Games to Help You Ignore Your Family!

Gotta go home for Christmas? Don't want to talk to your family? See if any of these online games give your apathy muscle a workout. 

Third World Farmer

Am I missing the point if I think this game is awesome? The premise is to keep your adorable little African family alive during droughts, civil wars, epidemics and etc. It's all about strategy - it's pretty fun to guess which disaster they're going to throw at you next, and you can always sell a family member to put a little extra money in the bank. Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, but maybe the developer should have thought twice before condensing the lives of the poorest of the poor into a literal fucking game. Either way, I managed to break $100,000! 

Amateur Surgeon

Most of the Adult Swim games are pretty fun, but Amateur Surgeon is my favorite. You save cartoon lives by tearing bitches up with pizza cutters and whatnot, and the quickly dwindling timer and blood pressure monitor keep the suspense strong and your hand steady. Bonus: if your gramma looks over your shoulder and catches a glimpse of the funny blood and guts, she's likely to grossed out and not want to talk to you for a few hours. 

Orisinal

The games you play when you're ready to tell your mom that you're gay. 

Let me know what games you'll be playing - everyone out there needs all the help they can get.

My Spam

Dear Belove one Based on your profile, l am happy to request for your assistance because I beleive that you are not going to betrayed the trust which I am going to lay on you Dear Beloved i pray all is well with you and Other members of your family. My name is Lily 20 years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs Jones, My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on 12th.November 2005.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time, but God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my Father on November 12th 2005 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told her that he has the sum of(USD$17.5 000 000) Seventeen Milion five hundred thousand dollars left in a metalic trunk trunk box, wich he deposited in a Security Company here in abidjan, that he registered it as family valuable items for security reasons, he told the secretarythat I should contact the Company for them to know me as his next of kin wich I have did as he instructed, He also told the secretary that I should not let any of his relations to know about this because he was kiled by them and if they know about it, that they will do nothing but to kill me in other to take hold of every thing, He told her that I should seek for a foriegn partner abroad who will help me retreived the trunk box and also travel with him or her in other to continue my Live and Education and also to start a Bussines relationship with the person whom can take cear of me in the fucture, My dear, this is why I have come incontact with you in order to help me retreive that trunk box from the Security Companys custody and send it direct to your country and also to make an arrangement for me on how I will come over to your country in other to continue my Live and Education and also to go into bussines relationship with you hence I am still a child and I dont know any thing about bussines, I am just 20 years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do. this is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrowto my life, My dear, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards and your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded.
Now permit me to ask these few questions: 1. Can I completely trust you? 2.Can you accept me as your own blood Sister (Or Doughter)? 3.What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you? Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible with your full assurance that you will not disapoint me in this issue so that i can give you the contact of the Security Company where my late Father deposited that trunk box for you to contactthem on how the trunk box will be retreived from their custody and deliver to your country, Thank you soo much for your understanding and may almighty God bless you and your Family to the Glory of God Almighty, My sincere regards, Miss Lily.

Made of Trash: Officially Relevant

I feel as if I've hit some sort of blogger milestone - near-relevance. How do I know? I opened up my inbox to find not one, but two e-mails from friends suggesting topics for skewering.

You guys. You're going to make me cry.

Funnily enough, the two sites/stories they send me kind of work together! I was directed to Elton John's call to 'close' the internet, which: hilarious. Hilarious especially because "He described himself as a luddite when it comes to technology and said he didn't own a mobile phone or an iPod." That's like asking a vegetarian what cut of meat is best or asking a religious male politician what I should do with my fetus! (Oh, wait.)

Elton blah blahs about music and blah blahs about how kids are indoors all the time, but he misses what the internet is really all about: pornography. Which is where my next site comes in - well, it's not porn. But they do talk at great length about loving little girls. Here's what the site looks like (screencap so you won't get arrested):

Cute, right? Well, it's all sugar and shitty design before you actually start to read the thing and figure out it's about adult love and appreciation for little girls. They liken themselves to Lewis Carroll and Alice, but it struck me more as early Humbert and Lo: he said he would never hurt a girl until he ends up raping one.

The friend who sent me that site is a journalist so I'm not going to ask any questions - but still, Elton: if the internet is shut down, these crazy girllovers are just going to roam the streets, swooping down on any children stupid enough not to be inside with their computers and video games! Think ahead, man!

Don't Be Stupid

Like Danica McKellar, I am both really pretty and totally smart. I'm not as smart as Danica (I don't have a theorem named after me), but I like history and literature and politics and other cool stuff like that. Danica (Winnie Cooper to most) is a math whiz, and she wrote this book to inform young girls that brains and beauty are not mutually exclusive, and I think that is a very awesome thing. You should buy it for a girl you know.

Hey Nashville!

You've read about it in the papers, you've heard the kids gossiping in the streets...now it's time to see (and hear and feel) exactly what it's all about!

The first Summer of Dreamz dance party will take place Friday, August 3rd. At the 5 Spot. In the East Side. I will play sexy music alongside DJ Bawston Sean and Linwood Turncoat, so make sure you come over and shake shake it with the prettiest dreamerz Nashville has to offer.

Bring some cash, bring some smilez, and don't forget - bring your dreamz. They will come true.

Rihanna - "Umbrella"

Greatest pop song of the summer, of the year, or the past five years?

Discuss.

Summer of Dreamz - The Genesis

You know what you want to do? You want to head over to the Nashville Scene and read Tracy Moore's excellent article about Summer of Dreamz. Don't fool yourself into think it's a Nashville-only thing, of course. Summer of Dreamz can live anywhere, anytime.

That’s how grassroots movements start, I guess. Take a simple platitude, toss in a universally accepted theme, and you’ve got a bona fide cultural revolution on your hands. Summer of Dreamz has now been blogged, referenced, co-opted and internalized like a hot new catchphrase. It seems people are dreaming unafraid, no longer paralyzed by the fog of fear that prevents us from really grabbing life by the balls.

See? Do it. Read the article. Live your Dreamz.

God's a Smoker

When I say I love England, I mean it. It's not my fault if they consistently prove themselves to be better than Americans in oh so many ways - and now I have to add clergy to their list of awesome. While American ministers and priests are busy building creation museums or molesting children, English vicars are apparently punk rock.

A vicar who lit his pipe in a Kent police station as a protest against the smoking ban has failed in his attempt to get himself arrested.

The Reverend Anthony Carr, of East Peckham, walked into the station in Tonbridge, asked to report a crime and then started smoking.

He said he flouted the ban to protest against the erosion of civil liberties.

I'm kind of sad he didn't get arrested. I mean, sure, he's not blowing up an abortion clinic like an American clergyman would, but surely this protest against the erosion of the civil liberties of badass smokers is worth a few hours in a cell!

When officers told him he would not be "bundled into" the back of a van he said "what a pity".

"What a pity," is what he said. How awesome is that? Though your protest didn't achieve your desired effect, you're still a hero in my eyes, Reverend Anthony Carr. I'll bring over a carton of Marlboros just for you, cowboy.

I Think I Love You

You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of celebrity crushes they have. It's clear that I'm an Anglophile who prefers kind of weird-looking men in their 30s and 40s. From time to time, though, I creep myself out and develop a crush that seems wrong in both genesis and intensity. My current New Love is Michael Cera, best known as George Michael Bluth on "Arrested Development." A young teenager when the show was on, Michael has grown into...a guy who turned 20 last month. He is cute. He is funny. He makes good TV shows and probably good movies and definitely good comedy on his website, Clark and Michael. I'm not saying he's going to want to marry me. I'm just saying it seems like we would have a lot in common (omg I like British Sea Power too!) and probably be really good friends. I could buy him beer and we could go to rock shows and make jokes and give one another awkward kisses goodnight, just like good (attractive) friends do.

Help a Bitch Out!

Friends,

You see that flashing thing over there on the right? It's my first ever ad, and it's for Hanson. Actually, it's an ad for Hanson plus an awesome contest where the person who directs the most traffic to their site will have a song written about them - BY HANSON.

I don't know if you can fully grasp how much that would mean to me. I loved Hanson. Loved them truly, with all of my little heart. (I was a Taylor girl, of course.) To participate in this contest feels a bit silly, but in the depths of my pop-culture obsessed brain, it's all making perfect sense. The idea that there is a glimmer of a chance Hanson (the actual real-life Hanson) could write a likely unreleased, by-the-numbers pop rock song about me (based on a survey I fill out, I think) would mean more to me than probably anything, ever.

Seriously. So please, click the link. Tell your friends to click the link. Teach your grandma how to use the internet and ask her to click the link. It's going to be there starting now until mid-September, so you might as well get it out of the way.

Yours,

Trashley

SUMMER OF DREAMZ 2007

I. THE SEASON

1. From June through August, the Northern Hemisphere is closer to the sun than any other time of year.

2. The energy from the sun warms the waters and causes nature to explode.

3. The colour and life given to the Earth by the sun awakens the dormant creativity of the human race.

4. This creativity is displayed through song, dance, love, laughter, and dreamz.

5. The creative dreamz of summer are as fleeting as the season itself.

II. THE PEOPLE

1. To embrace every moment, the people will make their dreamz reality.

2. The more dreamz made true, the richer summer shall be.

3. Ill consequences and hurt are of little concern to the dreamerz.

4. One person's dreamz can benefit the dreamz of all.

5. It is the right of the dreamerz to embrace all things summer has to offer.

III. THE DREAMZ

1. Any and all dreamz can be achieved during summer.

2. Simple dreamz and pleasures are as valid and valued as the grand.

3. Dreaming a dream is the first step to completion.

4. Awareness of the Summer of Dreamz is just as crucial.

5. All dreamz created during Summer 2007 have the right to be alive.

BREAKING!

Paris Hilton jail, blah blah blah.

I don't care. I need a new banner.

In fact - I think I should have a banner contest!

Send in your killer designs to the e-mail address listed in my profile, and the winner will not only receive full credit published on the internet, he/she will also get a very special secret prize!

Requirements: Banner must be trashy and feature the name of the blog in some manner; must be the same size of current banner; must send me instructions on how to change it ('cause if I knew how to do this shit I'd do it myself); must be awesome.

The contest is open from RIGHT NOW to whenever, so hop to it cats and kittens!

Smells Like Federline!

Sometimes the stars align in mysterious ways. Sometimes the gods look down from on high and smile. Sometimes there are moments in life when everything feels right and all is working according to nature's plan. Now is one of those times. Why?

Kevin Federline has been promoting Axe Body Spray.

Yes, America's favorite ex-husband has taken to shilling the cologne of choice for rapists and date-rapists alike. Guess what? He said he's a fan of the product.

Of course he is.

Oh, Dear

I must say, this may be the best lead sentence I've ever stumbled upon:

Hugh Grant has been arrested and questioned by police after a photographer accused the actor of attacking him with a tub of baked beans.

Come on now, Mr Paparazzi, a "tub" of baked beans? You and I both know very well it was only a can. Hugh had to skip breakfast because of you!

I'm 100% on Team Hugh here, by the way. I know he's smarmy, but Love, Actually may be my guiltiest pleasure ever. Also? He's still hot.

I Knew It!

Anderson Cooper: Nevernude.

Kelsey Grammar IS TOO More Famousr Than Mos Def!

The game I've been waiting to play my entire life, Famousr, has found me. I double dare you to beat my streak of eight.

Damn you, Mos Def. Damn you to hell.

If You Don't Agree, You Are Racist

I'm not sure if you're aware, but Indians are AWESOME. If you've been paying any kind of attention lately, they are kicking ass everywhere they go, as long as "everywhere" is film or television. To Americans, they're somewhere between "black," "Middle Eastern," and "Mexican," so not only are they the go-to tokens of the moment...they're also superhot! I've complied a helpful cheat sheet for you to study so you can throw down subcontinent knowledge on unsuspecting Native Americans.

Name: Naveen Andrews
Real Name: Naveen Andrews
Claim to Fame: Sayid on "Lost," who is currently the only character with any critical thinking skills.
Nationality: British: adds extra hotness!
Hotness Level: 10/10. He's kind of the most important thing in my life right now.

Name: Mindy Kaling
Real Name: Vera Chokalingam
Claim to Fame: Kelly on "The Office," and co-author of the play "Matt & Ben." She played Ben Affleck. She is awesome.
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 7/10 - She's cute, but not truly hot.

Name: Kal Penn
Real Name: Kalpen Suresh Modi
Claim to Fame: Co-star of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle and The Namesake. Look, he can do comedy AND drama! Versatile!
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 7/10. He's pretty hot, but too fond of starring in Van Wilder movies to make him really and truly hot.

Name: Sanjaya Malakar
Real Name: Sanjaya Malakar
Claim to Fame: Preciously bad "American Idol" contestant, foil of Simon Cowell
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 4/10. There's hotness potential in like 8 years when he's fully out of the closet, but since I'm not 13...meh.

Name: Sendhil Ramamurthy
Real Name: Um, Sendhil Ramamurthy. Obviously.
Claim to Fame: Mohinder on "Heroes," a show I don't actually watch but have been told I should. I don't have the time, though, and like, I've already made commitments to other dramas and it's too late to even get started now, PLUS, I don't think I like that Hayden girl. I know, I know, it's "better than 'Lost,'" but whatever, I think you're a quitter. Eliot.
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 8/10. Pretty hot. But maybe he's a shitty actor. I'll never know.

Perfection is Preparing to Descend

The Best People in the World, Jordan and Peter, have sold their reality show in America. You heard right, friends: Britain's favorite Trashbags will be airing their lives and loves on the E! network at the end of this month.

If you're not aware of the joy and wonder that is Jordan and Peter: she's a cheesecake model with really large breasts, and he's a former pop singer, I think. I don't actually know. They're sort of famous for being famous, but in a great trashy Federline way. I'm also pretty sure they have a handicapped baby. Anyway, they walk all over Posh and Becks any day of the week in my book, and in honor of the THOUSANDS of dollars that will go from us to them to Burberry, I present to you (again) "A Whole New World."



I'm so happy! And excited! Today is like Christmas for me, all these trashy Brits are kicking my ass.

The Truest Love I Have Ever Seen

My favorite part is when Kate leaves the room and walks back in a few seconds later...Pete turns around and says "Hey!" like he's surprised she stopped in to visit and he hasn't seen her in days.

Heroin is SO COOL. Even cooler than cocaine cut with your dad!

Keith Richards Snorted Father

He could be lying, of course. I mean, maybe he's thinking "Let's see what else people will believe about the drug-fueled haze that is my life!" Why wouldn't we think it's true? On the other hand, maybe he did ingest his dad. While gross and wrong, I guess it's kind of cool? I mean, it's cool that his mind even goes there anytime he's presented with something snortable.

Heh. Coconut tree.