The Most Important 15 Seconds of Your Life

Will be spent looking over these Then and Now pictures of the lesser child actors from "Full House."

Wait until you see Derek (kid on the left). So, so obvious.

The great debate: Where is Gibbler?

Fasten Your Seatbelts...

The greatest talent of my generation, Kristen Cavallari, is set to star in a remake of the previous generation's greatest film, Revenge of the Nerds. No word yet if Ted McGinley will cameo as Coach Harris.

Trashley Illustrates A Current Event!

Naomi Skips Court.

ANTM

I want to say something really funny and profound about last night's "America's Next Top Model," but I don't know if I can. Why? I get really confused as to which bitch is which. I refuse to learn any of their names until they cut the finalists down to at least 7.

Anyway, last night was the always fabulous "haircutting!" episode, and of course there were tears shed, mostly from Jay Manuel. Then there was something about Queen Latifah selling Cover Girl prodcuts (full disclosure: I love the Professional All-in-One mascara) during a lame-ass elevator challenge, which made me kind of sad 'cause I have not had any naked elevator time in my life. I should work on checking that one off the list.

Then there was phone drama between Sassy Black Woman and Everyone Else. Bitches tore it up like it was an episode of "Flavor of Love," for reals. I thought they were gonna throw punches.

After that there was a stupid challenge, and the eliminated girl was Kyle the lesbian from like 3 cycles ago. So basically nothing happened.

Does anyone else find Nigel Barker totally boneable? I sure do.

Vitas?

Buh?

Some Australian politician named Mark Latham just wrote a book called A Conga Line of Suckholes, which is probably the most insane thing I've ever heard in my life.

Here's the problem: I'm trying to be a good little fake journalist and check my sources to see what the book is actually about, but it seems I've hit a brick wall. It's either a book of quotations, or an anti-gay tirade.

What if it's both?

I Know It's Wrong

But I am a huge fan of this American Apparel ad. As long as the exploitation runs both ways, I don't think I can take issue with it. Dude is pretty hot, in an Adrian Brody-esque kind of way.

You Know...

If I had any idea who Terrell Owens was, I'm sure his suicide attempt would devestate me.

Or not. Whatever.

I'm trying to get into football. And by football I mean soccer. Those guys are the hottest of all athletes.

He Said/He Said

Who oh who could be Anna Nicole's babydaddy? Howard (K.) Stern went on Larry King Live last night and said it was him, but some other guy insists that he is the father!

Well, you can guess my thoughts...once Anna Nicole is done grieving her poor dead son, take this shit to Maury Povich! He will straighten it all out.

Please Be Untrue

Usually when I hear a strange or disgusting rumor, I want it to be true. Actually, I not only want it to be true, but I want to find out as much about it as I can. Purchase the tape, if need be. This, however, is something that needs to be false.

Rumor is there's a Screech "Dustin Diamond" Powers sex tape floating around out there. A sex tape with two ladies. A sex tape featuring the dirty Sanchez.

Um, seriously? That's what makes me think it's false. No one actually does that, do they?

Classy Squared

Paris Hilton sells wine. Wine in a can.

Fashion + Porn = Awesome

If I didn't have to shop at Target, I would totally shop at Marc Jacobs.

There are, of course, pictures of questionable taste at that link, so maybe you don't want to check them out at your workplace, especially if you're a nurse, research scientist, or counselor at a rehab facility. Freelancers and authors are more than welcome to perv it up, of course. So are event organisers.

Pretend it's in English

Always Use Clean Needles

Steven Tyler has hepatitis C.

Probably herpes, too.

Most definitely brain damage.

Then there's the ugly. There's nothing you can do about that.

De-Licious

I was very disappointed with "Project Runway" this year...but this news made me feel a little bit better.

If he did in fact cheat, I demand that Bravo produce a show featuring Keith Michael doing cute things like sleeping, shopping, and buying presents for me.

I had to deal with a whole season of Jeffrey. That's just not fair.

Wow

It seems that John Mayer

A. Has a sense of humor and
B. Has more free time than even I do.

Here's a link to his blog (hear that, Leto?). It's actually pretty funny. I mean, I still hate him - just not so much anymore.

Robbie Willams Fact!

DMX: Victim or Liar?

Have you heard about this? A lady claims to be pregnant with DMX's baby, which is not good news for his wife. But guess what? DMX says the lady raped him, and now his missus is standing by her man.

I hate living in a society that tends to judge the victim, especially when it comes to sexual assult. If what he's saying is true, then that's a crime and the woman needs to go to jail.

The problem is I just don't believe him. It seems too convenient an excuse. Rape is about power, and I'm having a hard time picturing a celebrity - one with an aggressive persona - being the weakest link in this dynamic. But maybe I'm being sexist.

What do you think?

Please Be Honest

Does anyone find Renee Zellweger attractive? There's more to everyone that looks, of course, but geez. Surely there's a limit. I could write an essay on the wrongness of her lipstick in this picture.

Worst. Commercial. Ever.

Sexy Books

Penguin...damn!

I'm a fan of literature; I admire those who write and judge others by what they read. A quick peek at the cover of a stranger's book can tell me everything I need to know about them.

On the Road? You're either 16 or annoying.
Atlas Shrugged? You're either faking it or pretentious.
Pride and Prejudice? You're either a sad Anglophile or my new best friend. Probably both, in that case.

Penguin, where do you come into this? Well, I've known and loved you for years now. You're sturdy, dependable, affordable. Take a quick peek at my library if you need proof. But now, your familiar orange and black Classics collection has gone all slutty. As a lover of all things ridiculous, I couldn't be happier.

Check out that cover of de Sade - you know what you're getting! Whores! And The Jungle? That design is nasty! I love that you've gone totally out of your way to make reading (something that is sadly seen as dull) as filthy and fashionable as possible.

So thank you Penguin, for giving me a whole new opportunity to judge books by their covers. It's about time.

Survivor is Racist!

Tonight:

Hispanics are LAZY!
White people are BORING!
Asian guys are HOT!
Black people are THERE?

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Ahmadinejad goes to the UN!

Scariest Place on Earth

Michael Jackson wants to open a leprechaun theme park in Ireland, and it will probably be not be stereotypical in the least. In addition to the child molesting, I figure it'll be like a Lucky Charms commercial crossed with that episode of "Family Guy" where they go to the Irish History Museum that features sad drunkards beating their fertile Catholic wives.

Jared Leto Hates Me

He says:

“I think that blogs should die a sudden death. It’s just ridiculous. It’s like a playground for four-year-olds. People say and do things in the world of blgos that they would never do in real life, and I think it’s a false experience…The blog is yesterday’s parachute pants. It’s here now but it’s gone tomorrow.”

I'm sure Mr. Leto is right. Here today and gone tomorrow - blogs (you know, writing) will totally disappear long before his haircuts and makeup. And music. And Crocs.

I only hate you because I care, Jared. And I've got the mental capacity of at least a seven-year-old.

No Project Runway Today!

For the fourth week in a row, I've been busy doing something else awesome instead of watching the show. Last night I went to see the Borat movie and it was a mess. In a good way. Lines were crossed that I didn't even know existed. Seriously.

Highlights: Naked wrestling with a fat, fat man; hoping George Bush will drink the blood of all the men, women, and children in Iraq; frat boy philosophy; calling Alan Keyes a "genuine chocolateface;" and many, many more!

Hear Me Out...

I'll probably get a lot of (justified?) crap for championing Robbie Williams, but look at it this way: the man is not going to stop until he takes over America. He's been trying for almost a decade, and so far our brief flirtation with "Millennium" is the closest we've been, barring Jessica Simpson's abhorrent cover of "Angels."

Robbie is a showman. I admire that.

As for this new song, it's pretty good. If I told you guys it was Justin Timberlake you'd be all over it, so please give Robbie a chance.

Edit: I had a video up (for his new single "Lovelight"), but it's now been taken down. There's a lovely picture there instead. Sorry.

Reason For Living

There might be a Showgirls musical!

Mostly Jealous

Because her old look was so out-of-this-world slutty and disgusting, Christina Aguilera can now wear lingerie in public and look like a classy-ass lady. The girl is a genius.

Undermining the Sanctity of Marriage!

I don't know why those religious types hate the gays so much, when the deliciously insane Carter brothers work that talking-point nonstop.

Remember when Nick was engaged to Paris Hilton?

Now younger, somehow uglier brother Aaron is engaged to a Playmate after proposing onstage in Vegas.

The question is: Why was Aaron Carter onstage?

Nothing Happened Today.

I Dare You

This is Kevin Federline's album cover. I dare you to look into his eyes for a full 30 seconds and then tell me you're not fascinated by him.

Think about it - if you suddenly had all the time and money in the world to live out your dream - even if you're no good at it, would you go through with it? Probably not. You'd do what I would do - buy lots of booze and new clothes, and spend your days traveling the world looking for better booze and nicer clothes.

We all have fantasies and daydreams of being skilled at something we're not. Music, sports, writing, acting, it doesn't matter. Chances are you suck at it just as much as everyone else, and all the practice in the world isn't going to change it. Some talents people are just born with.

That's why I find Kevin so damn interesting. Sure, he's a loser who just spends his lady's hard-earned cash on pipe dreams, but his goddamned hubris has to be admired just a little bit. He's more than happy to humiliate himself in front of the world for no other reason than he believes in himself. I simply wouldn't have the balls to even try.

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number XII

Jarvis Cocker. I love him deeply, if not eternally.

Actually, three Pulp CDs were just reissuesd, and it would probably be in your best interest to buy them for me. I'm not a total music nerd (I don't even own a record player), but I do have serious love and respect for this band, and it's important to me they have as much money as possible.

Who Has the BestSpace?

It's a question my generation has dealt with for months now - years in a few cases. Is it Tila Tequila? That guy who's a drag queen? Maybe a random person you went to high school with whose page causes your computer to crash?

Sorry friends - the answer is Borat. I'm really happy they even have internet access in his great nation of Kazakhstan. His daughter-in-law is totally hot, too.

Survivor is Racist

In the name of Trash, I decided to watch my first-ever "Survivor" episode last night. It was hilarious - the racially divided teams ended up playing to stereotype. The Asian team won the challenge (solving a puzzle) and the black team lost, with the first cast-off being the proclaimed "leader" of the group.

Next week's preview - racist jokes? I hope so!

Kate Bosworth is Gross

Really gross.

Terrorists Always Win

At last, Osama can finally get a piece of that sweet, sweet Whitney love!

Seriously though, if you had to choose between Bobby Brown or Osama bin Laden, who would you prefer? Yeah, Osama is a horrible murderous psychopath, but he's not Bobby Brown, you know? Just saying.

MoT Correction

Remember when I called Nancy Grace "useless?" Well, I'd like to make a little revision. She's not totally useless - it seems as if she's really good at pushing people to suicide. Seriously. She's like the Dr. Kevorkian of the aughts.

Modern-Day Prophet?

Stephen Baldwin throws some wisdom down, Jesus-style:

"I represent the new breed of Christians, baby, that are gettin' ready to kick ass in the name of the Kingdom."

Praise Him!


Radar: So can you name the seven deadly sins?
SB: Dude, I'm totally clueless.

I wonder if Stephen ever tries to hang out with Kirk Cameron? I bet he does, and you know Kirk ain't having it.

Presses = Stopped

BREAKING NEWS: Some chick who made videos on YouTube I had never watched (or even heard of) is a fake because she's an actress and it was all some big experiment about art or something.

Someone on the internet lied? Color me shocked. This is perhaps the biggest non-story to break since the drama of That Girl Emily.

I hate memes. And Taylor Hicks.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Benedict XVI: Benny Goes Home

True Love

I have about 23 or 24 True Loves floating around in this great big world and one of them is Sacha Baron Cohen.

Kazakhstan is all upset about the Borat movie, no surprise. President Bush decided to use his time wisely and invite Kazak president Nursultan Nazarbayev to discuss the country's image (Daily Mail, yes, I know), since the most important thing our president can do right now is disucss a British comedian's movie that isn't even coming out until later this fall.

What does Borat have to say about all of this?

"In response to Mr. Ashykbayev's comments, I'd like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my Government's decision to sue this Jew.

"Since the 2003 Tuleyakiv reforms, Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world.

"Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats, and age of consent has been raised to eight years old."

The sad thing is, the character of Borat is a joke - no one really believes those things about Kazakhstan. The things he gets average Americans to say and do - well, we bring that upon ourselves. And that's the point.

Petra Nemcova

If you read the gossip magazines and blogs as much as I do, you're probably familiar with model Petra Nemcova. She's very pretty, is dating singer James Blunt, and goes to parties and charity events and whatnot.

Now, is it just me, or was she not famous until she almost died in the tsunami? Remember that? Her boyfriend at the time drowned, along with about 200,000 other people. I know she did some "Sports Illustrated" stuff before, but really, not dying was the best thing that happened to her career.

I do wish she had been dating James Blunt in 2004, though. I hate that guy.

OMG! Gay News! LOL!!

CNN Headline News anchor Thomas Roberts (who is not Anderson Cooper - I checked) came out at some kind of gay and lesbian journalist convention. Who even watches CNN Headline news? Not me, that's for sure. I hate even flipping past it, because sometimes Glenn Beck or Nancy Grace is on. I'd rather them not sully my screen. Did you know the host of the enternainment news part of Headline news is named A.J. Hammer? I bet he's gay, too.

Kevin Federline Has Four Children

That he knows about!

Ugly TV Moms IX

Hariette Winslow

Other September 11ths

• 1847 - "Oh! Susannah" first performed
• 1906 - Gandhi starts Non-Violence Movement
• 1921 - Fatty Arbuckle arrested for rape
• 1962 - The Beatles record "Love Me Do"
• 1977 - Ludacris born
• 1981 - "The Pee-Wee Herman Show" airs on HBO
• 2003 - John Ritter dies

Fergie? Meth?

It all makes so much sense now.

What?

Anna Nicole Smith's son died in the Bahamas, 3 days after she gave birth to a baby girl. That's pretty sad. And kind of weird. I hope he wasn't barbed by a stingray.

Project Runway - The Past Two Weeks

I've been way behind on my PR reviews the past couple of weeks for a couple of reasons - number one, I'm still kind of mad at the show over the dismissal of Keith and the auf'ing of Alison, not to mention the continued presence of Jeffery, possibly the biggest douche in the history of television (if for no other reason than his necktoo). Number two - I'm back in school and have actually been a really good girl so far and have been focusing a good deal of my time on actually like, studying and stuff. It's possibly the first time in my life television has not been my number one priority.

But to the show. Last week's flight to Paris was unexpected to the viewers, and tasted a little too much like "America's Next Top Model" to me, but it couldn't have been unexpected for the designers - they had to have known they were leaving the country at some point because they all had their passports. Do you think Kayne had a passport before he was on the show? Hells no, Bravo had to tell that hick to get one. Anyway, Angela annoyed the ever-lovin' crap out of me, but I was sad to see her go. Why? Well, even though her sense of "design" and "style" were very questionable, she was not a dickweek. Jeffrey is. I hate that guy.

The episode from last Wednesday - well, I still haven't seen it yet. I fell asleep at like 8 o'clock that night. I read that Vincent was kicked off and was pleased because he's crazy, but I don't know any of the details yet.

I cannot emphasise how much I depend on FourFour (where I "borrowed" the image from) and Television Without Pity for my "Project Runway" recaps and fixes. Please make your life a little bit better and go there first, you will never ever regret it.

Question...

Is Tony Shalhoub hot?

So Close...

So...

Nothting particlarly Trashy has happened today, so I guess I'll take this time to wish Johnathan Taylor Thomas a happy 25th birthday. I'll never forget your smiling face looking down on me from Heather Blue's locker. It was 1996, and we were all in love.

Friendly Reminder III

Dominique Swain exists.

Question...

Is Giovanni Ribisi hot?

The case for Yes:
That Thing You Do!
"My Name is Earl"
General cuteness that can sometimes seem hot

The case for No:
The Other Sister
"Friends"
Scientology

Okay, Bastards

Since apparantly you people (all 2 of you) have issue with my proclaming "American Idol" the most innovative reality show, I'd like to know what you think it is.

Rules:

• Cannot be a half-hour game show
• Must be the first of its kind
• Has influenced other programs (in premise or format)

And I don't want any smartasses to say "Pop Idol" as its totally understood they're one in the same.

If there is truly a good suggestion, I will apologise and revise the original post. I'm woman enough to admit when I'm wrong, it's just never happened before.

Comment away, fuckers.

Aiken Hearts the Handicapped

I didn't know there even was a President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilites, but it looks like Clay Aiken is, in his parlance, fixin' to be on it.

I think we can all see through this.

Clearly it's a vast right-wing conspiracy to have homosexuality re-classifed as a mental defect.

Musicals!

The American Film Institute (as far as I can tell, it exists only to rank things) listed the Top 25 Greatest Musicals of All Time.

Now, musicals are an entirely different kind of trash that I love. If you know anything about the genre, then you'll know why MGM has 8 of the 25. There are a few little nitpicky things (I prefer Cabaret to West Side Story, for instance) I have issues with, but there's one thing I don't understand...

Moulin fucking Rouge? Seriously? I think they just ran out of movies that happen to feature songs. How about Fiddler on the Roof? Hedwig and the Angry Inch? Holidy Inn, Oliver! Hell, I'd even accept Paint Your Wagon over Moulin Rouge. That movie should NOT COUNT.

And I won't even get started on Grease.

Made of...Awesome!

Many thanks to my friend Todd A for making my blog look a little less shitty. You should go and give him money.


Todd likes Shania Twain and gave me a DVD called The Girl Who Shagged Me. He's way trashy, too.

Smoke!

I've stated my indifference about Paris Hilton before, but I did have to read about her DUI. To be fair to the girl, she was at the limit which is understandable considering her weight, but the part of the story that was mentioned and then glossed right over is what fascinated me - her choice of cigarettes.

Parliament Lights.

Thoughts on "Flavor of Love"

Do you watch "Flavor of Love?" Wait, of course you do. I'm sure you also probably know the second season premiere gave VH1 the highest ratings they've ever had. But why? It's by no means the best ("Project Runway") or most innovative ("American Idol") reality show out there. The star power of Flavor Flav is non-existent - he is not a star, he is a character, one who fluttered back into pop culture consciousness with his stint on "The Surreal Life."

So why the success? You can see crazy bitches fight on "Maury" or "Cheaters," you can see competition over an unattractive man on "Next" or "Elimidate," and you can still (barely) get contestant personality fixes from "The Real World" and "Survivor."

"Flavor of Love" is brilliant because it claims to revere what it does not possess - the quality of reality, or "realness." The girls on the show backstab and bitchtalk and tattle-tale on one another in almost every episode, questioning the other's motivation for being on the show, as if anyone is there to win the affections of Flav. He has dismissed girls who have appeared on other reality shows, girls who have lied about pornographic pasts, and girls who cause "too much drama" in the "Flavor of Love" mansion.

Flav is not looking for a soulmate, he wants to be on TV. The girls are not looking for a fingerbang from Flavor fucking Flav, they want their 15 minutes on VH1 to expose their "real" careers: acting, modeling, comedy, whatever. The fact that there's even a pretense of reality that is so easy to see through is what makes the show entertaining. The girls aren't even allowed to use their real names until they're eliminated - Flav christens them with monikers like "Nibblz" and "Deelishis" in the very first episode.

All reality television is artifice, and most shows now take pride in the impossibility of the situations, creating drama through location, casting, or just plain old-fashioned writing. They give little more than a wink and a nod in the direction of "reality," but the quality of "realness" is fought for, screamed at, and punched in the face on "Flavor of Love."

Everyone is in on it, but it's still nice to watch them pretend.

New Feature!

Following in the illustrious footsteps of "Ugly TV Moms" and "Question...Is He Hot?" I proudly bring you..."Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!"

I hope to make it a weekly feature, and what better way to start out than with "The Death of Irwin."

Lindsay Lohan's Vagina

If you're so inclined.

Thinking Lady's Pinup - Number XI

Aaron McGruder, creator of The Boondocks.