Rejected Diet Pepsi Max Commercials

• A multicultural group of kids (including wheelchair friend) are playing Nintendo 64 in a lackluster manner before mom brings in Diet Pepsi Max jolts them into a frenzy of sweet 64-bit gaming. "Macarena" plays in the background.
• Cult members are resignedly lacing up their Nike high-tops, shrugging their shoulders at the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet. Deciding to chug some sweet Diet Pepsi Max, they change their mind and excitedly jump on their bunk beds with poison and plastic bags in hand. "MMMBop" plays in the background.
• A questionably-coiffed First Lady is nervous about being questioned by the grand jury. To pep herself up, she downs a Diet Pepsi Max and stomps assuredly to the microphone. "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" plays in the background.
• A lonesome, grizzled man enters his shack and struggles with whether or not to turn on the television. Deciding to take a life-affirming sip of Diet Pepsi Max instead, he jumps up and gets to work on his letter bombs. "Spice Up Your Life" plays in the background.

Hey MTV:

Nice try with "The Real World: Hollywood." The only problem is you forgot one thing: people like me who remember when you did that city in 1993 and called it "Los Angeles." This isn't even some "New York 2" bullshit, it's just a lie.

Not that it matters, because I won't watch it. In spite of the the Corals and Trishelles you spit out, everyone knows the last good season was Seattle and that was 1998. Ten years ago.

I understand you need to keep topping off your "Real World / Road Rules Challenge" bucket of nasty, but please don't expect me to care about these people. They're not even hot anymore. Not hot like German Lars was. Or even Eric Nies.

I Am Old Now

I don't know the answers to any of the following questions:

What are The Jonas Brothers? Do they date Miley Cyrus? Are they Nickelodeon or Disney? Are they actually brothers like Hanson, or are they fake brothers like the Doobies? Do they have anything to do with Hayden Panini-tiara? Were they real or invented? Which one is the cute one? Are any of them old enough to be cute? Is there a gay one? Are they popular for real?

Spotlight On: Idols I Hate

I forget sometimes just how unironic 'American Idol' is. When Kristy Lee Cook sang "I'm Proud to be an American" last night, I thought it was great because I thought it was hilarious. The judges thought it was great because...they actually thought it was great. What?

Sincerity has no place in reality TV, and this freak is Mary Sunshining her way through week after week. I like people who are in on the joke or at least know how to pluck their eyebrows like an adult.

She's so achingly oblivious her personal quote on the 'Idol' homepage is "Rope it, ride it, wrestle it, cowgirl it." What again? If she had a self-aware bone in her body, she would realise this reads like she wants a bone in her body. But no, I think she's actually talking about a rodeo. A rodeo for Jesus, no doubt, who inspires her only a little more than her horses and dog. Whatever.

Oh, and on a final note: fuck you, Kristy Lee Cook for wanting to meet John Hagee (after Jesus and James Franco), one of the most hateful people to have ever lived. I doubt you want to meet him so you can kick him in the nuts, like a person with morals would. You're an asshole and I officially have no time for you starting...now.

Reaching the Coveted "People Who Already Know This" Demographic

"Move Every Muscle, Make Every Sound" by De Novo Dahl is a good album to buy if you like synesthesia, pretending your life is lived in fast-forward like a silent film, or having sex with attractive people. The album is out today and can be purchased in such fine places as 'stores' and 'the internet.'

Am I Ever Glad I Watched 'The Hills"

So I watched the pre-show, premier, and post-show Mariah party of "The Hills" last night, and it was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a very long time. Most people would call that admission an example of why I am shallow and dumb, but I shall retort with a bulleted list of things I learned:

• Teen Vogue is no place for a fake intern who actually wants a career in fashion - they send them off to Paris with no idea how to pronounce Givenchy!
• Blond men should not grow facial hair, as demonstrated by Spencer's pube chin
• omg curling irons totally burn fabric!!!!
• Mariah Carey does not give a fuck wants you to know it
• Rather than showing videos, MTV plays a song over a show but still gives the artist and song title. This is actually a pretty good idea because most music videos are retarded.
• Yelle is awesome.
• Alicia Keyes is not.

See? You can't learn that shit from a book, nerds! Maybe you should go to the university of life for a semester or two!

Help, Dear Reader

Easter Bunny presented an egg with an Amazon gift card all wrapped up inside, and am I ever torn. I'm frugal by nature, so when I have money that has to be spent, I freak out that I might make the wrong choice and buy something I won't love every day forever until I die, which would render the money wasted. I can't take the pressure!

Gut instinct: "The Adventures of Pete and Pete."

I probably don't need to tell you it's one of the greatest television shows ever made, regardless of genre or target audience. I know I'd love it and cuddle it and have warm fuzzy dreams about it and probably cry when Artie leaves...but then I'm going to worry I could have bought something even better.

I'm toying with the idea of buying "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" which I've wanted to read for a while, but I have a book backlog as it is and I doubt anyone, "Spin" writer or not, can tell me something about "Saved By the Bell" I don't already know. Plus, it's like 3 years old now. The world didn't even have "Flavor of Love" yet!
So what do you think? Make a recommendation. Tell me what to buy. And please don't make things even harder on me by throwing out "Freaks and Geeks, bitch!" because trust me, I've already thought of that. Oh, and I've also decided I'm going to get into silent films. I'm sure there's a fucking excellent coffee table book on that I'll want, too.

Jarring Realization of the Day

Matt Stone, as in "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Creators of 'South Park'" is HOT. He's doing something rather Peter Krauseian here and I approve, even though I'm not a fan of that watch.

When the hell did this happen?

Spotlight On: 'Idols' I Hate

I sometimes feel uncomfortable about criticising people in the public eye. Ali Lohan is just a kid, Britney Spears is clearly mentally ill, and though they, and the people who sign themselves up for the 'American Idol' freakshow are, in a sense, asking for it, they're still people. David Cook is just a guy. A normal guy who clearly is a total douchebag.

There must be something innately horrible in a 25-year-old man (with a soul patch!) who intentionally puts himself on 'American Idol.' And make no mistake, this guy is in it to win it. It's not a stoner joke gone bad (cough-JasonCastro-cough), it's a sincere attempt to become...what? Rich? Famous? Credible?

Hell if I know. The vulgar pop-rock he vomits in my face week after week is by no means going to make him credible, if that's what he's after. Rock + American Idol do not work, unless you are DAUGHTRY™ and this guy clearly is not. I'm not DAUGHTRY ™ fan, but at least he's not a smug asshole who used a vocoder on a Whitesnake version of a Beatles song.

Rich? I seriously doubt it. You can do alright for yourself as Idols: hit the summer tour, go on Tyra and maybe sell some albums to housewives and 11-year-olds, but it's never going to be the coke and titties Jager life you know David Cook wants it to be. He's already too old for this shit, and if he wants success I suggest something in the IT field. He can earn some money and not be in my face at the same time!

So it's got to be fame. He is who he is and he wants us to know every cocky, delusional, date-rapey facet of his fat-faced existence. So I have no problem making fun of him. I'd make fun of him if I knew him in real life, which I basically do. We all do. We've seen him hitting on drunk girls with the line that he's a rocker, we've seen him secretly check his wallet when a black guy walks by, and we've seen him driving down the street with the windows down and Our Lady Peace way up.

Do we really have to see him on TV?

My Spam

Dear Belove one Based on your profile, l am happy to request for your assistance because I beleive that you are not going to betrayed the trust which I am going to lay on you Dear Beloved i pray all is well with you and Other members of your family. My name is Lily 20 years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs Jones, My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on 12th.November 2005.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time, but God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my Father on November 12th 2005 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told her that he has the sum of(USD$17.5 000 000) Seventeen Milion five hundred thousand dollars left in a metalic trunk trunk box, wich he deposited in a Security Company here in abidjan, that he registered it as family valuable items for security reasons, he told the secretarythat I should contact the Company for them to know me as his next of kin wich I have did as he instructed, He also told the secretary that I should not let any of his relations to know about this because he was kiled by them and if they know about it, that they will do nothing but to kill me in other to take hold of every thing, He told her that I should seek for a foriegn partner abroad who will help me retreived the trunk box and also travel with him or her in other to continue my Live and Education and also to start a Bussines relationship with the person whom can take cear of me in the fucture, My dear, this is why I have come incontact with you in order to help me retreive that trunk box from the Security Companys custody and send it direct to your country and also to make an arrangement for me on how I will come over to your country in other to continue my Live and Education and also to go into bussines relationship with you hence I am still a child and I dont know any thing about bussines, I am just 20 years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do. this is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrowto my life, My dear, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards and your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded.
Now permit me to ask these few questions: 1. Can I completely trust you? 2.Can you accept me as your own blood Sister (Or Doughter)? 3.What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you? Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible with your full assurance that you will not disapoint me in this issue so that i can give you the contact of the Security Company where my late Father deposited that trunk box for you to contactthem on how the trunk box will be retreived from their custody and deliver to your country, Thank you soo much for your understanding and may almighty God bless you and your Family to the Glory of God Almighty, My sincere regards, Miss Lily.

QUICKLY!

Why has no one told me there's a show on MTV about dance crews hosted by Mario Lopez and right now they're about to make them dance to showtunes and one crew wears rollerskates and one crew is called Jabberwoceez?

edit: Holy shit and JC Chasez is a judge!

The One Where I Talk About Dancing With the Stars

If your mom has her panties all in a middle-aged twist, it's probably because "Dancing With the Stars" is back on TV, or will be back on TV soon, or started last week or something. I don't watch reality shows (except Project Runway, American Idol, Top Model, the entire VH1 Celebreality pantheon, A&E crime porn...) so I don't know why this particular formula struck gold with the 'People You Work With and Hate' set, but it looks like we're going to have to deal with the following goddamn faces in "Us Weekly" for the next few months:

Name: Adam Carrola
Occupation: Getting on my fucking nerves.
Your Mom Loves Him: Not so much. He's boorish and sexist and probably hates her because she's over 30.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step down! Not as hot as Dr. Drew and not as funny as Jimmy Kimmel, he basically has nowhere else to go. The fact is, he's probably embarrassed and probably needs the money. He seems like a secret gambler to me.

Name: Kristi Yamaguchi
Occupation: Ice princess!
Your Mom Loves Her: More than she loves you.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Natural progression, for reals. Female Olympians are pretty much retired by 16, and she's got to be like 30 now. It'll keep her in the public spotlight for a little while longer, and I bet she can give shout-outs to the foundations she almost certainly chairs.

Name: Steve "Guttenberg" Bible
Occupation: The 1980's
Your Mom Loves Him: Probably at least a little - he's harmless, like your gay neighbor she inexplicably flirts with.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: He had like a real career once, so this is surely the bottom of a 25-year-long downward spiral.

Name: Penn Gillette
Occupation: Magician, creepy guy.
Your Mom Loves Him: If your mom knows who he is, she probably likes him.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: I...don't know. I've never had less of an opinion on any person, ever.

Name: Marlee Matlin
Occupation: Being Deaf
Your Mom Loves Her: Um, LOADS. Marlee's got more 'Lifetime' cred than wronged wives and kidnapped babies combined.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up, but for handicapped people as a whole. She's here to prove to America that not all disabled star dancers want to have sex with Paul McCartney and steal his money.

Name: Monica Seles
Occupation: Um, athlete? Tranny?
Your Mom Loves Her: I guess? I don't know who this lady is, but she looks like Lance Bass.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up if it's Lady Lance. Step down if it's anyone else.

Name: Marissa Jaret Winokur
Occupation: Jersey girl?
Your Mom Loves Her: She probably likes her a little, because this seems like the kind of chick who's all about being true to herself, and your mom eats that shit for breakfast.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Up up. TV is better than theatre x1000. It's a fact.

Name: Cristian de la Fuente
Occupation: Hot foreign guy.
Your Mom Loves Him: Not at all - yet. I'm sure he'll pull some spicy Latin moves soon enough, though - then she won't stop talking about him from now until his inevitable Jennifer Garner romcom.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up! Unnecessary reality TV in America trumps whatever prestige one may have had in Argentina or where ever.
Name: Shannon Elizabeth
Occupation: Attractive(?) lady, poker player
Your Mom Loves Her: Nope! She probably gave your dad a boner in 'American Pie.'
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: She has nowhere else to go but...here, I guess.
Name: Jason Taylor
Occupation: Some bald guy
Your Mom Loves Him: This is probably some other sports dude. He's pretty cute and you know your mom is all into the 'non-threatening black guy' thing.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Whatever.

Name: Mario
Occupation: Plumber, comic Italian stereotype
Your Mom Loves Him: Um, she loves him loads just like everyone else in the world! He can turn into a beaver, ya'll! Adorable!
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step Up. And Bob Hoskins still has a lot to live down. Name: Priscilla Presley
Occupation: Fucking Elvis when she was like, 14 years old.
Your Mom Loves Her: Doubtful. Either she loved Elvis and is jealous or loved the Beatles and couldn't care less about these kind of white trash goings-on.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Natural progression. 'Naked Gun' was like 15 years ago.

A Letter of Thanks

Widows and Orphans of Thailand,

I would like to present my thanks for your production of the Gap Stretch Straight Leg Pant (6 Ankle). Never before have I, a person who is of short stature, encountered a trouser crafted with such attention and care. I am able to walk around without dragging my cuffs, I am able to sit down without the waist pinching, rolling down, or lumping at my stomach, and most importantly, I look way totally cute and skinny when wearing them.

I also appreciate the denim used to make the pants - it can be either dressy or casual, work-appropriate or ready to be vomited on. The dark yet breathable fabric suits itself to both summer and winter wear, and I can honestly say I look forward to introducing my awesome new pants to many a season.

I do hope that you were adequately compensated for your superb work. If not, take heart that your husband, parents, or both have not died in vain - you have brought ass-flattering happiness to thousands of short-not-skinny-not-fat women in the world: this is a letter from but one of them.

Yours Most Sincerely,

Trashley

6 Months! Ish!

Six months(ish) is a really long time not to blog! Like enough time to get knocked up, get it taken care of and get back on the town.

But nevermind, the moral of the story is this: Garfield Minus Garfield might be the greatest modern art project of our time.

For all these years I thought it was unfunny and I was mistaken: it's macabre and misanthropic masquerading as unfunny! It's very perverse, like reading 'Peanuts' as if Charlie Brown has cancer:

See? Now it's hilarious!

You can apply the 'delusions' or 'secret cancer' conceit to pretty much any lame comic strip, cartoon, basketball game or family reunion you make come across and turn it into Funny Times Party City™.