Monday, July 31

A Reasonable Question

Dudes Dressed Up As Jack Sparrow: Why does everyone love to dress up as him? And why do they do it so badly?

Greatest Show on Earth

I've read in like, two places now that there are several new editions to the cast of "Lost" this fall, and this man is supposedly one of them. His name is Rodrigo Santoro and I am offically in love with him. I don't care if he only has a 3-episode backstory arc or accidenly surfs to the island; it really doesn't matter. Anything to take screentime away from Evil Jack Shepard is fine with me. The astounding good looks are just a bonus.

There's some women supposed to join too, I think. Whatever.


Everyone knows by now George Michael likes to cruise for random sex, right? Yeah, that's pretty much common knowledge. Are you aware, however, that this man is supposedly the stranger in the woods that almost ended George's engagement, and is now about to be sued? For serious. I mean, you can add "George Michael Loves Anonymous Sex" to that earlier list of "State the Obvious," but wow. There are no hot gay British men. Seriously. I dare you to name one, living or dead.

An Appeal

Dear Jarvis,

Please play a show in Nashville. I'm really bored with local music right now because I've seen all the good bands dozens of times, and all the touring acts that pass through suck (yeah, I'm looking at you, Sufjan). It'd be really awesome if you played a small show somewhere really crappy, and just tried out new stuff. I wouldn't judge you, so don't worry if any new material isn't quite up to snuff yet. Hell, you could just DJ all night if you wanted to, and drink beer and dance with us. No need to play the hits around here, my friend. It would really mean a lot to me personally, though you certianly don't owe me anything. But I did enjoy Relaxed Muscle, so, you know, just keep that in mind.


PS - Do you still smoke? It's cool if you don't, I'm just curious.


I feel kind of bad for not updating more this weekend, but in my defense, it has been a pretty slow trash news week. There weren't any new developments - it's been a matter of stating the obvious.

Lance Bass is gay!
Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled party animal!
Mel Gibson hates Jews!

I mean, come on. That's like announcing Britney Spears is sad or "Project Runway" means more to me than my family. Clear to all.

The only truly new thing I noticed this weekend was CMT (Country Music Television) has started airing episodes of "Hee Haw." That's it.

Someone needs to get into a car accident or break up or something. Paris Hilton does not count.

Sunday, July 30


So the movie's going to be pretty awesome, right?

Arrogant or Not...

Keith Michael is gorgeous, and not a one of you can deny it. Since it seems almost everyone in the world hates him, I'm very afraid of this Wednesday. If he is the one to go, I will at least have beautiful memories of the make-believe sex he and I had.

Ugly TV Moms V

Roseanne Conner

Friday, July 28


Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Israel, Lebanon, Palestine, Iran, Sudan, healthcare, gay marriage, abortion rights, and etc. all sort themselves out for an afternoon so Bush has time to meet the "American Idol" Top Ten. Pickler is stoked.


This song has been in my head for days and days and days now, and I'm not sure why - but I'm not complaining. It's awesome.

In the words of Nelson Muntz...

Click the link to read the letter in full. Trust me, it's golden.

Evil Dead: The Musical!

Such a thing exists, it seems.

Oh, you want a sample song title? How about "All the Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons,” is that good enough for you?

This is probably the trashiest thing I've ever heard of. Verily, I want to see it.

Thursday, July 27

I Don't Think Michael Jackson Owns These

500 Beatles tapes were found. I think that's pretty neat, since Paul McCartney is going to have some horrible alimony to pay out pretty soon.

Did anyone else think it was sad he was alone on his 64th birthday? I did.


Tony Sinclair is not a real person. I know this because, um, I looked it up. Though there are few things greater than a good spokesfop, I'm too poor to drink Tanqueray. Gordon's all the way, baby. I loves my gin.

...And No One Cares

Simon Cowell is sleeping with this woman. She's been on British reality television shows. She has a messageboard. She is gross. I don't know if I like Simon anymore. His real girlfrind is really pretty, he shouldn't gamble!

More Like Project Run-GAY

I'm a dog person. They're personable. They're cute. They're a million times better than cats or birds or fish or any other pet. That said, I thought this week's "Project Runway" challenge was dumb. Dumby-dumb-dumb. I've put myself in the Keith Michael camp before today, but I totally agree with him about dressing up stupid little lapdogs in frills and jackets. First of all, lapdogs are barely dogs, and people who dress up their pets irritate me to no end. The powers that be at PR somehow managed to outgay themselves a week after a challenge for a pageant gown. Crazy.

The winner (Uli) was fair. The boot (Katherine) was also fair, but I can't help but be sickened by Angela's continued hippie fumes emanating from my television. Get rid of that thing.

Assorted Notes:
Michael Knight may take it all the way if he keeps up the awesome. I miss Michael Kors! Drew Barrymore is a ventriloquist, and Alison is her dummy. I'm genuinely scared about next week's dismissal - does this mean two people will gone in one challenge cycle? I worry for Keith.


I'll admit, I'm a tiny bit obsessed with Kevin Federline, but in a wholly voyeuristic way. This man is a perfect example of everything that is wrong with the American sense of total entitlement, and then he ups the ante and throws poor hygiene into the mix. He's absolutely brilliant: a piece of living art.

So, here we have it. Federline modeling. I need to find a man who rides bikes and wears a fedora. I'm pretty sure he's advertising the jacket, but still - amazing.

PS - My spell check suggested I replace "Federline" with "Fatherliness." You couldn't ask for a more astute observation.

Wednesday, July 26

Eddie Izzard

There's something different about him, but I can't quite place it...

Dane Cook a Thief!

I love, LOVE it when people I hate get in trouble! Plagiarism is bad, kids. Listen to the MP3. I think maybe one idea of a joke could be accidentally internalized, but not 3 jokes with the exact same premise and almost the exact same "punchline." I don't the first comedian is very funny either, but at least he's performing his own material. I want this to be the beginning of the end.

Of course, Denis Leary stole his whole stage persona from Bill Hicks, so in reality, I guess I shouldn't look forward to any justice.

Lost: Season 3

What we have here are not exactly spoilers, but a kind of general overview of Season 3 of the greatest hour-long drama television has ever seen. One particular revelation excited me muchly. If you know me, it's pretty easy to guess which one. I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with "Desmond Will Return."

Do you like the picture of Sayid? I almost drew little red hearts around his pretty face. I miss him. October is so far away...

"John Tucker Must Die" Must Die

I don't the the movie has even come out yet, and I'm already sick to death of the commercial. I remember when I saw the trailer and thought, "gee, that looks like shit! Stupid kids and their shitty movies!" Little did I know I would be forced to see the commercial for the film (which is almost identical to the trailer) about 343 times a day on EVERY CHANNEL of television. MTV, CBS, Food Network, Travel Channel, it doesn't matter. It's everywhere. I can't stand the dialogue I've heard over and over and over again, clearly those are going to be the only "jokes" in the movie.

"John loves girls on top...of the pyramid, hello!"

Shut up. Just shut up.

Lance Bass Comes Out

Tuesday, July 25

Ugly TV Moms IV

Edith Bunker

Little Fonzie

I really like people who have a sense of humor about themselves. Samuel L. Jackson says,

"If people can stop yelling do I know what a quarter-pounder with cheese in France is called and start yelling get these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane, I'll be fine, I'll be great."

He'll pretty much do anything for a paycheck, it's really only fair for him to have a new catchphrase.


The bustle is back! Finally.

Monday, July 24

Is This For Real?

So, Steely Dan wrote a letter to Luke Wilson, asking him to reel in his brother Owen regarding "You, Me, and Dupree" which is apparently the title of a Steely Dan song. It's clearly the funniest thing ever written. Dudes were RIPPED when they banged this out.

It's so lengthy and brilliant, I simply don't have the time or grasp of the English language to wrap up the letter in a nice, succinct ball...the best I can do is give you a sentence or two totally out of context, I think it'll help you get the idea.

"You know yourself, man, that what goes around, comes around - that's like the first fucking thing you learn, right? Instant karma is a fact, Jack."

P.S. I really like "Reelin' in the Years."

P.P.S. I totally think Luke is more mature, too.


How accurate is imdb? My Project Runway stalking led me to Austin Scarlett's profile, and it says that he played "The Thief" in Caress of the Vampire 2 in 1996. Now, if he really was born in 1981 like his profile states, that means he would have been only 15 years old when making this film. I have no clue what this movie is about, but if it's what I think it's about, there's no way that can be legal, right? Maybe it's a mistake, or maybe I'm overthinking it. No matter, as long as I can have a role in part 3.

Feel Me

I don't really have much to say, I just wanted to share these pictures of Keith Michael groping Miss U.S.A. I'm almost distrurbed by how cool I would be with him if he were to touch me like that. Almost.


I don't even watch "The Tonight Show" to begin with, and I loathe Jay Leno with a passion most other crazy people reserve for snake handling and firewalking. There are plenty of reasons not to ever tune in - but if you'd like a new one, two of his guests tonight (I refuse to give their names) are "arctic explorers." Sure.

Probably the only group of people I hate more than Jay Leno and hippies combined are "arctic explorers" or "professional adventures" or whatever they're calling it this week. Why not just say "bored rich people with delusions of grandeur?" It's not like you're going to discover any new fucking paths to the summit of Everest - everything on land has already been explored, either by REAL SCIENTISTS or people 100 years ago who did the same shit you want to, only without walkie-talkies.

I could care less about hot air balloon exploits or yacht races around the world. Why don't you spend some of your superfluous time and money to do something worthwhile, something that will actually contribute to society. Your goddamn name will STILL be in the papers if you decide to build a school in Afghanistan, friends. You might also feel good about yourselves when you go to sleep at night. I'll probably still hate you, of course, but at least I'll hate you out of jealousy rather than just thinking you're a dumbass.

It's All A Dream

I've seriously started to wonder about the movie version of "Dallas," especially now that Scarlett Johansson is allegedly involved. Can she do comedy? That's how I've always envisioned it, much like The Brady Bunch Movie or The Addams Family, both of which were actually kind of good. I hope they don't try and turn it into a drama à la theconvolutedd Mission Impossible or the unnecessary Miami Vice, which I won't even bother to see.

I have no actual memories of "Dallas," though I am familiar with the whole "Who Shot J.R.?" premise because that's the kind of shit that's important to me for whatever reason. At this point, ofcoursee, as long as there's no Paris Hilton threat, I might think about seeing it, maybe. On cable.

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Pelé Jr.

So, David and Victoria Beckham are probably going to move to the U.S. (and by U.S. I mean Los Angeles) pretty soon. If you'll look closely at the picture, you can understand that there's really no better place on Earth for this couple. The breasts. The tans. The meticulous detail regarding accessories. How deliciously trashy! Apparently L.A. has a professional soccer team, and they're supposedly trying to get David over here so we can all start calling soccer "football," and football "American football." Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Sunday, July 23

My First Record

Trashley's pop culture addiction began early.

Saturday, July 22

Famous People!

I've added a new feature in the sidebar, "VIP Blogs." Here's a little taste of the greatness they have to offer - Lisa Whelchel with Lou Diamond Phillips. Pure class. Reccomendations are welcome.


My archnemesis Taylor Hicks will be meeting President Bush next Friday. Well actually, all of the Top Ten finalists from this year will go to the White House, but Hicks (since he's teh winna!) is the only name that's being mentioned anywhere. I'm sure Hicks and Bush will have a lot to talk about, like maybe Taylor can give some awesome advice about what he would do with Israel and Lebanon. It would probably have something to do with giving them Fords and Coca-Cola.

Friday, July 21

Hey Ya'll...

Carson Daly be all nasty-lookin' and shit. Livestrong, dude.


Leave any movie-watching experiences out of it - is M. Night Shyamalan hot? I think yes, like 97% hot. I have a serious thing for egoists.


'90s Nostalgia

The New '80s are over and done with, it's official. You can buy leggings at Wal-Mart (probably), and mostly I'm just over it. I say it's time to start the first wave of '90s nostalgia, because it's been a loooong seven years.

I. Movies
Yes yes, we all know you love The Princess Bride and The Goonies, and are even willing to watch a lesser Andrew McCarthy selection (Mannequin) to keep your '80s cred poppin' fresh. Cut that shit out right now. Go watch Clueless, or Cruel Intentions if you're feeling naughty. Rent The Sixth Sense and relive your high hopes for M. Night Shyamalan. Your best bet, of course, would be to watch (likely for the first time) the greatest film not only of Christina Applegate's career, but also of all time - Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. You will thank me.

II. Clothing
I've already mentioned the leggings - they have got to go. If you're not under 100 pounds, you shouldn't be wearing them in the first place, but I'm not going to judge. Go ahead and whip out your stirrup pants, though, they look shitty on everyone. The ladies are also welcome to start wearing ill-fitting sundresses with clunky shoes, and big ugly plastic rings. For the men, stop wearing sweatbands and straightening your hair. It's kind of weird. You're still allowed to wear t-shirts, just make sure they feature bands like Oasis, Pearl Jam, and The Cardigans (pussy). Please make sure the shirts are loose, though. If I can see your nipples, you're doing something wrong.

III. Music
You're a poser anyway, so it really doesn't matter what I tell you to listen to: you're just gonna listen to Dave Matthews Band like you've always done, so my work here is clearly done.

IV. Culture
Use Yahoo! as your search engine rather than Google for as long as you can stand. Only refrence Will Ferrell as "that guy in the cheerleader sketch". Try to make friends with a foreigner, many of them liked us in the '90s. Worry about Courtney Love. Mourn Princess Diana (Brits exempt). Re-watch the footage of the O.J. trial you taped during school/work, and try to feign surprise when the verdict is read. Waste hundreds of dollars on a laserdisc player. Pick a side: East Coast or West? God Bless Our Troops in the Middle East.

That's it for now. I've got to drink some Orbitz and adjust my telescope so I can check out that spaceship behind Hale-Bopp.

Ugly TV Moms III

Estelle Costanza

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number VI

Hugh Laurie/Dr. Gregory House

This is a two-for-one...I adore the actor and his comedy, but I also love the character and his horrible, horrible attitude. And eyes. Nice big blue eyes.

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Thursday, July 20

I'm Sorry.

Malan Breton (from Taiwan) has a MySpace page. And a Blogger account. I feel really, really bad for talking such shit about him before last night. His auf'ing broke my heart, and now I want nothing more than to have him back.

Fuck Angela Kessler. Hate hate.

Trashy Video Appreciation I

Come for Dolly, stay for the dancing aliens.

Did You Know...?

...the nebbish little love interest of Wednesday in Addams Family Values grew up to be the insanely attractive David Krumholtz? It's true.

...he now stars in the mediocre "Numb3rs" with Rob Morrow, who you know better as Dr. Joel Fleishman from the excellent "Northern Exposure?"

...Joel Fleishman love interest Maggie O'Connell ruined her face?

Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

He is coming!


According to Popbitch, Samuel L. Jackson is going to be the voice of God in a new audio version of the Bible.

According to me, it will be the most hipster Bible ever.

Wednesday, July 19

Save the Date!

From wikipedia:
Bottoms Up is a romantic comedy film that stars Jason Mewes and Paris Hilton. The story is about a Midwestern bartender (Mewes) who ingratiates himself into the Hollywood system and finds love with a girl (Hilton) along the way. The movie is set to release straight-to-DVD on September 12, 2006.

Miss Universe

Aw, I'm glad Kayne won this challenge. His little gay pageant heart deserved it...and I do feel a little bit of Tennessee solidarity. Way to go, boy. The dress totally works for Miss Universe, too.

Speaking of Miss Universe, I wish I had been her during that 2-minute Keith dress pitch. He felt her up, kept talking about how sexy her legs were, and was positively leering at her. He was penetrating her with his eyes. And I had to retype "eyes" twice because I kept spelling "yes."

As far as the Auf, I cannot believe Malan Braton (from Taiwan) is gone! On the second episode! Angela was scary and passive-aggressive, and just not nearly as interesting. Malan is the epitome of self-absorption and melodrama. I think I'll miss him.

Britney ♥s Blake

I can't really make fun of this. Her writing makes me so sad.

Yesterday's News, I Know...

If Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra can't make it, what chance do any of us have? Honestly. Judge them all you like, but I dare you to name any couple more perfect, more tailor-made for each other than this duo. They're both so damn sincere in their artifice, it's endearing. Yeah, neither are particularly talented or (in my opinion) attractive, and people like them are the reason I never want to visit Los Angeles - but there is no doubt in my mind that they were in love. It makes me sad they couldn't work it out.

Wednesday Morning

You can go to Bravo and buy stuff from the current Project Runway designers...there are auctions for the clothes they make on the show, and there's a section to buy t-shirts the contestants have made (um, nice "design" there, Bonnie).

There's also a section where you can buy crap that the designers like, mostly books and movies. You can learn a lot about a person by what they enjoy. Here are a few highlights.

1. Malan Breton (from Taiwan) likes Green Day, so I now believe he is 15 years old.

2. Robert Best suggests EVERYTHING by Jane Austen, which is all kinds of awesome.

3. Svelte New York supermom Laura Bennett listens to Brooks & Dunn and The Eagles, so I'm automatically better than her, even if I do sometimes wear sweatpants. Bitch.

4. Keith likes David Sedaris! I like David Sedaris! Clearly...clearly this is some kind of sign. After we've been together a few times, maybe it would be cool if I were allowed to hang out in bed for a while and read with him. I promise I'd turn the pages very quietly! I could also go fix him a drink, if he wants. Eventually he'd glace over at me and nod, indicating not approval, but need for the lighter on the nightable next to me for his cigarette. I would light it for him, and he would thank me. It would be better than love.

Tuesday, July 18

I Want a Cherry Coke

Darren Hayes, former singer of Savage Garden, recently got gay married in Britain.

From the linked article:
Hayes had not previously come out publicly, and gay publications in Australia had pondered the question of his sexual orientation as recently as May.

May? Not say, 1997? I mean, they named the group after reading Anne Rice. Pretty gay. Also: see attached picture. Just saying.

Nevertheless, I wish Darren and his top the very best. While indifferent to Australians, I love the gay marriage, and was a big 'ol Savage Garden fan during my junior high years. Their first record was the jam, and you know they still play "Truly Madly Deeply" at gymnasium proms.


Oprah: "I'm Not Gay"

At last, we can all go back to our normal lives!

Stop Doing This Shit

There are many reasons for me to dislike George W. Bush, and they are varied. In fact, they range from basic disagreements on human rights and foreign policy based on my own moral compass, to my belief that the English language is a beautiful thing, and should be used thoughtfully.

I think he's a lot of things, but I never thought of him as a sexual harasser.

The woman on the recieving end of the shoulder massage is Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany. She's a pretty important lady doing pretty important world business, and Our President, for whatever reason, finds it appropriate to give her a back rub.


You know, even if we ignore the issues of gender and respect, it's just a horribly unprofessional thing to do! Is Putin going to give Tony Blair a playful kiss on the tummy when they're hanging out? No.

She's clearly surprised and embarassed, just like I was when I read about this. I'd rather be in Lebanon than at the G8 summit right now, for serious.

Scarlett as Boleyn

I'm not sure exactly which Boleyn she'll be playing, but it doesn't matter. English historical drama is my favorite kind of movie, and Scarlett Johansson is my favorite kind of actress. I'm way too excited about this.

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Nothing if not Succinct

Monday, July 17


Project Runway lovers, read here.

I tend to believe it.

Clearly I've had an emotional day.

Zach Braff

I really, really don't get it. Does he possess an Everyman quality I'm not picking up on? Do women seriously find him attractive, like he's some kind of lesser Dobler? I can't be the only one who finds his schtick trite. It's banality posing as emotional depth by way of soundtrack. Please don't let me be the only person who sees this.

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number V

Simon Schama

Oh Simon, you make history feel so current.

Love you.

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Project Runway SCANDAL!

Look, I'm not saying for sure this is the designer to go.

I'm not saying I wanted to know this new information.

I will say that the photos pretty much speak for themselves.

I'm just passing it on, but I wouldn't follow the link if you're a fan of the mysteries and magic of Heidi Klum-based reality television.

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"I'm grossly unqualified for every job I ever had"

Okay then, what the hell? Why do you continue to have awesome jobs when you full-on admit you're worthless, Rachel Ray? You're famous for cooking hamburgers, heating up frozen peas, and calling extra-virgin olive oil "E.V.O.O." There are certian kinds of celebrity I understand, and then there's this. I don't find you particularly interesting, charming, talented, or attractive.

How about someone give me a TV show, then? I can invite my friends on and we can talk about people we hate, or maybe I could go to a diffrent landmark around the world and look for the most attractive men. Seriously. I'm more than unqualified for this. Clearly I've been sleeping with the wrong people.

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