TyTy Baby

I had promised months ago to do "Top Model" reviews and recaps, but I couldn't be bothered after the first couple. I'm sorry. The timeslot worked against it, and there's no way I could be even half as hilarious as fourfour, so I decided to pretty much not even bother.

I do, however, have every intention of watching the finale tonight. You should do the same. It's bound to be hilarous, since pretty much everything Tyra Banks touches is solid-gold kitsch.

America's Lost Project

Top Model - AJ had stupid stupid hair, so I have no problem with seeing her go. And who'd have thunk that one of the weird butch twins is a gay? I think this show would be about a million times better if they had an all-lesbian season. Miss Jay counts.

Lost - I think I liked this episode, but not as much as last week's. I'm always happy to hang out with Locke, but Charlie needs to be mauled by a polar bear ASAP. Desmond was naked but still full of creepy facial hair, and Vision Boone was hotter than he ever was on the show, possibly due to lack of eyeliner. I am finally introduced to Paolo (Rodrigo Santon) and can only assume he and I will be married at some point.

Project Runway - Jeffrey, the Taylor Hicks of PR won the fucking show. Steven Tyler is stoked. Look for his exclusive line at a Hot Topic near you.

ANTM

I want to say something really funny and profound about last night's "America's Next Top Model," but I don't know if I can. Why? I get really confused as to which bitch is which. I refuse to learn any of their names until they cut the finalists down to at least 7.

Anyway, last night was the always fabulous "haircutting!" episode, and of course there were tears shed, mostly from Jay Manuel. Then there was something about Queen Latifah selling Cover Girl prodcuts (full disclosure: I love the Professional All-in-One mascara) during a lame-ass elevator challenge, which made me kind of sad 'cause I have not had any naked elevator time in my life. I should work on checking that one off the list.

Then there was phone drama between Sassy Black Woman and Everyone Else. Bitches tore it up like it was an episode of "Flavor of Love," for reals. I thought they were gonna throw punches.

After that there was a stupid challenge, and the eliminated girl was Kyle the lesbian from like 3 cycles ago. So basically nothing happened.

Does anyone else find Nigel Barker totally boneable? I sure do.