Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Colosseum

I have never been to Rome, but I think I've got the gist of it based on films I've seen: The Colosseum was built by Caligula (Malcolm McDowell) so he could have sex with his sister. Peter O'Toole and Helen Mirren were also involved somehow. Perhaps best known for the song "Chariots of Fire," the Colosseum was also the place a drunken Audrey Hepburn wanted to visit in Roman Holiday. Partly destroyed by the Australian gladiator Russel Crowe, Fredrico Fellini spent a great deal of his own money to restore it for his hit feature film, The Core.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Christ Redeemer

Here we go. Okay, look, I know Brazil is a predominantly Catholic country so they probably love the Jesus a whole lot, but is this really a Wonder of the World? Seriously, it's only been there since 1931. That's not enough time to be considered a Wonder! In my opinion, it needs to survive at least 2 centuries and at least one large-scale disaster. Well, maybe that shouldn't happen. If a Jesus statue on a mountain survives an earthquake, you just know they're going to start saying it's magic or something.

I thought Catholics were all about Mary, anyway.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Chichen Itza

Hey look, it's the Chichen Itza in Mexico! It's some kind of Mayan thing, and there were human sacrifices held here long long ago. I think it's the only human sacrifice-related Wonder of the 21 proposed, so I believe it should immediately bypass any voting and go ahead and make it to the top seven. How righteously morbid is this place?

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Angkor

This is a wonder I recognize. It's the Angkor in Cambodia. That's where Maddox Jolie-Pitt was born! He's such a cute little kid, with that mohawk haircut and devil-may-care gleam in his dark brown eyes he just steals my heart away. The Khmer Rouge ("khmer rouge" in French) used to run Cambodia and killed about a million people, and now the survivor's grandchildren are being spirited away by Hollywood celebrities - poor Cambodia. Maybe this wonder should actually make the list. They deserve it.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Alhambra

Google images tells me this is the Alhambra in Granada, Spain. I guess it's some kind of village or castle or something, I really can't be bothered to research it because I've never even heard of it, so it can't be that fucking great. I know a ton about Granada Television, though. It's in Britain and they produced some of my favorite gay programs like "Jeeves and Wooster," the "Brideshead Revisited" minseries, and the greatest daytime talk show of all time, "The Jeremy Kyle Show." That shit is like Maury meets Rikki Lake - squared.

Seven Wonders of the Fucking World - Acropolis

This is the first entry in a 21-part series where I will be mocking the shortlist of architectural sites that have been nominated to become the "New" Seven Wonders of the (Fucking) World.

If you're interested in this sort of thing, you can vote online.

First up? The Acropolis in Athens, Greece.

Wikipedia tells me there are lots of acropoli in Greece, but this is the best-known one, probably because of the replica of the Parthenon in Nashville. Otherwise it's just some scaffolding. Fuck this place. Seriously. The steps are falling apart, you have to climb to get there, and it is not within walking distance to McDonald's like the one here is.