Hey Will Smith

I'm already tired of commericals for your new movie, and they've only been airing a week or two. Also: it's so not cool to hire your son to play your son in a film, especially when you have two other kids at home. I guess you don't love them. Oh, and that's not how you spell "happiness."

I'm still pretty pissed at you for taking over Nick at Nite.

Today

I'm a student. A procrastinating one. I've spent most of the day trying to bang out 10 pages about enviroment and sexuality in T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and W.H. Auden's "In Praise of Limestone." As you can imagine, I've had a ball.

Frankly, nothing excited happened today and I'm sick and tired of staring at a computer screen. Sorry. Go click on some links to the right if you're interested in reading snark about the lives of celebrites - living non-poets. My favorite kind of people.

This is my current favorite song. Isn't it great?

Your Boyfriend is Stoked

'Cause it looks like Scarlett is single.

Slow News Day

I hate it when the Trash that's going on in the world is just a re-hash of the past couple of days. Someone new needs to break up or get arrested or get knocked up or start a fistfight or write a book or go to Africa or vomit on stage or get new breasts or get outed or something.

To segue into nothing, here's the video for Katie Price (Jordan) and Peter Andre, two of Britain's most hilarious tabloid staples, performing "A Whole New World." Yeah, the song from Aladdin. Those two can out-Trash Lindsay, Paris, and Britney combined.

Because I'm Probably Not Friends With You...

Two of Nashville's hottest acts, Haunted Head and The Northridge Rangers, have recently released songs on MySpace. Which one is better? Let me tell you:

Haunted Head's new jam "Me and Lee" is a light acoustic number about relationships and moving to Tennessee. It's kind of like The Silver Jews, but recorded on a Mac. The lyrics of the song will likely resonate with many listeners who have struggled to find their own cheap houses with central heat (and air), plus the shout out to D&D adds the ever-vital "kitsch" factor any song about boyfriends requires. The friendly banter between group members lets one in on the songwriting process, and you're left with the impression that the band members genuinely like one another - a rare accomplishment for many superstar acts today.

"Lost Boys," the new song by The Northridge Rangers, also has lyrics. To my knowledge, it's the first Rangers song to feature vocals of any kind, so there you go. A much more "rockin'" number than "Me and Lee," this song has DRUMS and (glitter) GUITAR and probably BASS in addition to the much-rumored "fade-out." It's kind of like mid-'60s surf rock, but recorded on a Mac. The song begs to be put on repeat, and it's hard not to unplug your headphones and get up and DANCE when you listen to it! It's difficult for me to grasp the exact meaning of the lyrics, but I'm fairly certain it may have something to do with vampires.

But which song is better? Well, Haunted Head writes about things I understand, but The Northridge Rangers have a fade-out. It's a close race, but the winner is going to have to be...THE NORTHRIDGE RANGERS! Acoustic numbers are nice and all, but something about mad solos and rhythm sections really turns me on! May I suggest a battle of the bands? I think that's the only way to settle this quandary once and for all!

Janice is a Ho

Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus was arrested last night after appearing on "The Tonight Show." Yeah, yeah, it was for guns and cocaine, but people don't get arrested after doing Letterman, do they? No sir. Let's hope Mr. Broadus has learned a lesson as far as future television shows are concerned.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Russian spy poisoned DEAD!

Vaginas

As you may know, Britney Spears, America's favorite former Mousekeeter, has been flashing her naked vagina all over town. I've thought long and hard (at least 2 minutes) about whether or not to post anything about it, but in the end, I decided not to. Why?

All vagina photos are intentional, blatant cries for attention.

Now, I did do previous entries about Lindsay Lohan's vagina, but that was mostly because hers looks a bit odd. I hereby state that I will no longer participate in the posting of celebrity vagina pictures, unless it's a really really good one from Betty White.

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number XV

Mike Rowe

This choice is a bit out of the ordinary for me. Mike Rowe is the All-American host of "Dirty Jobs" on The Discovery Channel, but he also possesses the voice of a god and the handsome, rugged face of a long-lost hometown hero. I guess he makes me think, sometimes. I have to watch The Discovery Channel for him, so it counts.

Question...

Is Jason Lee hot?

Nicole Kidman's Face, Part 2

Look bitch, you were in To Die For which pretty much gives you a pass for the rest of your life as far as I'm concerned, but if you keep up this "crappy bangs covering facelift stitches" look, I'm going to have to reassess your place in my "Favorite Films" library. Don't make me do that.

Give Me Money

Check out what Christie's is auctioning:

A page taken from Britney Spears' junior high school notebook containing her handwritten review of Rex Warner's translation of Sophocles' story Antigone, written in black ballpoint pen on either side of the page, Britney's review annotated by her teacher with corrections to her spelling and comments including ...Nice cover Organized Watch your spelling... and Write more neatly and her grade: 88; and a corresponding piece of yellow card decorated with the book's title Antigone in black felt pen -- 12x9in.

My shitty public school didn't get to Antigone until I was in the 10th grade! Britney Spears had a better education than I did!

Soap Operas are Great

I don't watch soap operas, but if I did, I might watch "All My Children" because they're going to have a transgendered character (to be called Zarf!) which is awesome mostly because people think this is like, a huge step forward in acceptance of transgendered people (which technically it is), but it's also happening on the same soap opera that I believe had a weather machine at one point. Well, at least it's not the soap opera that had a rape victim marry her attacker.

Rumor Has It...

Josh Holloway, Sawyer on "Lost," may, perhaps possibly even, star in a new X-Men movie as Gambit.

Now, three thoughts float through my head at this prospect.

1. This sucks; if he films a movie, it's likely Sawyer will be killed off!

2. This is awesome; I watched the cartoon and Gambit was always my favorite, and only Josh Holloway could play that character!

3. Oh man, another X-Men movie? Four is too many! It's going to bomb! Don't do it Josh, stay humble and televised!

Also, if it happens, there will be no Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, or Ian McKellen. Do you have any opinions on this rumor?

Pierce Brosnan's Desperation

Were you - wait, was anyone aware of the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel in the works? Maybe it's because I'm not a big-shot Hollywood producer, but I honestly don't understand the need to make sequels to films that are over 10 years old.

So far Robin Williams and Pierce Brosnan are the only two actors listed in the credits on IMDb. Here's hoping Sally Field can take time off from filming her osteoporosis commercials and make sure this giant ball of suck is as poorly executed on film as it is in premise.

Daniel Craig's Face

I thought Casino Royale was a great film. It was smart(ish) and sexy, and this is coming from a bitch who'd rather watch Jane Austen adaptations or "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" than almost anything, so you know it's good.

I do have one teensy problem though - Daniel Craig.

It's not that he's blonde. I don't care. It's not that he's a bad actor, because he's not at all. He's pretty great. It's the fact that men and women worldwide are creaming themselves over him when he is very clearly fug.


I mean honestly. Look at his face. Just try.

You know, I'm in fact kind of paying him a compliment because I loved the movie so much. He was so cool and awesome, I totally forgot that his nasty shovel face was towering 20 feet high over me for 2 1/2 hours.

Many handsome actors are never allowed to play anything other than "sexy," no matter how talented they are. Luckily Craig is really talented and ugly, so he's probably got a huge career of box office gold and weighty Oscar roles ahead of him.

Nicole Kidman's Face

You can actually see the 40-something face battle the botox and eyebrows in this picture!

Things I Missed

Two weeks is a long, long time to be gone from the World of Trash. Here's some already-old news I missed hilariously commenting on:

• The end of Reese and Ryan (Philaspoon?)
• Kramer is a racist and possibly a Freemason
• Britney and Paris are friends again
• Tom and Katie are married in Italy, though not really married because I'm pretty sure Italy (and Trashley) doesn't count Scientology as a religion; Oprah not invited
• Millions of idiots watched a football guy beat A.C. Slater on "Dancing With The Stars"
• Casino Royale rules me - and the Queen!
• And speaking of royals - Prince Harry slowly becoming hotter than Prince William
• Kelly Ripa faux-"outs" Clay Aiken and Rosie is pissed? I'm not quite sure, but I do know I loathe Kelly Ripa and her clownface.
• There is no Britney/Kevin sex tape - a nation mourns
• Robert Altman dies - Lindsay Lohan kind of bummed
• O.J. Simpson still a murderer

How busy we've been! Did I miss anything?

Back...ish

I'm all alone now, just in time for finals. Updates should resume in full tomorrow, and be sure to keep an eye out for a tag-team project that's about to go down with Wasted-Off-Butter.

Time, space, and taste will be compromised in full by the time we're done.

Jolly Holiday

So I'm being super-awesome the next couple of weeks and spending all my time with a good-looking British dude (you know you jealous), and internet access is next to nil.

Deal with it.

As a celebration of all things English, here's some Mary Poppins with the world's most famous Brit, Dick van Dyke.

Kick ASS!

You can run over to eBay and buy me Marty McFly's hoverboard. God willing, I will someday live in a world when such devices actually hover.

I Hate Natalie Portman

It's not enough for this girl to actually date Gael Garcia Bernal, so now there are random hookups. Not fair, Nat. Not fair at all.

Trashley Responds to Criticism!

So it's almost 7 am, and I check my e-mail to find the following comment posted on an entry I wrote months ago:

Its a shame you buy into crap like him. He's a fat criminal bastard who hopefully will rot in hell. You seemed cool until i read this shit about Kayne, he has you fooled, but he couldnt fool the judges, or me.

Goodness. After doing a simple bit of sleuthing, I find that this reader left the comment around 3 in the morning, is relatively close to where Kayne (and I) grew up, and found my blog after doing a Google search for it.

Clearly, and I mean clearly, this is a bitter ex. Know why? I don't see the word "fag" anywhere, that's why. Anyone who spends their time looking up blog writings about a local-ish reality TV contestant whose actual television appearances ended a month or two prior has got to be bitter about something. Considering the hatred in the the comment and the location, all I have to say is this:

1. I am cool. Cooler than everyone and
2. Please return and share your Kayne stories with the world. So much hate can only come from former love.

Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me

This is the most evil commerical ever.

Shoes! Sluts! Cities! Love?

Chubby college girls all across America are really excited right now...the "Sex in the City" movie is finally going to happen!

Full disclosure: I've seen maybe 10 episodes total, and actually enjoyed only one or two. I never really understood why it became such a big fucking pop-cultural deal and was more than happy when it went away.

The only good things to come from "Sex in the City" are the pictures of Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend. She must seriously love her.

Woah

Ed Bradley used to be really awesome.

Seen Borat?

Well, two of the frat boys who reminisced about the good old days of slavery and discussed various ways in which bitches ain't shit are ready to sue sue sue because, for some strange reason unbeknownst to me, they think the film made them look like idiots.

I don't care if it's a setup. Just because you thought the film was not going to be shown in the United States, you thought it was a good idea to say the things you did? I have no sympathy for you, nameless fat South Carolina frat boys. You agreed to be filmed because you wanted to be in a movie. Now you are. Just because you're dumbfucks who are having second thoughts about your desire for 15 minutes of fame doesn't mean you can blame your actions on anyone other than yourselves.

Boo-Hoo

Go ahead and cancel that Christmas trip to New York City, because it looks like the Bob Dylan Broadway musical is going to close.

Really, how can his songs not translate well onto stage? Sure, he may not be as fun as ABBA, as gay as Queen, or drunk as Billy Joel, but surely the man who is regarded as one of America's best songwriters deserves the right to sell out in his twilight years!

Shame on you, musical theatre-going public! Must all your loves be about orphans or Disney films?

Trashley Reassesses Priorities!

Lindsay Lohan straight-up rejected someone I know I would drunkenly make out with.

I don't quite know how to feel about myself right now.

Robbie Williams is seriously not that bad. It's not like he's a Carter brother or anything, Lindsay. Jeez.

Hey!

When did Steven Weber get so funny looking? He used to be kind of okay. Is it the angle? The suit? Way to give me another reason to not watch "Studio 60."

Not the Jesus One, Not the Rich One

Did you know there was a Daniel Baldwin?

Anyway, he got arrested. Whatever.

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number XIV

Rufus Sewell

To be fair, I'm not sure how much "thinking" I put into this decision. I watched A Knight's Tale a few weeks ago and really liked him, and my viewing of Tristan and Isolde last night made me love him. From what I understand, he's done some Shakespeare and stuff, so I guess that means he's clever. Or at least literate. Certainly brooding. Absolutely handsome.

Blackberry Sorrow

K-Fed reacts on-camara when he learned of his divorce via-Blackberry. In-Canada.

Best part of the video? The girl in red at the :30 second mark reacting to Kevin's statement about missing his children.

Question...

Is David Hyde Pierce hot?

I mean, surely not. But maybe a little.

Are You Ready For Some Disappointment?!

Michael Jackson is supposed to perform "Thriller" in a comeback show.

Yeah, good luck with that. There's nothing quite like a near 50-year-old man who looks like, well, it's too easy at this point. The moral of the story is it will be the saddest thing the world has ever seen, if it actually happens. It's kind of like that guy who was super-awesome in high school reminiscing about just how cool he was, only now he's got a bad case of methmouth and is living with his stepmom. Oh, plus child molesting.

Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night

Delicious quotes from Kevin Earl Federline.

"My shoes -- my kick game is ridiculous." Salon, 2006

"Last book I read was either -- man, somebody just asked me this shit today -- it was either Russell Simmons' or Puffy's book." Salon, 2006

"What you hear about in all those bullshit-ass magazines is bullshit." Details, 2005

"I didn't really do the whole high school thing." Entertainment Weekly, 2006

On the "A-Team" member he most identifies with:

"Murdoch. He was kind of like the brains." EW, 2006

"If I'm eating teriyaki chicken, I still put salsa over it. " EW, 2006

"Holla at ya damn self!" MySpace blog entry, 2006

"I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty -- want to know where I go when I’m your city?" "Popozão," 2oo6

Oh Yes

Looks like I got the tubes back just in time...Britney has finally filed for divorce!

I'm ready for a comeback. Seriously. You know there's going to be some killer ballads to come out of this.

Of cousre, I'm going to miss K-Fed. I'm sure it'll be a while before he disappears completely, though. We've still got record promotion to deal with, plus a show review or two. It's just a shame he won't have the money to help him out.

Is it wrong that the private troubles of a former teen pop star make me so, so happy?

The Bitch is Back

Wet yourselves.

Well Well

Turns out the recent problems have naught to do with the tubes and everything to do with my computer.

While Ol' Shitty is in the shop, why don't you guys post some of your favo(u)rite celebrity/Trashy/slutty stories of the past week? I need to catch up.

Sorry Kids

Still dealing with internet connectivity issues.

Luckily for you I care enough to go to a library and write this little message and throw another video up.



I think Loggins is kind of hot.