Oh Wait, Wait, Hang On

Sorry I haven't been posting, I've just been watching this video for what I assume has been days. I dare you to watch it and then try to do anything productive for the rest of the week.

Pete Doherty...has somehow...won my heart.

"The Sun" Has Lawyers. Heather Mills Doesn't.

This is perhaps the most delicious news item to flitter across my screen this month. It's better than Michael Richards being racist. It's better than Grammy nominations. It's better than Britney's vagina and Madonna's African baby combined!

Heather Mills has decided to represent herself during her divorce proceedings from (Sir) Paul McCartney. Being a "Law & Order" buff, I know the defendant will sometimes do this in criminal trials in order to be judged insane. However, I don't think this is what she has in mind. I have no idea what she has in mind, to tell the truth.

I'm telling you here and now, '07 is going to be the year of Heather Mills. Paris Hilton has nothing on this bitch.

Things I Missed

Two weeks is a long, long time to be gone from the World of Trash. Here's some already-old news I missed hilariously commenting on:

• The end of Reese and Ryan (Philaspoon?)
• Kramer is a racist and possibly a Freemason
• Britney and Paris are friends again
• Tom and Katie are married in Italy, though not really married because I'm pretty sure Italy (and Trashley) doesn't count Scientology as a religion; Oprah not invited
• Millions of idiots watched a football guy beat A.C. Slater on "Dancing With The Stars"
• Casino Royale rules me - and the Queen!
• And speaking of royals - Prince Harry slowly becoming hotter than Prince William
• Kelly Ripa faux-"outs" Clay Aiken and Rosie is pissed? I'm not quite sure, but I do know I loathe Kelly Ripa and her clownface.
• There is no Britney/Kevin sex tape - a nation mourns
• Robert Altman dies - Lindsay Lohan kind of bummed
• O.J. Simpson still a murderer

How busy we've been! Did I miss anything?

Blackberry Sorrow

K-Fed reacts on-camara when he learned of his divorce via-Blackberry. In-Canada.

Best part of the video? The girl in red at the :30 second mark reacting to Kevin's statement about missing his children.

Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night

Delicious quotes from Kevin Earl Federline.

"My shoes -- my kick game is ridiculous." Salon, 2006

"Last book I read was either -- man, somebody just asked me this shit today -- it was either Russell Simmons' or Puffy's book." Salon, 2006

"What you hear about in all those bullshit-ass magazines is bullshit." Details, 2005

"I didn't really do the whole high school thing." Entertainment Weekly, 2006

On the "A-Team" member he most identifies with:

"Murdoch. He was kind of like the brains." EW, 2006

"If I'm eating teriyaki chicken, I still put salsa over it. " EW, 2006

"Holla at ya damn self!" MySpace blog entry, 2006

"I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty -- want to know where I go when I’m your city?" "Popozão," 2oo6

Oh Yes

Looks like I got the tubes back just in time...Britney has finally filed for divorce!

I'm ready for a comeback. Seriously. You know there's going to be some killer ballads to come out of this.

Of cousre, I'm going to miss K-Fed. I'm sure it'll be a while before he disappears completely, though. We've still got record promotion to deal with, plus a show review or two. It's just a shame he won't have the money to help him out.

Is it wrong that the private troubles of a former teen pop star make me so, so happy?

Check "The Sun" Daily

They just don't give a fuck anymore! It's awesome. Heather Mills is threatening to sue, and here's how they retort:

"At one point in the papers, one-legged Heather said she had to crawl to the toilet at night without her false limb on because ex-Beatle Paul, 64, objected to her using a bedpan in their bedroom.

A friend of Kate said: 'Kate reassured Stella that she knew Heather was a liar because she had seen her hopping around.

'She said she was ‘jumping around like a fucking gazelle’ and is prepared to swear to it, in court if necessary.'"

and

"Here are lies which show she has not got a reputation to defend.

LIE 1: Lady Mucca frantically denied working as a prostitute. But in July it emerged she was a £5,000-a-night hooker whose clients including arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi and an Arab prince."

It's all so much fun! It's by far the best divorce to ever happen.