Smells Like Federline!

Sometimes the stars align in mysterious ways. Sometimes the gods look down from on high and smile. Sometimes there are moments in life when everything feels right and all is working according to nature's plan. Now is one of those times. Why?

Kevin Federline has been promoting Axe Body Spray.

Yes, America's favorite ex-husband has taken to shilling the cologne of choice for rapists and date-rapists alike. Guess what? He said he's a fan of the product.

Of course he is.

Buy Me!

Do you live in America? Have you ever watched TV? If so, then this is the CD for you! Music for TV Dinners features almost every bit of incidental music you've ever heard in cartoons, sitcoms, commercials, or film reels. It makes me want to throw a giant dinner party and wear killer strings of pearls.

Oh, Dear

I must say, this may be the best lead sentence I've ever stumbled upon:

Hugh Grant has been arrested and questioned by police after a photographer accused the actor of attacking him with a tub of baked beans.

Come on now, Mr Paparazzi, a "tub" of baked beans? You and I both know very well it was only a can. Hugh had to skip breakfast because of you!

I'm 100% on Team Hugh here, by the way. I know he's smarmy, but Love, Actually may be my guiltiest pleasure ever. Also? He's still hot.

Order of the Phoenix Trailer

So, how much should I say? I don't want you to get the impression that I'm freakishly excited to see the next Harry Potter film, but on the other hand, I don't want to come off like one of those poseur assholes who's too above a good story about, um, magical fantasy worlds. Oh well...OMG HARRAY POTTAR!!1! lolz. He is turning into teh hottness. I heart Snape!

I Knew It!

Anderson Cooper: Nevernude.

In More News I Don't Care About

Apparently it's a big fucking deal that Alec Baldwin left a bitchy and over-the-top phone message to his 11-year-old daughter. Surely this must beg the question...why does anyone care? Why do we even have access to this message? Oh, right. Kim Basinger.

Really, did he call her anything worse than a "thoughtless little pig?" Her parents are Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. She probably is, did anyone think of that? No, no, of course not. America has been too busy clutching her invisible pearls in shock horror over a dad yelling at his kid to really think about anything else.

I Get Confused Sometimes

Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View" and I don't care. I don't know anyone who cares...about the show, or her, or Donald Trump, or anything to do with that whole daytime-TV world that features no island mysteries whatsoever. Is this the kind of celebrity gossip 50-somethings in Nebraska get excited over? Why is this news again? What am I doing? Maybe if I blog like Rosie it will become clearer...

rosie is leavin the view
and i dont care
do you?
do you?

No, still retarded. Carry on.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

Boris Yeltsin totally dead.

I am an American under 25 and have little to no clue what he actually did when he ruled Russia. Other than drink lots of vodka.

Go Boris!

Most Hottest Guys on "Lost"

I didn't think it would ever happen, but Sayid has been replaced as my favorite island boyfriend. Ever since Desmond made me totally cry like a girl in this week's episode, I've decided to move him up to Number One. The current order of Most Hottest is:

Who? Desmond
Why? Totally hot and really really loves his girlfriend. Also: Scottish.
Bonus Features? Attractive clean shaven or with beard, probably going to let Charlie die.

Who? Sayid
Why? Totally hot and is the only character who asks questions.
Bonus Features? Kicks ass, filled with logic.

Who? Sawyer
Why? Totally hot and really really loves Kate.
Bonus Features? Sense of humor, likes to read.

Who? Jin
Why? Turned totally hot when his hair grew out and really really loves his wife.
Bonus Features? Learning English, not a dick anymore.

Who? Everyone else but Jack. Even Charlie.
Why? "She's under my protection."
Bonus Features? Not Jack.

kthnx!

Continuing in their never-ending struggle to present a fair and balanced story of the world, Fox News has hilariously let their religion correspondent comment on the murders at Virgina Tech. Did she write about how some people take solace in religion after a tragedy? Or how about any religious allusions the killer may have made in his 'manifesto?' No, she goes right to the heart of the matter:

Was Cho Seung-Hui schizophrenic … psychotic … manic-depressive? Or were the shooting deaths of 32 people, including Cho himself, at Virginia Tech University part of the ongoing struggle between God and Satan … good against evil … lightness and darkness?

Could Cho have been possessed by the Devil? Could that explain the massacre at Virginia Tech?

Dr. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, shouts an unequivocal “Yes!”

Thnx for that, Fox News Religion Correspondent Lauren Green. Your tasteful and relevant column will surely jump-start the healing of a country in mourning. Unless, of course, the devil beats you to it.

TOO SOON??!?

Marilyn Manson recently took some time off from causing yet more school shootings to date a teenager. They're the perfect couple, really. His lyrics certainly indicate the emotional maturity of a teenager:

We'll be the worms in your apple pie
Fake abuse for our bios
Blacken our own eyes
The grass isn't greener on the other side
We set it on fire
And we have no reason why

That's a sample from (appropriately) "The Bright Young Things," a song from an album released in 2003. When he was 34 years old. He's trite, pointless, and sees himself as the tragic poet of a generation. He's kind of like Jim Morrison for a new millennium, if Jim Morrison had been really really ugly.

Friday Quiz - Special Wednesday Edition

I've been having problems logging on for the past week or so, but everything seems to be in order now. To repay your perseverance, here's a special Friday quiz - on Wednesday! Up is down! Left is right! Answers in comments!

1. What is Alice Cooper's real name?
2. Who won the first season of "Survivor?"
3. Which company has recently released the Wii gaming console?
4. Which actor does not appear in Love Actually: Hugh Grant, Bill Nighy, or Gary Oldman?
5. Which musician did Dave Chappelle never parody on his sketch comedy show: MC Hammer, Rick James, or Prince?
6. Madonna's song "Beautiful Stranger" was written for which movie soundtrack?
7. Who wrote the most depressing children's book ever, The Giving Tree?
8. Who does Ilsa choose in the end: Rick or Laszlo?
9. The 1980s hit song "Our House" was by what English group?
10. Where is "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" set?
11. What magazine is known for special issues like "Sexiest Man Alive" and "Best and Worst Dressed?"
12. What was Pixar's first feature film?
13. Who was shot first: Biggie or Tupac?
14. Finish the quote by Senator Ted Stevens: "The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a..."
15. Who played Marie Antoinette in the 2006 biopic?
16. Drop Dead Fred is about: a dying pet, an imaginary friend, or an Alaskan cruise?
17. What band un-ironically covered "Behind Blue Eyes" in 2003?
18. Who is the youngest Huxtable child?
19. Name the three Powerpuff Girls.
20. Who is alive: Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, or Bobcat Goldthwait?

Kelsey Grammar IS TOO More Famousr Than Mos Def!

The game I've been waiting to play my entire life, Famousr, has found me. I double dare you to beat my streak of eight.

Damn you, Mos Def. Damn you to hell.

If You Don't Agree, You Are Racist

I'm not sure if you're aware, but Indians are AWESOME. If you've been paying any kind of attention lately, they are kicking ass everywhere they go, as long as "everywhere" is film or television. To Americans, they're somewhere between "black," "Middle Eastern," and "Mexican," so not only are they the go-to tokens of the moment...they're also superhot! I've complied a helpful cheat sheet for you to study so you can throw down subcontinent knowledge on unsuspecting Native Americans.

Name: Naveen Andrews
Real Name: Naveen Andrews
Claim to Fame: Sayid on "Lost," who is currently the only character with any critical thinking skills.
Nationality: British: adds extra hotness!
Hotness Level: 10/10. He's kind of the most important thing in my life right now.

Name: Mindy Kaling
Real Name: Vera Chokalingam
Claim to Fame: Kelly on "The Office," and co-author of the play "Matt & Ben." She played Ben Affleck. She is awesome.
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 7/10 - She's cute, but not truly hot.

Name: Kal Penn
Real Name: Kalpen Suresh Modi
Claim to Fame: Co-star of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle and The Namesake. Look, he can do comedy AND drama! Versatile!
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 7/10. He's pretty hot, but too fond of starring in Van Wilder movies to make him really and truly hot.

Name: Sanjaya Malakar
Real Name: Sanjaya Malakar
Claim to Fame: Preciously bad "American Idol" contestant, foil of Simon Cowell
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 4/10. There's hotness potential in like 8 years when he's fully out of the closet, but since I'm not 13...meh.

Name: Sendhil Ramamurthy
Real Name: Um, Sendhil Ramamurthy. Obviously.
Claim to Fame: Mohinder on "Heroes," a show I don't actually watch but have been told I should. I don't have the time, though, and like, I've already made commitments to other dramas and it's too late to even get started now, PLUS, I don't think I like that Hayden girl. I know, I know, it's "better than 'Lost,'" but whatever, I think you're a quitter. Eliot.
Nationality: American
Hotness Level: 8/10. Pretty hot. But maybe he's a shitty actor. I'll never know.

Question...

Is Robert Rodriguez hot...

or has he just been standing next to Quentin Tarantino?

Friday Quiz - 6 April

By special request, this week's Friday quiz is 100% "Saved by the Bell" related. Answer the questions to the best of your ability without double-checking online, and find the answers in the comments section.

1. Before moving to California, in what state was the show originally set?
2. And what was the name of the show during its first season?
3. Which former child star played the title character?
4. Other than Zach Morris and Mr. Belding, name the two other characters who appeared in the first season.
5. "Saved by the Bell" aired on Saturday mornings on which major network?
6. What is the name of the gang's favorite hangout?
7. What was the name of the tough new girl who appeared toward the end of the show's run?
8. Who played Stacy Carosi, Zach's summer love interest and boss's daughter?
9. What was the name of the group's band?
10. Give the last names of all six major characters (excluding Mr. Belding).
11. Which member of the gang was "poor:" so poor she had to work?
12. And whose parents were surgeons?
13. Fill in Mr. Belding's catchphrase: "Hey hey hey..."
14. Which "guest star" played Screech's nerdy girlfriend Violet?
15. What is the mascot for Bayside High School?
16. Who was Becky and how did she die?
17. Why did Johnny Dakota leave Bayside without filming his anti-drug commercial?
18. What was the name of Screech's robot?
19. While working on a social studies project, Zack finds out what about his family's heritage?
20. How many spin-offs did "Saved by the Bell" produce?

Ugly Authors

I was reading an article in tehNYT about the sexing up of Jane Austen for book covers. No one really cares if she wasn't much of a looker, but then I started thinking: has there ever been an attractive author? And when I say author, I mean "a person who writes books or poems or stories for a living," not this "I'm Nicole Richie and I'm gonna 'write' a book!" shit. Anyway, some examples:

George Eliot: Seriously. What photographer would even recommend that angle? I guess she has a nice smile? Also, darling, flat hair never does anyone any favors - and you need all the distractions you can get.

Hans Christian Andersen: Not only are you ugly and gaunt, you're giving off serious creep vibes, and that disturbs me because of all the fairy tales. You're not Lewis Carroll. Only non-uggos can be all weird around kids. It's a fact.

Alexander Pope: Dude, you look JUST LIKE that evil professor in the first Harry Potter book, except he's fictional and you're real. You're also less than 5 feet tall, and if I remember correctly, a humpback. Loser.

Mark Twain: It's not even that you're just ugly, man, it's like you're screaming "pay attention to me!" The wacky eyebrows, the mustache, the white suit: it's all too much.

Perfection is Preparing to Descend

The Best People in the World, Jordan and Peter, have sold their reality show in America. You heard right, friends: Britain's favorite Trashbags will be airing their lives and loves on the E! network at the end of this month.

If you're not aware of the joy and wonder that is Jordan and Peter: she's a cheesecake model with really large breasts, and he's a former pop singer, I think. I don't actually know. They're sort of famous for being famous, but in a great trashy Federline way. I'm also pretty sure they have a handicapped baby. Anyway, they walk all over Posh and Becks any day of the week in my book, and in honor of the THOUSANDS of dollars that will go from us to them to Burberry, I present to you (again) "A Whole New World."



I'm so happy! And excited! Today is like Christmas for me, all these trashy Brits are kicking my ass.

The Truest Love I Have Ever Seen

My favorite part is when Kate leaves the room and walks back in a few seconds later...Pete turns around and says "Hey!" like he's surprised she stopped in to visit and he hasn't seen her in days.

Heroin is SO COOL. Even cooler than cocaine cut with your dad!

Keith Richards Snorted Father

He could be lying, of course. I mean, maybe he's thinking "Let's see what else people will believe about the drug-fueled haze that is my life!" Why wouldn't we think it's true? On the other hand, maybe he did ingest his dad. While gross and wrong, I guess it's kind of cool? I mean, it's cool that his mind even goes there anytime he's presented with something snortable.

Heh. Coconut tree.

Rose McGowan Wrecks Home, Face

Seriously. I could care less about pathetic married men sleeping with women they work with, but really, her face is freaking me out. I can't tell if it's terrible surgery, makeup, or both.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

How Hostage Crisis '07 began.

Question...

Is this new Maroon 5 song as good as I'm afraid it is?

Shh...!

I'm about to let you in on a Secret! It's called "The Law of Attraction," and some of the most powerful people in the world (Hitler, Elizabeth Báthory, K-Fed) have used this "Secret" to get what they want!

Basically, the concept is you think really really hard about something you want. Merely by putting that "energy" into the universe, you're guaranteeing a return! You could use this Law (and don't forget - law means it's always provable 100% of the time!) to make sure you receive anything you want: from a new car, curing the crippling depression that eats away your soul, or even making your husband heterosexual!

But of course, taking this exceeding simplistic, almost juvenile concept and putting into action for yourself isn't easy - this isn't "The Power of Positive Thinking!" (It is.) No no no - you live in a world that demands faux spirituality and the loosest possible definitions of science should guide you in your shitty decision-making. That's why, friends, you must purchase a book/DVD combo that teaches you how to wish for things.

I mean, Oprah and Larry King think it's great...so it's gotta be, right?

Do you want to hear my wish I'm putting out in the universe? I wish someday I could come up with a clever way to repackage Old/New Age hilarity and sell it to disenchanted housewives and those bereft of critical thinking, earning a fortune! What's your secret?