Some Records

I love looking at lists - Greatest Fruit, Coolest People, Tastiest Cakes - they're all obviously clear subjects that have right and wrong answers (pomegranate, me, and yellow with chocolate frosting). The internet has made bitching and arguing and whining over arbitrary rankings great fun; my new favorite list, The Definitive 200 Albums Every Music Lover Should Own, is sure to cause all kinds of rumblings among these old tubes. Why? Well, partly because the selection was made by the National Association of Recording Merchandisers (who want you to BUY or RE-BUY these albums! From a retailer!) and partly because 95% of the albums on the list suck.

But you know what? It's easy to mock others. For once, let me mock myself. The following is a list of records I own/owned that are among the Definitive 200; please, take time to look over the albums and share your shame with me.

1. BEATLES – SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND
3. MICHAEL JACKSON – THRILLER
9. BEACH BOYS – PET SOUNDS
10. NIRVANA – NEVERMIND

Okay, four out of the Top Ten. Very dull, relatively unimpeachable choices. Sgt. Pepper's is by no means my favorite Beatles album, but whatever.

11. PEARL JAM – TEN

I haven't listened to it since I was about 16, and I could probably only list off the singles.

12. BEATLES – ABBEY ROAD

Required (by law) to be on the Top Twenty of every list ever.

26. ALANIS MORISSETTE – JAGGED LITTLE PILL

Okay, here we go. I don't remember why it was purchased, but it was getting mad play on my Walkman back in '96. This was a pretty big deal for me; you have remember this was still in the days when talking about giving blowjobs in theatres was considered risque lyrical content, and I was only 12 or so. Oh Alanis, you helped kick-start the angst of my teen years. Well done.

39. BEATLES – WHITE ALBUM
42. BEATLES – REVOLVER

Okay, my favorite Beatles album is at number 42. Whatever. I ain't re-buying it. I've got most of it ripped to my iPod.

50. GREEN DAY – DOOKIE

I actually saw Green Day a couple of years ago at Gaylord with a couple of girlfriends. The tickets were free, the show was pretty good, and we (ranging in age from early- to late-20s) were the oldest people there who didn't have any children. It was slightly bizarre.

69. GEORGE HARRISON – ALL THINGS MUST PASS
80. MICHAEL JACKSON – OFF THE WALL

Both good records. As good as #57, Get Rich or Die Tryin'? Obviously not.

88. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS – BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIK

I'm so boring. I used to really admire repetition, I guess.

91. MATCHBOX TWENTY – YOURSELF OR SOMEONE LIKE YOU

It was called "junior high" and those were crazy times. Sometimes you wanted to push people around, and I don't actually remember any of the other songs...I always preferred Third Eye Blind, anyway.

92. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS – CALIFORNICATION

I'm so boring. I used to really admire repetition, I guess.

96. CLASH – LONDON CALLING

It's no "Dookie," but what can you do?

110. BEATLES – RUBBER SOUL
111. RADIOHEAD – OK COMPUTER

I'm not as embarrassed on the whole as I thought I was going to be.

120. NO DOUBT – TRAGIC KINGDOM

I loved this record. Beginning to end, I thought it was just about the best thing ever. I haven't listened to it in years, and now wonder if it would stand up over time. Of course, I sold it ages ago. I'm not buying it again.

149. SMASHING PUMPKINS – MELLON COLLIE & THE INFINITE SADNESS

The Smashing Pumpkins were my absolute favorite band when I was in high school. I can tell you the exact moment I heard this record: It was the summer of 1998 and I was on a class trip to Washington, DC, and the CDs were lent to me on the plane. I bought it as soon as I got back home, and had the band on repeat for like, 5 years. I think Siamese Dream is a better album overall, but I won't deny the role this record played in my whining teenage years.

167. STONE TEMPLE PILOTS – CORE

Geez.

171. DAVID BOWIE – RISE AND FALL OF ZIGGY STARDUST
178. WHITE STRIPES – WHITE BLOOD CELLS

I have no problems with either one of these.

Only 23 out of 200 - I think I got off pretty easily, all things considered. There were no Greatest Hits on there (so technically I could not admit to owning the Journey they listed), so that cut my list down a bit. There was also no Spice Girls or Hanson or N'Sync - Christina Aguilera was the only bubblegum listed, and she's all respectable and shit nowadays. No fun!

Hey Locals!

Perez Hilton (of all sources) says The Backstreet Boys are recording a new album in Nashville. Why am I only just learning of this? Guess I'll have to head to Graham Central Station and party with the boys. Is that place still even open? Should I have been reading All The Rage? I'm so full of conflicting emotions right now!

Oh My Christ

I've figured out why I haven't been able to find out any good gossip - every damn TV show and website have been obsessed with the goings-on of hateful slurs on the "Grey's Anatomy" set.

Seriously; I could not give less of a damn.

It seems like they've been talking about this forever, and it's getting old. Real old. Can you imagine if there were so many magazines and blogs 10 years ago? I bet Calista Flockhart talked all kinds of shit about Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Rerun Blogging the VH1 Big in '06 Awards!

You've heard of live blogging? Well, I'm rerun blogging, which means I took notes when I watched the pre-taped event earlier in the evening, and am putting those scribbled thoughts into text on the interweb. I've just now invented the concept. Brilliant.

First and foremost, I can go ahead and tell you the exact moment pop culture imploded upon itself: and it happened on VH1. The popular and awesome "I Love the..." series did an episode on 1994 and discussed the horrible, horrible film Reality Bites. Now, that particular movie serves no other purpose than to remind Generation X of the cartoons and songs they loved in their adolescence, and to pop culturally reminisce about pop cultural reminiscence is such a useless, self-congratulatory exercise I can't help but love it and devote many hours of my day to further capturing the phenomenon. Thus comes "Big in '06."

It was basically a two-hour episode of "Best Week Ever," only there was an audience present. The biggest names in attendance were Justin Timberlake (who was slumming) and Ice-T (who is my 3rd favorite "SVU" detective), though I'm sure they were blinded by the shining superstars of tomorrow like Lonelygirl15 and Perez Hilton.

Yes, the internet, appropriately enough, played a vital role in the night's festivities. There was a whole category for "Web Hit of the Year" that Lonelygirl15 eventually won, in spite of the fact she's no longer topical, and the nonsensical competition from OK Go and "London Bridge" by Fergie. What the fuck Fergie's single has to do with the web, I don't know.

As far as out-and-out ridiculousness was concerned, there were three moments that could take the cake. If Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence present an award to David Hasselhoff for "Best Comeback," does the baby Jesus cry? Or does an angel get his wings when Perez Hilton gives Paris Hilton her shiny trophy for "Outlaw" of the year? She has been wearing panties lately, I guess. I suppose the most ridiculous moment came courtesy of Dennis DeYoung (yes, Styx) singing "Lady" to a parade of reality television females of the past year, capped of by a sashay from Miss J of "America's Next Top Model." Yes, Miss J is a man.

Of course, it's easy to overanalyze trash culture; to elevate it beyond it's purpose as if it fills some greater social need than entertainment. I was feeling guilty of this until Stephen Colbert won the award for "Big Breakthrough." Naturally not present, he dismissively accepted his trophy in character while polishing his real awards. It's obvious he was joking. It's obvious he really didn't care.

Of course, I'm just joking, and I really don't care, yet I still take the time to write notes and organize my thoughts into hopefully some amusing rant about the state of pop culture. I'd love to be a guest talking head on "Best Week Ever" or, dream of dreams, host "The Soup." I think that would be the moment I would implode upon myself from the forces of uselessness and purpose.

Not the Jesus One, Not the Rich One

Did you know there was a Daniel Baldwin?

Anyway, he got arrested. Whatever.

Fat Nicole in Treatment

Nicole Richie has checked into some kind of treatment center to help her gain weight because she is not a drug addict, bulimic, or anorexic.

She is, however, a fucking heifer. Seriously. She needs to lose more weight if anything.

Real World? Websites!

Trishelle - Las Vegas!

Irene - Seattle!

Julie - New Orleans!

Andre - New York I (remember??)!

In Other Has-Been News...

Wesley Snipes is a dumbass and didn't pay his taxes.

When it comes to tax fraud or evasion or whatever, I kind of can't help but think you're doing this intentionally. Actors hire people to do this shit for them, so unless he's been royally fucked over by H&R Block, I have no pity for him.

On the other hand, I have seen Demolition Man at least 5 times, so maybe I deserve some pity.

Dreams Come True!!!!

Paris and Nicole are BFF again!!! Now if only I could find the courage to end my long-standing feud with Jennifer Love Hewitt, the world would be at peace agan.

Deep Thoughts

If Paris Hilton is punched by Shanna Moakler over Travis Barker, does the fist to jaw contact make a sound?

How many orphaned babies will die because celebrities won't adopt them?

How many times will Eva Longoria cry for help before I care who she is or what she does?

He Said/He Said

Who oh who could be Anna Nicole's babydaddy? Howard (K.) Stern went on Larry King Live last night and said it was him, but some other guy insists that he is the father!

Well, you can guess my thoughts...once Anna Nicole is done grieving her poor dead son, take this shit to Maury Povich! He will straighten it all out.

Please Be Untrue

Usually when I hear a strange or disgusting rumor, I want it to be true. Actually, I not only want it to be true, but I want to find out as much about it as I can. Purchase the tape, if need be. This, however, is something that needs to be false.

Rumor is there's a Screech "Dustin Diamond" Powers sex tape floating around out there. A sex tape with two ladies. A sex tape featuring the dirty Sanchez.

Um, seriously? That's what makes me think it's false. No one actually does that, do they?

Classy Squared

Paris Hilton sells wine. Wine in a can.

Jared Leto Hates Me

He says:

“I think that blogs should die a sudden death. It’s just ridiculous. It’s like a playground for four-year-olds. People say and do things in the world of blgos that they would never do in real life, and I think it’s a false experience…The blog is yesterday’s parachute pants. It’s here now but it’s gone tomorrow.”

I'm sure Mr. Leto is right. Here today and gone tomorrow - blogs (you know, writing) will totally disappear long before his haircuts and makeup. And music. And Crocs.

I only hate you because I care, Jared. And I've got the mental capacity of at least a seven-year-old.

Undermining the Sanctity of Marriage!

I don't know why those religious types hate the gays so much, when the deliciously insane Carter brothers work that talking-point nonstop.

Remember when Nick was engaged to Paris Hilton?

Now younger, somehow uglier brother Aaron is engaged to a Playmate after proposing onstage in Vegas.

The question is: Why was Aaron Carter onstage?

Modern-Day Prophet?

Stephen Baldwin throws some wisdom down, Jesus-style:

"I represent the new breed of Christians, baby, that are gettin' ready to kick ass in the name of the Kingdom."

Praise Him!


Radar: So can you name the seven deadly sins?
SB: Dude, I'm totally clueless.

I wonder if Stephen ever tries to hang out with Kirk Cameron? I bet he does, and you know Kirk ain't having it.

Presses = Stopped

BREAKING NEWS: Some chick who made videos on YouTube I had never watched (or even heard of) is a fake because she's an actress and it was all some big experiment about art or something.

Someone on the internet lied? Color me shocked. This is perhaps the biggest non-story to break since the drama of That Girl Emily.

I hate memes. And Taylor Hicks.

Petra Nemcova

If you read the gossip magazines and blogs as much as I do, you're probably familiar with model Petra Nemcova. She's very pretty, is dating singer James Blunt, and goes to parties and charity events and whatnot.

Now, is it just me, or was she not famous until she almost died in the tsunami? Remember that? Her boyfriend at the time drowned, along with about 200,000 other people. I know she did some "Sports Illustrated" stuff before, but really, not dying was the best thing that happened to her career.

I do wish she had been dating James Blunt in 2004, though. I hate that guy.

Nice Lips

I was going to ask which "Las Vegas" star had the best plastic surgery, but after I thought about it, the answer became pretty obvious.

Rockstars are CRAZY!!!1

HAHAHAHA. Boys kissing is funny! They are so rock!