Friendly Advice

Nail polish from the Gap is shit. Don't ever buy it. I take a deep red off of my hands this morning and my fucking nails are left stained like they've been sitting in bowls of cherry Kool-Aid. It's not coming off. My hands are ruined. I am going to have to wear fresh nail polish every day for at least 8 months while this shit grows out. I don't even really wear nail polish that often. My fingernails have just started to look kind of nice, and so I treat them with a little bit of sassy red, and look at what happens. This is fucking ridiculous. 

Are These Pictures Actually In My Face?

Do you like to watch morbidly obese people fall down? Do you like it when black women call themselves "sassy mamma" or when Italians give a shout-out to their 500 paisans back in Brooklyn? 

Well then, you racist, offensive son-of-a-bitch, Fox's "Hole in the Wall" is just the show for you! This American remake of a Japanese game show features our nation's fattest, most stereotyped clichés almost literally jump through hoops for your amusement!

I don't know what the point is, I don't know what the prize is, but there is no way this sort of ritual humiliation can be worth it. America did finally implode upon itself on September 11th, but it had nothing to do with airplanes and everything to do with ordinary citizens debasing themselves in shiny jumpsuits for, at most, 9 minutes on television.

I hope you're happy. May the Large Hadron Collider mercifully destroy us all.

"Pork and Beans"

So I guess Rivers Cuomo decided to spend his spare time dicking around on the internet like everyone else instead of writing pop songs...you know, that one thing he was good at 15 years ago.

She's Totally Going to Blow Up that Building

You know what Rachel Ray loves even more than shilling partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages for corporations while still maintaining the pretense of being a cook-cum-domestic goddess? Showing symbolic support for Muslim extremists and terrorists, specifically in Palestine. Though it depends on who you ask, of course. The story of Palestine is by no means one-sided, and it could just mean she's a slave to retarded, ill-conceived trends.

In other news, I guess China is done with earthquakes.

Rejected Diet Pepsi Max Commercials

• A multicultural group of kids (including wheelchair friend) are playing Nintendo 64 in a lackluster manner before mom brings in Diet Pepsi Max jolts them into a frenzy of sweet 64-bit gaming. "Macarena" plays in the background.
• Cult members are resignedly lacing up their Nike high-tops, shrugging their shoulders at the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet. Deciding to chug some sweet Diet Pepsi Max, they change their mind and excitedly jump on their bunk beds with poison and plastic bags in hand. "MMMBop" plays in the background.
• A questionably-coiffed First Lady is nervous about being questioned by the grand jury. To pep herself up, she downs a Diet Pepsi Max and stomps assuredly to the microphone. "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" plays in the background.
• A lonesome, grizzled man enters his shack and struggles with whether or not to turn on the television. Deciding to take a life-affirming sip of Diet Pepsi Max instead, he jumps up and gets to work on his letter bombs. "Spice Up Your Life" plays in the background.

Spotlight On: 'Idols' I Hate

I sometimes feel uncomfortable about criticising people in the public eye. Ali Lohan is just a kid, Britney Spears is clearly mentally ill, and though they, and the people who sign themselves up for the 'American Idol' freakshow are, in a sense, asking for it, they're still people. David Cook is just a guy. A normal guy who clearly is a total douchebag.

There must be something innately horrible in a 25-year-old man (with a soul patch!) who intentionally puts himself on 'American Idol.' And make no mistake, this guy is in it to win it. It's not a stoner joke gone bad (cough-JasonCastro-cough), it's a sincere attempt to become...what? Rich? Famous? Credible?

Hell if I know. The vulgar pop-rock he vomits in my face week after week is by no means going to make him credible, if that's what he's after. Rock + American Idol do not work, unless you are DAUGHTRY™ and this guy clearly is not. I'm not DAUGHTRY ™ fan, but at least he's not a smug asshole who used a vocoder on a Whitesnake version of a Beatles song.

Rich? I seriously doubt it. You can do alright for yourself as Idols: hit the summer tour, go on Tyra and maybe sell some albums to housewives and 11-year-olds, but it's never going to be the coke and titties Jager life you know David Cook wants it to be. He's already too old for this shit, and if he wants success I suggest something in the IT field. He can earn some money and not be in my face at the same time!

So it's got to be fame. He is who he is and he wants us to know every cocky, delusional, date-rapey facet of his fat-faced existence. So I have no problem making fun of him. I'd make fun of him if I knew him in real life, which I basically do. We all do. We've seen him hitting on drunk girls with the line that he's a rocker, we've seen him secretly check his wallet when a black guy walks by, and we've seen him driving down the street with the windows down and Our Lady Peace way up.

Do we really have to see him on TV?

Did You Know She Was in "Johnny English?"

As a general rule, I can pretty much live without Australia. It's really far away, and other than Cate Blanchett and Geoffry Rush (who might as well be British), it hasn't done much for me lately.

Until this past weekend. That's when I learned Daniel Johns, public anorexic and singer of former-teen rock band Silverchair is married to Natalie "Torn" Imbrulgia. And they have been for a few years! Why did no one tell me?

First of all: hilarious. I have no idea what their celebrity status is in the rest of the world, but as far as these harsh American eyes are concerned, I could not have paired this couple up better myself. What little relevance they had has been reduced to VH1 reminisces and bargain CD racks at gas stations. That they found love with one another means a lot to cynical ol' bitchy me.

You know what's even better about Mr. Daniel Johns? His makeover. He really did wage a much-ignored public battle with anorexia, and by the looks of his neck and facial hair he's well on his way to recovery. I think Silverchair is trying to make some sort of comeback.

Oh, Australia. If you keep throwing me these delicious bones eventually I'll have no choice but to admit you exist.

Why They Hate America

Are you a bad parent? Do you like to dress up your children and parade them around like dolls, but still can't get over that nagging feeling your baby looks too - human? Well, luckily for you, there is now a place to retouch those baby pageant photos that you so desperately, desperately need. Really, there's nothing more precious than a child who's had all the life Photoshopped out of their smooth, sad faces. I'm sure little Madison McKayla will never grow to resent you or your waste of her college fund.

(from Broadsheet)

I Weep For The Future

'Comedian' Jimmy Fallon of Taxi and Fever Pitch fame is on the top of NBC's list to replace Conan O'Brien when he moves to "The Tonight Show" in 2009.

I'm not worried about this news for my own sake - I started developing a healthy, inane sense of humor at about 13 years old, and I have to thank Conan, Letterman, and various Kids in the Halls and Mr. Shows for pushing me in the right direction. But oh, won't somebody please think of the children?

If Jimmy Fallon - a man famous for being cute and unable to make it through an unfunny three-minute sketch without cracking himself up - is the late-night host the next generation turns to for cues as to what is and is not hilarious, what is to become of us all? Did I mention, in addition to the unfunny, a man like Fallon lacks the charm, affability, and vital self-deprecation a talk show host needs? I'm pissed.

But I'm not pissed for myself - I'm thinking of my future children. Consider it, friends - Dane Cook is the next logical step.

Fuck Anime

I try not to begrudge the nerds their interests. I understand the basics of a computer and I like Harry Potter (and musicals). I don't have any problems with comic books and I find "Star Trek" fans to be quite good-natured. Live and live, really. But...

I don't understand anime. I don't understand the people who like anime. I don't understand why shitty hyper-sexualized Japanese cartoons about 12-year-old demons are so popular with American basement-dwellers. And I'm not talking about stoned 20somethings who accidental enjoy an episode of "Inuyasha" on Adult Swim, I mean the people who are into it.

When did this happen? Why did this happen? Were there cosplay fanatics before anime, just like there were homosexuals before the 1970s? Why are hardcore anime fans so sexually immature? Why are they so often white women? Why are they so goddamn insistent anime represents a proud Japanese tradition any more than the Smurfs represent Belgium?

I don't like the way they think they know Japan. I'm willing to bet most have been there the same number of times I have (ZERO) which means they don't understand it all, no matter how many messageboards they read. I'm willing to bet anime equals Japan as much as ESPN equals America - they're both popular, but it ain't the whole story.

Why are they so creepy? Where is all their disposable income coming from? Will they grow out of it? Are there anime fans over the age of 45? Why did they decide to make liking cartoons the most important aspect of their personality? Why do they turn anthropomorphic animals into fetish objects? That's fucked up.

I'm afraid this trend I don't want to understand is only going to get worse before it gets better. I noticed an abundance of anime-style Saturday morning cartoons this weekend - making sure the kids are indoctrinated to inane storylines, bad animation, and exaggerated breasts early, are you Fox? Hopefully they'll grow out of it. Pick up a guitar or a pen or take apart an alarm clock and learn something about the world - the real world, not the fantasy one their virginal brothers and sisters pretend they live in.

Yes yes - I'm stereotyping, and isn't it a shame? But sometimes stereotypes are grounded in the truth, and I'm genuinely curious why this bizarre, aesthetically repulsive took over the senses of millions of people who have the gall to call it 'art.'

Lost In Translation

There's a new Jane Austen biopic coming out soon, and naturally they've condensed the already-short life of one of England's wittiest writers into little more than a love story. Fairly dull lives lived by fairly ordinary people (in spite of their talents) never seem to translate well to film - so I decided to do some Jane Austen translating of my own.

Using the always-reliable Google translate, I popped in one of Austen's most famous lines, jumbled it into foreign gobbeldy-gook, and magically turned it back into English again. Let's see which language manages to stay truest to the original!

The Original: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

Lots of commas and full of sarcasm. Just the way I like it.

Arabic and Back: "It is universally acknowledged, and the fact that the heart of one man carries God must want of a wife."

True to form, Arabic manages to turn a sentence about gold diggers into something about men carrying God in their hearts. Get over yourselves!

French and Back: "It is a universally recognized truth, that a simple man in possession of a good fortune, must be inside want of a wife."

Single turns to simple and the next thing you know he's inside of her. Dirty, dirty French.

German and Back: "It is one confirmed truth, the one individual man in the possession of a luck, must inside its wishes of a woman."

Germans seem to be big on independence and luck. Weren't so lucky in the 20th century, were you Germany?

Japanese and Back: "That is recognized the wife being necessary, generally, the single person who owns that good fortune, there is a truth, it becomes, is."

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Russian and Back: "This is generally true that one person owns a fortune, must be in want of a wife."

And we have a winner! I was betting on French or German to remain the most true, but Russia pulls and upset and wins the prize! The prize being capitalism and screenings of a Jane Austen biopic no one could afford to see, even if they wanted to.

Dear MSNBC,

So I'm reading an article about these poor (though not hot, I checked) Turkish musicians brought to court for a song about raw youth and rebellion when I run across this paragraph:

Gathered in a cramped Istanbul recording studio, the Deli musicians don't look like stereotypical punks — no spiked hair, lip studs or drugs. They're in their early 20s, polite, mild-mannered and irreverent. And all passed the university exam. Vocalist Cengiz Sari is studying to become an art teacher. Base guitarist Enis Coban studied textile manufacturing.

I can ignore the musician stereotypes (only losers have lip studs, FYI) because the writer is probably a 45-year-old man who hates his gay son, but seriously, it's spelled bass guitar. Say what you will about the evils of state-run media, at least they fucking spell-check.

I Hope You CHOKE

Have you seen that Hardee's commercial with the Zach Braff voiceover? Or maybe it's Wendy's. All I know is it pisses me off and makes me want to vomit blood. I hate Zach (Zack?) Braff and his loud stupid voice telling me to eat burgers. Didn't he try to ruin The Shins for everyone? Fuck off, Zach Braff. You don't tell me what to do.

Put a Rainbow on It

The US Air Force actually totally really sincerely honestly looked into building a "gay bomb" to drop on our enemies (of which there are many). Even overlooking the ridiculous homophobia of the plan, I don't see how it could work. What if it leaks on the plane? Then our own boys will want to start making out and before you know it, gay will spread everywhere, and trust me, that does not come off with bleach. Between this and the Army Robot Bear, I don't know which branch of the military is wasting your money more. Good thing I don't pay taxes.

Teddy Rupskin 2.0

Did you know the army is developing a robot to carry wounded soldiers out of harm's way? It's true. Did you know said robot is also going to have a teddy bear head "designed to be reassuring?" Also true.

My suggestion? Rather than build robot bears to remove injured teenagers from battle, give the bears arms of guns and eyes of lasers. Stupid army.

Is This Like, a Plague?

Made of Trash typically ignores the political goings-on of the world at large because 1. it's not trashy enough and 2. you'll probably agree with my analysis and that's boring. BUT - last night I was watching teh newz and saw South Dakota has been suffering from a major drought that's killing livestock and allowing prairie dogs to overrun what little grazing land is left. To manage this problem, officials want to poison the cute little furry mammals so the cows can get back to eating grass.

Wait a second, isn't South Dakota the state that passed that crazy abortion ban a while back? Yes, yes it is. Isn't it primarily the view of religious conservatives that life begins at conception so abortion MUST BE murder? Yes, yes it is. So. Don't religious conservatives also believe all the wonders of the universe (including pregnancy) are created by God - except droughts, I guess. I mean, we all know God's too busy running awards shows to check the weather nowadays.

So if something (typically believed to be) caused by God is inconvenient to farmers, the solution is to kill it. Hypoctites!

Oh God

Please, for the love of all that is holy, can someone please organize a road trip to Petersburg, Kentucky so I can check out the Creation Museum? The website says it's open seven days a week, so I suggest we head up on a Sunday to chide the employees for not resting (as God did).

Really though, it's all about science. They even have helpful comparisons to differentiate between the Biblical and secular accounts of evolution.

Clickity-click for a larger image: the gist of it is human reason actually makes a lot more sense, though I doubt that's the point they were trying to make.

Not content to make it all about the apes and dinosaurs, there's a helpful summary at the end providing examples of why human reason is so darn crazy (as well as the obligatory abortion potshot).


Wait a second, are you telling me death is not a natural step in the circle of life? I guess The Lion King was wrong about a lot of things, in the end.

Anyway, you get the point. Science bad, Kentucky good. I've got the liquor if you've got the car.

You Caught Me!

Okay, look: if asked, I would say yes, I consider myself a feminist and agree with oh so many of the the third wave points and principles that are included in that admission. Especially important issues are reproductive rights (naturally) and the concept of gender being something not one is born with, but rather has imposed upon them because of the sex roles your culture has defined for you before you're even born. This applies of course to men as well as women, and clearly is something people struggle with (and will continue to struggle with) until there is a real, sincere effort from Western society as a whole to talk about why things are they way they are.

That said, children all look alike to me and I totally thought Celine Dion's son was a girl. It was wrong of me to make that assumption, but 1. I grew up in a culture where long hair = feminine and 2. those flowing golden locks will trick you every time. Fucking Canadians.

They Will Never Love You

The other day I accidentally found my television transmitting the show "Still Standing" which is about a fat schlub married to a hot wife, as far as I can tell. It's one of my greatest TV peeves - the bland sitcom about an impossible marriage.

Don't mistake me, lovely women fall in love with average-looking guys all the time. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they have money, and sometimes good old-fashioned romance saves the day. But these TV husbands are not funny, wealthy, or romantic: they are the poorly-veiled sitcom writers themselves. The men (and almost all of them are) who never got the girl who are now trying to live vicariously through their shittily-produced craft. Even the sitcoms that star or are written by women perpetuate this bizarre double-standard. The women are usually single and sassy, and trying to deal with the world of dating/divorce as best they can. Even if they are wives, who are they married to? John Goodman. Bill Cosby if you're lucky.

You know who I blame it on? "The Honeymooners." Once again, the 1950s have ruined everything for everyone, everywhere. Or at least ruined it for me.

I Don't Know About You Guys...

But I have a killer Loyalty Day hangover!

America was founded by patriots who risked their lives to bring freedom to our Nation. Today, our citizens are grateful for our Founding Fathers and confident in the principles that lead us forward. On Loyalty Day, we celebrate the blessings of freedom and remember our responsibility to continue our legacy of liberty.

Our Nation has never been united simply by blood, birth, or soil, but instead has always been united by the ideals that move us beyond our background and teach us what it means to be Americans. We believe deeply in freedom and self-government, values embodied in our cherished documents and defended by our troops over the course of generations. Our citizens hold the truths of our founding close to their hearts and demonstrate their loyalty in countless ways. We are inspired by the patriotic service of the men and women who wear our Nation's uniform with honor and decency. The military spouses and families who stand by their loved ones represent the best of the American spirit, and we are profoundly grateful for their sacrifice. Our country is strengthened by the millions of volunteers who show deep compassion toward their neighbors in need. All citizens can express their loyalty to the United States by flying the flag, participating in our democracy, and learning more about our country's grand story of courage and simple dream of dignity.

The Congress, by Public Law 85-529, as amended, has designated May 1 of each year as "Loyalty Day." This Loyalty Day, and throughout the year, I ask all Americans to join me in reaffirming our allegiance to our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2007, as Loyalty Day. I call upon the people of the United States to participate in this national observance and to display the flag of the United States on Loyalty Day as a symbol of pride in our Nation.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day of April, in the year of our Lord two thousand seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first.

GEORGE W. BUSH


Next year: ease up on the loyalty!