Useless People III

Rachel Fucking Ray

Jesus

Christ.

I know Aretha Frankin is, shall we say, a "big girl," but I had no idea her girls were quite so big.

Optimus Who?

I don't understand all the nerdy excitement about the "Transformers" movie. I never even watched the show, and the only reason it and Ninja Turtles and Care Bears and the like are popular again is because our generation is starting to get a bit of disposable income, and the best way to rob us blind is to tug on the old nostalgia heartstrings.

It's been like this since the '70s, when people started to get stupid and reminisce about the toys, movies, and music of their childhood because the actual memories of friends and family are, in most cases, traumatic. Think "Happy Days." Think Reality Bites. Now think "Transformers" movie. It's the exact same thing.

Suckers.

Ricky Gervais, Watch Out!

Courtney Love is currently fucking British comedian Russell Brand, who I guess is kind of hot if you're drunk. She used to fuck Steve Coogan, who is not hot at all.

Dont' get me wrong, I totally understand the Brit infatuation, but like, is this really the best she could do? I'm sure there's all kinds of dirty skinny British musicians who'd love to get a piece, unless I missed the whole "comedians are the new rock stars" memo or something.

Easily Impressed

You know, I've had kind of a weird crush on Jeremy Piven ever since I saw him in an ascot. I kind of want us to get together to see if I could best in a smarming contest. I'm betting he would utterly crush me.

Isn't he supposed to be really pervy or gay or something? Fuck it. If the hair plugs can't stop me, I can't think of what would.

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number X

Jeremy Irons

Still hot. Even now.

Katie Couric = Fat

Damn. I need a retoucher shed about 10 pounds off of me, too. Shame he didn't do anything about the suit, though.

A Public Affair

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer? That's supposedly the deal.

I really don't care, it's not as if I need another reason to dislike (I mean hate) John Mayer. Or Jessica Simpson. I had always heard "Your Body is a Wonderland" was written about Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jessica's hotter, I think, and a better actress.

So. Yeah. Whatever.

That's Enough Whipping For Now...

Simpsons movie clips pirated by comic book nerds or something, whatever.

Here and
here.

You're welcome.

Wait For It...

I tend to avoid writing about "real" news, though I couldn't help but like this story: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to debate President Bush on live TV. Pretty funny idea, right? Clearly it's not going to happen, but...

Though I have no doubt Ahmadinejad is crazy (Holocaust denial and probable hostage-taking are pretty good indicators), I also happen to think he's crazy hot. He's just a good-looking man, straight up, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I wish the debate would happen so I could sit in front of the television and swoon, just like our grandmothers did during that Kennedy v. Nixon debate in the olden days.

Yeah, I just compared Ahmadinejad to JFK. But I mean in terms of hotness. I can't be alone in this.

Ugly TV Moms VIII

Paul Buchman

Simon Fuller is a Liar

Looks like Vicky B. is getting her very own television show here in the U.S. Simon Fuller is in charge of the whole thing, and he said:

"It won't be a TV show for the sake of a TV show. It will be a fashion proposition that will fit her fashion business."

Um, sure dude. Like I really want super-posh Vicky B. telling me I'm fat and need to wear more animal prints. 20 bucks says if it ever makes it to the air, it'll be on the TV Guide Channel.

Nothing Means Anything Anymore

I can handle losing Pluto. It was always kind of a loser planet, too far out to really make an impact on my life. Besides, space exploration is relatively new for humanity, so I'm willing to give scientists a little wiggle room. However, I've recently learned there is a new ocean - the Southern Ocean.

I'm greatly disturbed by this for some reason. Five oceans? I just...I don't know what to believe in right now. Humans have been seafaring for a fair few centuries by this point, but I guess it was foolish of me to assume something like an ocean could go unnoticed.

Greenland will be a continent before you know it.

Not Christopher Reeve

Matthew Broderick recently broke his collarbone when he fell off of a horse.

There's a Sarah Jessica Parker joke to make here, but my heart just isn't in it.

Useless People II

Fergie.

Opinions! On the Emmys!

• Jeremy Piven going off on Billy Bush was hi-larious
• Conan is Conan and therefore was awesome
• I really don't care about the winners
• In fact, I had intended to boycott since Hugh Laurie wasn't even nominated
• And neither was anyone from "Lost"
• I'm just happy "Everybody Loves Raymond" is off the air
• Of course, "Two and a Half Men" is still on and "Arrested Development" isn't, so whatever
• Fuck "The Amazing Race," "Project Runway" was robbed
• I have crushes of varying degrees on Stewart, Colbert, and Carrell
• I'm glad "Grey's Anatomy" didn't win anything, I hate Ellen Pomeranian
• Get your righteous indignation ready, there was a briefly exposed nipple

Gettin' Paid is a Forté

Elton John wants to make a hip-hop record. He says,

"It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you don't know until you try."

Well, I'm pretty sure everyone else thinks it's going to be a disaster, but there you go. The headline for this entry comes from "No Diggity" by Blackstreet, which is an influence he would like to emulate. Really, the man is cutting-edge.

Battle Royale

All people everywhere can be described in one of two ways: either you're a "Law & Order" person, or a "CSI" person. I've always fallen into the "Law & Order" category, and though it's not as flashy or popular as that other crime drama, I at last feel vindicated.

Kevin Federline is going to guest star on "CSI."

Friendly Reminder II

Jennifer Tilly was nominated for an Academy Award.

Shut Up

If Taylor Hicks is suing to keep songs he recorded (and wrote all by himself) from being released, that can only mean they must really be shitty. If he's proud of his work on "American Idol," I can't even begin to imagine how bad these must be.

Of course, I'm biased. I think Taylor Hicks can pretty much choke on a dick and die.

Lame

I wouldn't go so far to say I'm a Keith Richards fan - he's basically the Pete Doherty of his day. However, I feel sometimes the man is a scapegoat for the most ridiculous things - why, read the article I found this morning on CNN.com. Unsurprisingly, I'm not too keen on smoking bans to begin with, but I'm not sure what makes me more angry - the fact that the complaint comes from the idea that he was smoking at a performance - his own, or it was journalists that tattle-taled to the Glasgow City Council. Having received a C in a media law class, I can say with no authority (but a real good hunch) it seems like that would violate some kind of journalistic ethic or something.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. You know, I know, the journalists know, the city council knows, the audience knows this story is a total non-story. Let the baby have his bottle. Be happy he wasn't giving coke to kids in rehab, okay? Christ.

Huh?

Why is former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Chris Kattan hugging Britney Spears? Though it's likely they just ran into each other on the street, I propose starting an elaborate, far-fetched rumor stating Brit will write some new, original songs for Mango: The Movie. Spread the word. They're BFF now.

The Sweatpant of Shoes

Crocs. I don't know where they came from or why they're still here, but I want them to go away. There have been many dubious fashions to come and go over the years, but I have yet to find any article of clothing more clunky, more offensive, or more tasteless than this sad example of a "shoe."

"Oh, but they're so comfortable!" the unfortunate cry, "Why, they hardly feel like I'm wearing shoes at all!"

Guess what? I don't care. They're ugly, and they make you look lazy. House slippers are comfortable too, and so are sweatpants, or oversized t-shirts - yet normal human beings who possess the concept of "shame" would never be caught dead walking around in public wearing them. I may be in severe pain at the end of the day and suffer irreversible nerve damage, but fuck it if I don't look good in my pointy-toed high heels. I'd rather have compliments than comfort.

Next time you see a person wearing them, please make sure to do as I do - point and laugh. Until everyone learns to be ashamed of themselves, I'm going to have to continue to look at this ugly-ass rubber rainbow of wrong indefinitely.

An Open Letter to Jared Leto

Jared,

You're 34 fucking years old. If you really want to bang teenagers, just remind them of "My So-Called Life."

Wait, nevermind. I guess keep the haircut. It hides the crow's-feet fairly well.

The crocs are another issue altogether.

Yours,
Trashley

Flashback!

Best season ever? Absolutely. As much as I initially hated Santino, he gave us many laughs; many good times.

Friendly Reminder I

Juliette Lewis used to date Brad Pitt.

Missing the Point

Look, it's not the fact that K-Fed was bragging about his "amazing-ass" scores on the GED - it's the fact that he seems to have made $2 million from "Chaotic" and now has almost nothing.

$2,000,000.

From "Chaotic."

I'm pretty sure there were only six episodes, and I'm almost certain no one watched it. It was also on UPN, which isn't even a network anymore. I need my own reality show ASAP. I swear, I won't even try to cut an album after it's over. It'll be Janice Dickinson-esqe, about me trying to start up my own mom-and-pop adult entertainment company, and it'll be called "Trashley Presents: Vanilla Kink."

I'm calling Bravo tomorrow.

Sufjan Stevens

Is there something I'm missing? I for reals don't get it.

Question...

Is John Leguizamo hot? I'm thinking yes, especially since I've learned he's old enough to be my father and still looks that good. So what if I only decided to look him up after watching To Wong Foo: Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar?

Sure, Kid

I pride myself on keeping this space a Paris-free zone, but I really did have to share this:

Paris Hilton on Ricky Gervais after he turned down her offer to appear on his show "Extras," which has seen appearances by Ben Stiller, Samuel L. Jackson and Kate Winslet in the past: "I guess he's obviously scared of starring alongside an A-lister."

Jeffrey Sucks

Oh, "Project Runway." I don't know what to feel about this episode. While I love watching designers freak out, I did not sign up hours of my life to be treated to "Project Lane Bryant." Clever, though, making the fat people their mothers and sisters so they couldn't bitch about it. Very manipulative.

However, I love this show because of the crazy-ass challenges. Purple wedding dresses, inspiration from some dirty rocks, stuff like that. It's what makes your show great. No one gives a fuck about the everyday woman because they're boring to dress. If anyone really did care, would it be a surprise the best two designs were for, let's say, the two non-fatties? Shocker shocker.

But Jeffrey - let's cut it out now, shall we? There's no reason to be that big of a prick. I know you hate her daughter and all (who is, on occasion, crazy), but Angela's mom didn't do anything dubious at all, and you freak out for no reason. When you start to make Vincent sound like a reasonable person, there are serious issues that need to be addressed. Also, you should have been eliminated. While Robert's was basically not a design at all, yours was a smock over a dickie. I mean, seriously. What is that?

Lost Promo Poster

Wow, I always forget the show has so few female leads. But anyway, Locke and Eko are on there so they're not dead. Desmond has been added, as has "Henry." I'm seeing way too much of Charlie's forehead. This shit needs to hurry up.

Racist!

"Survivor" is supposed to split up this season's cast into four different tribes - based on race! Awesome! I've never watched the show, and I'm not going to start, unless the Asians do math all day, the black team plays basketball, the Latino team tidies up the jungle, and the white team builds a jail to hold the other tribes. That's just quality TV.

PS - Where are the Arabs? You afraid of them, CBS?

Let's Play a Game!

Pretend you're Lorne Michaels, and get to fire four "Saturday Night Live" cast members! Who would you choose, or are you currently like the rest of America and really don't care?

Anyway, here's the list:

Fred Armisen
Will Forte
Bill Hader
Darrell Hammond
Seth Meyers
Finesse Mitchell
Chris Parnell
Amy Poehler
Maya Rudolph
Andy Samberg
Horatio Sanz
Jason Sudeikis
Keenan Thompson
Kristen Wiig

Alls I know is this: Andy Samberg is hot, and Darrell Hammond has been on the show since the first Clinton administration. I also used to watch "Keenan and Kel."

Hey Brits!

Jesse Metcalf says you guys are lazy and ugly, and that British guys don't work out.

That last statement is probably true, since I'm willing to bet he's been hitting a lot of gyms to work out and stuff. Just look at those pecs, and eyebrows. And chains. He likes gyms, and the men who frequent them. I've also never seen a fat American in my life - if we are known for anything around the world, it's our stunning physiques.

I hate this douche.

Useless People I

Nancy Grace

Are You Smoking Yet?

Some loser crybaby in Britain complained about cigarettes in episodes of "Tom & Jerry", so now Turner Broadcasting is going through all those cartoons to cut out any glamorized images of smoking. Which is all of them. Just watch your now-uncool baby try to fly from the top of the bookshelf or hit his sister in the head with a frying pan. Violence is not cool. Smoking is.

What offended the lady, specifically?

In the first, “Texas Tom”, the hapless cat Tom tries to impress a feline female by rolling a cigarette, lighting it and smoking it with one hand.

Guess what? That's all kinds of cool. It would impress the fuck out of me, doing all that with one hand. It's like, "Hm, what else is that dexterity good for?" In America, I've only ever met one person who rolls their own cigarettes, and guess what? He's the really good-looking singer of a really good band. I say smoke away, Tom.

In the second, “Tennis Chumps”, Tom’s opponent in a match smokes a large cigar.

Bad guys smoke cigars. It's common knowledge. The only non-bad guy I've ever seen on television smoke a cigar is Elaine on that one episode of "Seinfeld" where she's the boss of J. Peterman, and she was only smoking it get into the character of a ruthless executive. You don't even inhale cigar smoke, so it's like, almost healthier!

They've been censoring cartoons for years now, from cutting naughty images early to just not airing some entirely. Most of the censored cartoons aren't that way because they're super-cool, or ultra-violent, it's because they're fucking racist. I can specifically remember watching "Tom & Jerry" cartoons in my youth, and Tom was owned by a fat, black, faceless Mammy character - and this was in the mid-to-late-'80s.

That's not cool.

Though sometimes it may seem I have chosen to devote my life to television, it's not true. There are dozens of shows that are very popular, cricitcally adored, and overall just considered "good" that I've never botherd to get into. "24" is one such show.

However, it looks like that's going to change. Kal Penn (known to you potheads as Kumar) is joining the cast in a recurring role according to Yahoo! news. Oh, by the way Yahoo! news, that second paragraph is awkward. Someone needs a proofreader.

But anyway, since Kal Penn is fucking hot, I'm going to watch the show, at least until Harold and Kumar Go to Amesterdam is out.

"Lose Control"

Ugly TV Moms VII

Grace Kelly

No, seriously, she named her character "Grace Kelly." Nice try, Brett, you're still fug. And an alcoholic. Ha!

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number IX

Ben Schott.

Yes, the Ben Schott, of miscellaneous fame. He makes me feel clever.

Question...

Is Jeff Goldblum hot? Not '80s Jeff Goldblum of course, we're disregarding that decade entirely. Oh, and '70s Goldblum. And most of the '90s. Okay, specifically, is 50-something pseudo-hipster pervert Jeff Goldblum hot? I think yes, but I still feel really dirty about it.

UFC = GAY

What is up with this Ultimate Fighting? Is it the new boxing, or the new XFL? I'm not at all a sports fan (unless we're talking about hot Italian soccer) and I really don't get it. I understand the concept of "the more violent, the better," but it just all seems so massively homoerotic. I can't watch it for too long because of all the blood, but it only takes about a minute before they get sweaty and throw each other in 69 positions in order to make the opponent submit. Plus you have to pay to watch it.

I'm just saying it's gay porn, that's all.

I dare you to prove otherwise.

Whatever Happened To...

Cheri Oteri? Seriously. Unless your name rhymes with "Fill Werrell" or "Mill Burray," it's pretty much going to be a bad idea to leave SNL and attempt to make films. Especially if you're not funny and unattractive.

No Mofo Home

It's been a really slow week for trash, and I feel bad I haven't had much to share. Just for the hell of it, here are two of my favorite men briging the funny.

Not News

Pete Doherty was arrested again a few days ago, surprise surprise. I don't see why it's even reported anymore. My unoffical count is at least 432 arrests in the past 2 years for this boy. It won't even be news when he dies.

Because You Are Deserving

Borat is pretty much my only reason for living right now.

Embedding Disabled By Request

Alison is no longer on "Project Runway," and the world is a sadder place for it. Guess who's still in the running, though? Crazy-ass Vincent, who seriously needs to be medicated.

Last night, he said of his design, "It really turns me on, it reminds me of...of a child's drawing."

Dude murdered JonBenet, straight up.

Suicide

Everyone,

I never wanted to hurt anyone and I'm sorry it has to be like this, but I really feel like I don't have a choice. Please don't think it's stupid to kill myself over "Project Runway," because it's not. This show really means a lot to me, and the fact that they could so blatantly disregard taste, integrity, and style truly gives me no reason to live. Alison can't be gone. She...she just can't.

I love you.
I'm sorry.

Ben.

Jonathan Rhys-Meyers

So he's gay, right?

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number VIII

New-ish "Daily Show" correspondent John Oliver - who are you and when shall we be married?

That's Just Weird

Almost Famous and Hard to Handle are separated or divorcing or something, whatever, I don't care. What I do care about is their son. Yeah, that's a little boy. There's nothing wrong with long hair on a boy, but there is a line, and that line is called chin-length. Cut it, and now; he looks like a little girl. Damn stupid baby with hair longer than mine. I bet they're the kind of parents that want to make a statement about gender conditioning and all that kind of hippie bullshit. I'm glad they're splitting up. You know Kurt Russell is not down with this.

I Hate ABC

Who actually watches "Dancing With the Stars?" Clearly I love a good bit of fluff now and then, but the appeal for this totally escapes me. Anyway, for those who care to read on, here's the list of hot-ass "stars" humiliating themselves this fall.

Tucker Carlson (douche)
Jerry Springer (why the hell not?)
Emmitt Smith (For a second it said "Elliott Smith" and I became sad)
Shanna Moakler (I have no idea who this is)
Mario Lopez (I hope he takes it)
Joe Lawrence (aka Joey Lawrence)
Harry Hamlin (only thing inside Lisa Rinna that is not plastic)
Vivica A. Fox (fall from C-List grace)
Willa Ford (I think she used to date a Backstreet Boy)
Sara Evans (some country music singer)
Monique Coleman ("High School Musical?" I am now old)

So yeah, I can't even begin to give a damn.

Oh, To Be A Royal

It's not Harry's grope I love so much, it's William in the background, eyes half-closed, probably slurring out some ass-grab Eton story to a woman far, far prettier than the one Harry's got ahold of. But it's not just the brothers who are rowdy, their uncle (4th in line) has decided to make a fool of himself, too! Page Six says:

Prince Andrew seems to be taking his cue from Monaco's rowdy Prince Albert these days. Channeling the "Randy Andy" days of his youth, the British royal was spotted in Sardinia Saturday night "literally swinging from the rafters in the VIP area of the club Billionaire next to Zac Posen and Anna Anisimova," our witness e-mails. Andrew "seemed to really hit it off with one blond girl in particular," says our spy. Some there caught Andrew's antics on cellphone cameras, so we might soon see the rafter revelry for ourselves.

Good times.

Edit: I'm now learning this picture is 3 years old. It's still funny.

Relationship Retreat!

Dr. Phil's whitehat son somehow managed to marry the ugliest former Playmate in the world - and that's counting all the really hairy girls from the '70s. It seems at the reception they ate tiny cheeseburgers and fries. And Larry King was there. And Dr. Phil said girls are jealous of his new daughter-in-law. But you knew it was going to be a classy affair as soon as I mentioned the Doctor, didn't you?

PS - Gay.

"SexyBack"

I think I like it, though I can't help but worry it's only because Justin convinced me I would. He's very persuasive.

Golden Globes Aren't Real Awards

Madonna has now given up making films entirely, after only 10 or so horrible movies. I wish I had a career that allowed me to vaguely blame all of my failures on the media, instead of actually forcing myself to realise, just for a moment, that I'm not perfect.

Made of Trash - Enabling Stalkers Since 2006

A while ago I posted about the cute boy Paris and Nicole lived with on the most recent "Simple Life." Within the past day, four separate searches conducted in different US cities about this young man have led users here. Why, with the right set of words, I'm number 3 on Google. His MySpace profile is now set to private. I hope it's not my fault. Sorry dude.

Best Idea...Ever?

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are back together again. You know when the man gets implants to make a horrible relationship work, it's love.

No Thanks

I love a good gangbang like any American girl, but the thought of Macualy Culkin in a movie about group sex gives me the heebie-jeebies for some reason. I'm almost certain it's because he looks like a total creep.

Kieran Culkin, on the other hand...I'd probably let him have a go.

I feel gross.