no doubt, who inspires her only a little more than her horses and dog. Whatever.

Oh, and on a final note: fuck you, Kristy Lee Cook for wanting to meet John Hagee (after Jesus and James Franco), one of the most hateful people to have ever lived. I doubt you want to meet him so you can kick him in the nuts, like a person with morals would. You're an asshole and I officially have no time for you starting...now.

Spotlight On: 'Idols' I Hate

I sometimes feel uncomfortable about criticising people in the public eye. Ali Lohan is just a kid, Britney Spears is clearly mentally ill, and though they, and the people who sign themselves up for the 'American Idol' freakshow are, in a sense, asking for it, they're still people. David Cook is just a guy. A normal guy who clearly is a total douchebag.

There must be something innately horrible in a 25-year-old man (with a soul patch!) who intentionally puts himself on 'American Idol.' And make no mistake, this guy is in it to win it. It's not a stoner joke gone bad (cough-JasonCastro-cough), it's a sincere attempt to become...what? Rich? Famous? Credible?

Hell if I know. The vulgar pop-rock he vomits in my face week after week is by no means going to make him credible, if that's what he's after. Rock + American Idol do not work, unless you are DAUGHTRY™ and this guy clearly is not. I'm not DAUGHTRY ™ fan, but at least he's not a smug asshole who used a vocoder on a Whitesnake version of a Beatles song.

Rich? I seriously doubt it. You can do alright for yourself as Idols: hit the summer tour, go on Tyra and maybe sell some albums to housewives and 11-year-olds, but it's never going to be the coke and titties Jager life you know David Cook wants it to be. He's already too old for this shit, and if he wants success I suggest something in the IT field. He can earn some money and not be in my face at the same time!

So it's got to be fame. He is who he is and he wants us to know every cocky, delusional, date-rapey facet of his fat-faced existence. So I have no problem making fun of him. I'd make fun of him if I knew him in real life, which I basically do. We all do. We've seen him hitting on drunk girls with the line that he's a rocker, we've seen him secretly check his wallet when a black guy walks by, and we've seen him driving down the street with the windows down and Our Lady Peace way up.

Do we really have to see him on TV?