Oh, Britney

So you're taking your 16-year-old sister to sketchy tattoo parlors now, are you? Try as I might, I genuinely cannot get myself inside of your head to figure out why it is you do the things you do. There was a glorious two-day period when you really could have done it - you really could have come back and made us love you again. But you blew it. Please talk to Matt Lauer about this.

Remember UPN?

Since no one watched it while it was on, I dare you to take the time to try and watch a few minutes of "Chaotic," Britney and K-Fed's reality show. If you can provide me with a synopsis via comments, you may win a prize.

Dumbest News of the Day, Maybe

L.A.'s Department of Children & Family Services is supposedly interested in looking into Britney's fitness as a mother yet again, due to all her strawberry cocaine-fueled flashes around town. True, she does have two very young children at home, but it's not like they're alone. You know those kids have a very excellent nanny who is doing everything in her power to make sure her nurturing overcomes the nature of the kids' parents. They're far better off with mommy out of the house.

Vaginas

As you may know, Britney Spears, America's favorite former Mousekeeter, has been flashing her naked vagina all over town. I've thought long and hard (at least 2 minutes) about whether or not to post anything about it, but in the end, I decided not to. Why?

All vagina photos are intentional, blatant cries for attention.

Now, I did do previous entries about Lindsay Lohan's vagina, but that was mostly because hers looks a bit odd. I hereby state that I will no longer participate in the posting of celebrity vagina pictures, unless it's a really really good one from Betty White.

Give Me Money

Check out what Christie's is auctioning:

A page taken from Britney Spears' junior high school notebook containing her handwritten review of Rex Warner's translation of Sophocles' story Antigone, written in black ballpoint pen on either side of the page, Britney's review annotated by her teacher with corrections to her spelling and comments including ...Nice cover Organized Watch your spelling... and Write more neatly and her grade: 88; and a corresponding piece of yellow card decorated with the book's title Antigone in black felt pen -- 12x9in.

My shitty public school didn't get to Antigone until I was in the 10th grade! Britney Spears had a better education than I did!

Things I Missed

Two weeks is a long, long time to be gone from the World of Trash. Here's some already-old news I missed hilariously commenting on:

• The end of Reese and Ryan (Philaspoon?)
• Kramer is a racist and possibly a Freemason
• Britney and Paris are friends again
• Tom and Katie are married in Italy, though not really married because I'm pretty sure Italy (and Trashley) doesn't count Scientology as a religion; Oprah not invited
• Millions of idiots watched a football guy beat A.C. Slater on "Dancing With The Stars"
• Casino Royale rules me - and the Queen!
• And speaking of royals - Prince Harry slowly becoming hotter than Prince William
• Kelly Ripa faux-"outs" Clay Aiken and Rosie is pissed? I'm not quite sure, but I do know I loathe Kelly Ripa and her clownface.
• There is no Britney/Kevin sex tape - a nation mourns
• Robert Altman dies - Lindsay Lohan kind of bummed
• O.J. Simpson still a murderer

How busy we've been! Did I miss anything?

Oh Yes

Looks like I got the tubes back just in time...Britney has finally filed for divorce!

I'm ready for a comeback. Seriously. You know there's going to be some killer ballads to come out of this.

Of cousre, I'm going to miss K-Fed. I'm sure it'll be a while before he disappears completely, though. We've still got record promotion to deal with, plus a show review or two. It's just a shame he won't have the money to help him out.

Is it wrong that the private troubles of a former teen pop star make me so, so happy?

Baby Steps!

I was driving around listening to "Toxic" last night and it made me miss old Brit. I think it's going to happen. She knows she looks good. I'm excited.

I Dare You

This is Kevin Federline's album cover. I dare you to look into his eyes for a full 30 seconds and then tell me you're not fascinated by him.

Think about it - if you suddenly had all the time and money in the world to live out your dream - even if you're no good at it, would you go through with it? Probably not. You'd do what I would do - buy lots of booze and new clothes, and spend your days traveling the world looking for better booze and nicer clothes.

We all have fantasies and daydreams of being skilled at something we're not. Music, sports, writing, acting, it doesn't matter. Chances are you suck at it just as much as everyone else, and all the practice in the world isn't going to change it. Some talents people are just born with.

That's why I find Kevin so damn interesting. Sure, he's a loser who just spends his lady's hard-earned cash on pipe dreams, but his goddamned hubris has to be admired just a little bit. He's more than happy to humiliate himself in front of the world for no other reason than he believes in himself. I simply wouldn't have the balls to even try.

Kevin Federline Has Four Children

That he knows about!

Britney's naked brunette pregnant pictures for Harper's Bazaar are pretty good. I like the new hair, I love the airbrushing, and my mom had that necklace, I think.

She and Kevin are supposed to move to Kentwood at some point in the near future to work on their marriage. You just know K-Fed is going to cruise the Piggly Wiggly parking lot at night and buy cigarettes for high school girls.

I don't know how to feel about Britney anymore. She keeps changing on me. The Matt Lauer thing was a beautiful mess, her hair color is a step in the right direction, but I mean, she's still pregnant with another Federline child. I'm pro-choice. Just saying.

I just used spell-check. They suggested I replace "Federline" with "fatherliness." I think that's some kind of sign.