Friday, July 21

'90s Nostalgia

The New '80s are over and done with, it's official. You can buy leggings at Wal-Mart (probably), and mostly I'm just over it. I say it's time to start the first wave of '90s nostalgia, because it's been a loooong seven years.

I. Movies
Yes yes, we all know you love The Princess Bride and The Goonies, and are even willing to watch a lesser Andrew McCarthy selection (Mannequin) to keep your '80s cred poppin' fresh. Cut that shit out right now. Go watch Clueless, or Cruel Intentions if you're feeling naughty. Rent The Sixth Sense and relive your high hopes for M. Night Shyamalan. Your best bet, of course, would be to watch (likely for the first time) the greatest film not only of Christina Applegate's career, but also of all time - Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. You will thank me.

II. Clothing
I've already mentioned the leggings - they have got to go. If you're not under 100 pounds, you shouldn't be wearing them in the first place, but I'm not going to judge. Go ahead and whip out your stirrup pants, though, they look shitty on everyone. The ladies are also welcome to start wearing ill-fitting sundresses with clunky shoes, and big ugly plastic rings. For the men, stop wearing sweatbands and straightening your hair. It's kind of weird. You're still allowed to wear t-shirts, just make sure they feature bands like Oasis, Pearl Jam, and The Cardigans (pussy). Please make sure the shirts are loose, though. If I can see your nipples, you're doing something wrong.

III. Music
You're a poser anyway, so it really doesn't matter what I tell you to listen to: you're just gonna listen to Dave Matthews Band like you've always done, so my work here is clearly done.

IV. Culture
Use Yahoo! as your search engine rather than Google for as long as you can stand. Only refrence Will Ferrell as "that guy in the cheerleader sketch". Try to make friends with a foreigner, many of them liked us in the '90s. Worry about Courtney Love. Mourn Princess Diana (Brits exempt). Re-watch the footage of the O.J. trial you taped during school/work, and try to feign surprise when the verdict is read. Waste hundreds of dollars on a laserdisc player. Pick a side: East Coast or West? God Bless Our Troops in the Middle East.

That's it for now. I've got to drink some Orbitz and adjust my telescope so I can check out that spaceship behind Hale-Bopp.


Anonymous jennifer said...

M. Night Shyamalan is SO hot! Did you ever see that super creepy, disturbing commercial he did for, like, Mastercard? I think they only showed it twice because it was really out there, but when, at the end of it, they showed it was HIM, I was like OOH DANG!

10:34 PM  
Blogger Trashley said...

I actually have a really hot picture of him saved for a "Hot or Not?" posting. I think he's totally cute, personally. I might as well get it out of the way.

10:37 PM  
Anonymous sharon said...

We watched Demolition Man the other day, and it's set in the future, and in the future we'll all be using Laserdisc, so you're obviously WRONG.

2:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trashley, I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling it. When I think of the 90's, I think of horrors like Pearl Jam and Cherry Pop'n Daddies, and the re-emergence of Aerosmith. And teenage girls with big gravity-defying "puffs" of hair over their foreheads. And guys with ear rings. And gangster road movies. And Tia Carrera. And James (not John) Belushi. Ugh.

Then again, I'm still stuck in the 70's.

7:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and really, is there anything more 90's than being stuck in the 70's?

8:12 AM  
Anonymous jennifer said...

Cherry Poppin' Daddies! Big Bad Voodoo Daddy! Haaaaa. "Well it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight!"

8:58 AM  
Blogger Trashley said...

I know people who still base their interaction with ladies on the premise of "Swingers." I don't even know WHAT kind of nostalgia that is.

9:18 AM  
Anonymous Rob said...

I could not agree more about the 90's revival. We are ready. The early 90s have been fair game for just a little while, but the mid-90s have only recently become available. I think that I realized all of this when I saw the Buzz Ballads commercial for the first time. Where's my STP cds?

11:00 AM  

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