Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Charlton Heston dead, cold.

Laterz, Tammy Faye

Few things in the world fill me with more rage than evangelical Christians, but I've never had a problem with Tammy Faye. She always seemed to be more "I heart Jesus!" than "I hate science and feminists!" and I can't really fault her for that. Plus, she loved the gays, just like I do. She loved them so much, in fact, one of her final wishes was to have a gay minister conduct her private funeral service. I'm too young to remember any of the PTL scandals, and unless I'm mistaken, wasn't most of that her husband's fault? Anyway, the best things about Tammy Faye were her open-armed embrace of camp and the way she understood her place in pop culture. I'm going to forget I ever saw her frail, gaunt body with less than 48 hours left in it on Larry King. I'm going to remember her for what she'd want me to - her eyelashes.

RIP, CNR

I've given myself too long a sabbatical, and it's not fair that I had to be shocked - shocked into returning by a death.

Yes, I speak of the death of Charles Nelson Reilly, Broadway baby and '70s game show staple.

I can't tell you how many times I've drunkenly played along with "Match Game," trying to keep up with the panelists drink for drink. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about his glasses - the way the reflected the studio lights almost made it feel as if you were looking into the eyes of God. I've thought about his cardigans. His voice. His openly closeted sexuality.

You will live forever in the reruns in my heart, blessed queen.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Boris Yeltsin totally dead.

I am an American under 25 and have little to no clue what he actually did when he ruled Russia. Other than drink lots of vodka.

Go Boris!

28 Weeks Later

I get scared at pretty much any movie that doesn't have singing, fancy ladies in carriages, or some kind of marijuna-related hijinks, so I was pretty surprised with myself when I discovered how much I liked 28 Days Later. Cillian Murphy MAY have had something to do with that. Anyway, hopefully the sequel, 28 Weeks Later, will be as good. Even if there are no hot guys.

good things in the world of talk shows, musicals, death and divorce

She's So Outrageous!

Who had Anna Nicole Smith in their 2007 Death Pool? If you did, you just earned some cash.

Underwhelmed!

Holy shit, dude, did you hear the Halen is back together!? Not Van Hagar, the real Van Halen! I'm going to scrub the mildew off my best beer cozy, cook up some meth, and celebrate with a good, hard listen to 1984, which just happened to be the last good year of my life. Jesus, I hope they come to an arena near me!

If only Axl would get his shit together, I could finally plug that 3-D cougar wall light back in and invite some hot high school chicks over to celebrate for real.

Breaking: Princess Diana Still Dead

The Princes William and Harry are throwing a great big concert in honour of their mum, which I suppose is nice, but I'm a tad bit confused over the lineup:

Pharrell Williams
Joss Stone
Elton John
Duran Duran
Bryan Ferry

Okay, the Elton John thing makes sense because of "Candle in the Wind," but Pharrell and Joss Stone? I think the boys just want to meet their favorite celebrities. And what about the last two, Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry? Is that what Diana used to listen to? Jesus, I hope so. Anyway, the tickets are all sold out, so you can't go unless you get the NSA to tap the Princes' phones and find out where the afterparty will be held.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Russian spy poisoned DEAD!

Things I Missed

Two weeks is a long, long time to be gone from the World of Trash. Here's some already-old news I missed hilariously commenting on:

• The end of Reese and Ryan (Philaspoon?)
• Kramer is a racist and possibly a Freemason
• Britney and Paris are friends again
• Tom and Katie are married in Italy, though not really married because I'm pretty sure Italy (and Trashley) doesn't count Scientology as a religion; Oprah not invited
• Millions of idiots watched a football guy beat A.C. Slater on "Dancing With The Stars"
• Casino Royale rules me - and the Queen!
• And speaking of royals - Prince Harry slowly becoming hotter than Prince William
• Kelly Ripa faux-"outs" Clay Aiken and Rosie is pissed? I'm not quite sure, but I do know I loathe Kelly Ripa and her clownface.
• There is no Britney/Kevin sex tape - a nation mourns
• Robert Altman dies - Lindsay Lohan kind of bummed
• O.J. Simpson still a murderer

How busy we've been! Did I miss anything?

Woah

Ed Bradley used to be really awesome.

Irrelevant

"People" magazine paid about $1 million dollars for the pictures of Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern's "commitment ceremony." They were set the fuck up. Clearly this couple are not in a relationship in any way, but funerals and new babies are expensive. God willing, someday I'll be famous and wasted enough to fake marry my lawyer, too.

A Ponderance

If Rivers Cuomo ends Weezer and no one is around to care, does it make a sound?

Shine On, Diamond, etc.

Syd Barrett died. He's totally pissed you know this.