Just to Clarify...

Oliver Stone's W. is supposed to be a comedy, isn't it? I mean, "What a Wonderful World." Come on. That's funny, right?

Ground Floor

So I'm watching TV and I see a commercial for a new Apatow-related comedy with Mila Kunis, some white guy protagonist who looks vaguely familiar and...Russell Brand?

Yeah, that was jarring. I became intimately familiar with Brand during my 6 months in the UK - I think it's a legal requirement. He's a comedian/actor/television presenter/author/football fan/former junkie/sex addict/sex symbol.

That kind of stuff flys over there.

Naturally, I'm excited about his appearance in America - he's wacky and endearing and British and I support these traits both in principle and practice.

I, for one, suggest we welcome him with open arms and turn this scamp into a 21st-century Hugh Grant. You should probably get on the front line of the zeitgeist now and read his autobiography, My Booky Wook.

I know, right?! How endearingly wacky! Cleaned-up crackheads are the best. But hey, don't take my word for it..."I've heard he's great," says actor Tom Arnold. "I'm anxious to see what he can do."

Lost In Translation

There's a new Jane Austen biopic coming out soon, and naturally they've condensed the already-short life of one of England's wittiest writers into little more than a love story. Fairly dull lives lived by fairly ordinary people (in spite of their talents) never seem to translate well to film - so I decided to do some Jane Austen translating of my own.

Using the always-reliable Google translate, I popped in one of Austen's most famous lines, jumbled it into foreign gobbeldy-gook, and magically turned it back into English again. Let's see which language manages to stay truest to the original!

The Original: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

Lots of commas and full of sarcasm. Just the way I like it.

Arabic and Back: "It is universally acknowledged, and the fact that the heart of one man carries God must want of a wife."

True to form, Arabic manages to turn a sentence about gold diggers into something about men carrying God in their hearts. Get over yourselves!

French and Back: "It is a universally recognized truth, that a simple man in possession of a good fortune, must be inside want of a wife."

Single turns to simple and the next thing you know he's inside of her. Dirty, dirty French.

German and Back: "It is one confirmed truth, the one individual man in the possession of a luck, must inside its wishes of a woman."

Germans seem to be big on independence and luck. Weren't so lucky in the 20th century, were you Germany?

Japanese and Back: "That is recognized the wife being necessary, generally, the single person who owns that good fortune, there is a truth, it becomes, is."

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Russian and Back: "This is generally true that one person owns a fortune, must be in want of a wife."

And we have a winner! I was betting on French or German to remain the most true, but Russia pulls and upset and wins the prize! The prize being capitalism and screenings of a Jane Austen biopic no one could afford to see, even if they wanted to.

"Order of the Phoenix"

It would be presumptuous of me to say Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the greatest movie ever made, simply because I haven't seen every movie ever made. It is, however, the greatest movie of all movies I've ever seen.

Why? I'll tell you why. Danger. Excitement. Romance. Rebellion. Daring escapes. Broken hearts. Inconceivable bravery. Inconsolable grief. Raw Youth. And all with magic.

Really, if nothing else, you need to see the Harry Potter films so you can hone your game-playing skills. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon has nothing on the cast in these movies - you've got Hans Gruber, Mother Superior (+ tons of Shakespeare), Margaret Schlegel/Nanny McPhee, the evil (but hot) Colonel William Tavington, Helen Schlegel/Marla Singer, fucking Amon Göth, AND Dracula/Sid Vicious/Beethoven - without even counting the kids!

If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

I saw Knocked Up last weekend. While I laughed a lot and thought it was pretty good overall, the real magic of the movie hit me a few hours later.

Remember the guy who can't cut his hair?

That's fucking Bill Haverchuck.

The actor's name is Martin Starr, and he's kind of pretty hot now. Like, Krumholtz hot. I'm sure there's a lesson in here somewhere. It probably has something to do with beards.

Order of the Phoenix Trailer

So, how much should I say? I don't want you to get the impression that I'm freakishly excited to see the next Harry Potter film, but on the other hand, I don't want to come off like one of those poseur assholes who's too above a good story about, um, magical fantasy worlds. Oh well...OMG HARRAY POTTAR!!1! lolz. He is turning into teh hottness. I heart Snape!

If You Don't Agree, You Are Racist

I'm not sure if you're aware, but Indians are AWESOME. If you've been paying any kind of attention lately, they are kicking ass everywhere they go, as long as "everywhere" is film or television. To Americans, they're somewhere between "black," "Middle Eastern," and "Mexican," so not only are they the go-to tokens of the moment...they're also superhot! I've complied a helpful cheat sheet for you to study so you can throw down subcontinent knowledge on unsuspecting Native Americans.

Name: Naveen Andrews
Real Name: Naveen Andrews
Claim to Fame: Sayid on "Lost," who is currently the only character with any critical thinking skills.
Nationality: British: adds extra hotness!
Hotness Level: 10/10. He's kind of the most important thing in my life right now.

Name: Mindy Kaling
Real Name: Vera Chokalingam
Claim to Fame: Kelly on "The Office," and co-author of the play "Matt & Ben." She played Ben Affleck. She is awesome.
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 7/10 - She's cute, but not truly hot.

Name: Kal Penn
Real Name: Kalpen Suresh Modi
Claim to Fame: Co-star of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle and The Namesake. Look, he can do comedy AND drama! Versatile!
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 7/10. He's pretty hot, but too fond of starring in Van Wilder movies to make him really and truly hot.

Name: Sanjaya Malakar
Real Name: Sanjaya Malakar
Claim to Fame: Preciously bad "American Idol" contestant, foil of Simon Cowell
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 4/10. There's hotness potential in like 8 years when he's fully out of the closet, but since I'm not 13...meh.

Name: Sendhil Ramamurthy
Real Name: Um, Sendhil Ramamurthy. Obviously.
Claim to Fame: Mohinder on "Heroes," a show I don't actually watch but have been told I should. I don't have the time, though, and like, I've already made commitments to other dramas and it's too late to even get started now, PLUS, I don't think I like that Hayden girl. I know, I know, it's "better than 'Lost,'" but whatever, I think you're a quitter. Eliot.
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 8/10. Pretty hot. But maybe he's a shitty actor. I'll never know.

Rose McGowan Wrecks Home, Face

Seriously. I could care less about pathetic married men sleeping with women they work with, but really, her face is freaking me out. I can't tell if it's terrible surgery, makeup, or both.

28 Weeks Later

I get scared at pretty much any movie that doesn't have singing, fancy ladies in carriages, or some kind of marijuna-related hijinks, so I was pretty surprised with myself when I discovered how much I liked 28 Days Later. Cillian Murphy MAY have had something to do with that. Anyway, hopefully the sequel, 28 Weeks Later, will be as good. Even if there are no hot guys.

5000 White People + 1 Asian Guy =

Apparantly a documentary about air guitars. It looks OUTSTANDING. Did anyone see this at SXSW?

Being All Existential is Like, Hard

It's like poor Jason Schwartzman wants mommy Lily Tomlin and daddy David O. Russell to JUST STOP FIGHTING! There's all kinds of awesome swears, so this is NSFW, etc.

Womyn's Herstory Munth!

So, March is Women's History Month, and one television channel I receive is awesomely showing a number of women-related films to brighten up my ovaries this month. The movies?

Elizabeth, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, and Girl, Interrupted.

So, we've got a movie about one of the world's most powerful monarchs, two about women equating mental illness with friendship, and another about a chick who's super old (33!) and fat and really really wants to get married.

Seriously, it's hilarous. Elizabeth would seem more out of place except for the fact she had serious Daddy issues, you know?

For Black History month, they played "Ray" over and over again. Every black man is a junkie musican. True story.

Trashley's Valentines! Awards Season!

My only abstract concept Valentine (unless you count John Waters), Awards Season is the early part of every year when statues get polished, out-of-touch voters get righteous, actresses get bulimic, and E! gets hard.

Does anyone still pretend innovation and talent is rewarded? The Grammys were on a few days ago, and the only parts of it I remember were Red Hot Chili Peppers winning Best Rock Album (I guess) and the Dixie Chicks winning a ton of shit because of a sentence the lead singer said in London like, three years ago.

It's really not a big deal to me that the television, movies, and music I love aren't given any kind of recognition for the genuinely good work they produce - would I make Awards Season a Valentine if it was? No, the great thing about these shows is you can always count on celebrities to display the best of their worst. You want self-important political statements? Gorgeous gowns and jewels the rich don't have to pay for? Poorly-scripted bumper dialogue read in a stilted, self-conscious manner? Drunken veterans who don't care? Memorial montages? Oh man, Awards Season presents these treasures with pleasure.

Take in the pre-show. Drink during the ceremony. Bemoan your local affiliate's attempt at coverage. Read the blogs the next day. Buy the magazines the next week. Take in your fill, because it's all you're going to have for the rest of the year.

Trashley's Valentines! John Waters!

And speaking of camp...I mean, how could you think I wouldn't be influenced by John Waters? My favorite movie when I was 11 was Serial Mom, and his is certianly the kind of trash I've learned to appreciate more as I've grown older. He is who he is and he does what he does. He can make Ricki Lake and Baltimore seem kind of cool. He can make Johnny Depp star with Traci Lords & Ricki Lake. He could probably make me do anything he wanted (eat dog poo?) if he asked really nicely.

John Waters encourages you to smoke. And that's just brilliant.

Trashley's Valentines! Jennifer Tilly!

Jennifer Tilly doesn't receive nearly the amount of respect she deserves. In addition to being a total bombshell born in the 1950s, she's the only Academy Award nominee I can think of who can out-trash Gina Gershon - and that bitch was in Showgirls.

Trash is not a pejorative, of course. Trash means embracing the camp and taking no prisoners. Trash is Bound. Trash is Bride of Chucky. Trash is making cheesy adult films and simultaneously having a successful career doing voiceovers for children's movies. Trash is deciding you're rich enough and really enjoy poker, so, fuck it, you're going to lay off acting and play semi-professionally.

Jennifer will always have my love and be my Valentine, because I respect who she is, what she does, and her beautiful, beautiful breasts.

I Wonder...

Has there been a film starring a black comedian relased in the past few years that doesn't feature a fatsuit, whiteface, or CGI midgets?

First person to name one gets a very special prize!*

Greatest Thing Ever!

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were Victoria Beckham. Self-hatred/adoration, a desperate desire for fame, a pinch of talent and a fistful of crazy make up this woman's psyche, and I think it would be great to live like that for a day.

But then, oh, then I read about the possibility of her starring in a Scientology film produced by Tom Cruise. Who wouldn't want to spend six months of their life attempting to method-act their way through a role as a thetan alien bride?

I swear, if this ends up as Spice World meets Battlefield Earth, the world may be sucked in a black hole of camp. And I would be cool with that.

Uglyfaced Muppet Royal Talks Shit

Do you read Popbitch? If not, you should. Anyway, today I had this item in my inbox:

Prince Charles is a huge fan of Borat. William and Harry set up a private screening of the movie for him and he loved it, saying he "couldn’t believe the Americans even understood why it was funny”.

Fuck, Chuck, you been spending time with Gwyneth Paltrow? Americans think there are a lot of funny things to come out of Britain. There's your wife, for instance. Her face is pretty hilarious. What else, what else...oh! The fact that your mother will never die and you won't be king until you're 70 is also really really funny. And that's not even mentioning the fact you won't have any actual power! There was also that whole ex-wife thing when everyone loved her instead of you...I could go on and on.

I'm leaving for London tomorrow, Chuck. How's about you and I do a comedy rumble? Trafalgar Square. Noon. Christmas Day. I will own you.

Peed Your Pants Yet?

The nominees for the 64th annual Golden Globes were announced this morning! It's all the films, actors, and television shows you'd expect to be nominated, with the added benefit of Beyonce's nomination for Best Actress! Oh, Hollywood Foreign Press, what don't you know?

Ten Greatest Teen Movies, Part Two

I've been thinking about this list for the past couple of days, and there are some additions and revisions I'd like to make. I feel like I should also give a brief explanation for my selections, if for no other reason than to prove I'm by no means tragically misguided.

Criteria: Must not necessarily star teenagers, but be about teenagers. Must be created for a teenage market (while Rushmore is wonderful, it is not a "teen movie" since everyone can enjoy it). Must not fall into any other film category (horror, "romance," etc).


10. Say Anything
Every girl will always love Lloyd Dobler until she dies, even if that means loving John Cusack by association. Possibly one of the most good-natured teen movies ever, it stands the test of time better than a lot of other '80s movies, even though Lloyd is really stoked about that kickboxing.

9. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey
Two for the price of one. It's impossible not to like this shit, dated and strange as it is. There was a time when movies like this not only got made, they were also kind of popular. San Dimas High School football rules!

8. 10 Things I Hate About You
This movie came out around the time 15 other teen movies did, and is the only late '90s film to make the cut. Why? Well, having Shakespeare do most of the writing helps, but Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles are also terribly charming. This movie kicks She's All That square in the balls.

7. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
What kind of kid skips school and goes to an art museum? Ferris Bueller, that's the kind. I always wanted a day like this during my high school career, but it never happened. It may be one of my life's great regrets to never take over a parade.

6. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
I can only assume I started watching this movie when it would play on HBO every afternoon at some point in the mid-'90s. Understanding time and place are very important to loving this movie, because Southern California in 1991 was an ugly, ugly place. Keep in mind Christina Applegate was just hitting her poor exploited peak on "Married with Children" at this time, and you can tell she felt like she had something to prove her. And prove it she did. She was awesome.

5. Bring it On
I have watched Bring it On more than I care to admit. There have been times when I'm not sure what I like about this movie - you're supposed to hate cheerleaders in high school! And maybe that's the point...they're as ditzy and shallow as you expect them to be, but they're also really nice, funny, and have problems just like everyone else. Cheerleading problems.

4. Pretty in Pink
Best John Hughes film, bar none. I love pretty much everything about it, but I especially love James Spader. Though many believe Andie's biggest mistake was not choosing Duckie at the end, I think she's a fool for not having a one-night stand with Steff. I know I would have.

3. Back to the Future
I was on the fence about including it in this list, because I had been thinking of it as a science-fiction film. It was wrong of me to do so. Even though there is time travel involved, it all about high school and dances, first loves and nerves. It's the reason everyone, everywhere, will love Michael J. Fox forever. It's also one of the most perfect-all around films ever made, and does not rate higher mostly because of the "Wild West" sequel and the cartoon.

2. Mean Girls
Probably the best teen film to be released in the past five years. If you've been avoiding it out of hate for Lindsay Lohan, don't. This was a good year or two before she went crazy, and besides, it's more of a Tina Fey film than Lindsay Lohan. Rachel McAdams pretty much steals it, though, as Mean Girl Regina George. It's pretty fucking awesome.

1. Clueless
The first time I saw this movie was when I was in sixth grade. I thought it was really cool and really funny, and now that I'm all grown up I realise it's even moreso because it's based on a Jane Austen novel. Bring it On kind of borrowed the "just because she's vapid doesn't mean she's cruel" premise, but it's impossible to recreate the same kind of dumb wonder that Cher provides. It does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty, people. Bonus: Paul Rudd. I love you.

Honorable Mentions: Napoleon Dynamite, Hairspray, Heathers, Now and Then, The Outsiders, Quadrophenia, To Sir, With Love, Save the Last Dance, The Breakfast Club, Empire Records