The One Where I Talk About Dancing With the Stars

If your mom has her panties all in a middle-aged twist, it's probably because "Dancing With the Stars" is back on TV, or will be back on TV soon, or started last week or something. I don't watch reality shows (except Project Runway, American Idol, Top Model, the entire VH1 Celebreality pantheon, A&E crime porn...) so I don't know why this particular formula struck gold with the 'People You Work With and Hate' set, but it looks like we're going to have to deal with the following goddamn faces in "Us Weekly" for the next few months:

Name: Adam Carrola
Occupation: Getting on my fucking nerves.
Your Mom Loves Him: Not so much. He's boorish and sexist and probably hates her because she's over 30.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step down! Not as hot as Dr. Drew and not as funny as Jimmy Kimmel, he basically has nowhere else to go. The fact is, he's probably embarrassed and probably needs the money. He seems like a secret gambler to me.

Name: Kristi Yamaguchi
Occupation: Ice princess!
Your Mom Loves Her: More than she loves you.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Natural progression, for reals. Female Olympians are pretty much retired by 16, and she's got to be like 30 now. It'll keep her in the public spotlight for a little while longer, and I bet she can give shout-outs to the foundations she almost certainly chairs.

Name: Steve "Guttenberg" Bible
Occupation: The 1980's
Your Mom Loves Him: Probably at least a little - he's harmless, like your gay neighbor she inexplicably flirts with.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: He had like a real career once, so this is surely the bottom of a 25-year-long downward spiral.

Name: Penn Gillette
Occupation: Magician, creepy guy.
Your Mom Loves Him: If your mom knows who he is, she probably likes him.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: I...don't know. I've never had less of an opinion on any person, ever.

Name: Marlee Matlin
Occupation: Being Deaf
Your Mom Loves Her: Um, LOADS. Marlee's got more 'Lifetime' cred than wronged wives and kidnapped babies combined.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up, but for handicapped people as a whole. She's here to prove to America that not all disabled star dancers want to have sex with Paul McCartney and steal his money.

Name: Monica Seles
Occupation: Um, athlete? Tranny?
Your Mom Loves Her: I guess? I don't know who this lady is, but she looks like Lance Bass.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up if it's Lady Lance. Step down if it's anyone else.

Name: Marissa Jaret Winokur
Occupation: Jersey girl?
Your Mom Loves Her: She probably likes her a little, because this seems like the kind of chick who's all about being true to herself, and your mom eats that shit for breakfast.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Up up. TV is better than theatre x1000. It's a fact.

Name: Cristian de la Fuente
Occupation: Hot foreign guy.
Your Mom Loves Him: Not at all - yet. I'm sure he'll pull some spicy Latin moves soon enough, though - then she won't stop talking about him from now until his inevitable Jennifer Garner romcom.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up! Unnecessary reality TV in America trumps whatever prestige one may have had in Argentina or where ever.
Name: Shannon Elizabeth
Occupation: Attractive(?) lady, poker player
Your Mom Loves Her: Nope! She probably gave your dad a boner in 'American Pie.'
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: She has nowhere else to go but...here, I guess.
Name: Jason Taylor
Occupation: Some bald guy
Your Mom Loves Him: This is probably some other sports dude. He's pretty cute and you know your mom is all into the 'non-threatening black guy' thing.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Whatever.

Name: Mario
Occupation: Plumber, comic Italian stereotype
Your Mom Loves Him: Um, she loves him loads just like everyone else in the world! He can turn into a beaver, ya'll! Adorable!
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step Up. And Bob Hoskins still has a lot to live down. Name: Priscilla Presley
Occupation: Fucking Elvis when she was like, 14 years old.
Your Mom Loves Her: Doubtful. Either she loved Elvis and is jealous or loved the Beatles and couldn't care less about these kind of white trash goings-on.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Natural progression. 'Naked Gun' was like 15 years ago.