Shh...!

I'm about to let you in on a Secret! It's called "The Law of Attraction," and some of the most powerful people in the world (Hitler, Elizabeth Báthory, K-Fed) have used this "Secret" to get what they want!

Basically, the concept is you think really really hard about something you want. Merely by putting that "energy" into the universe, you're guaranteeing a return! You could use this Law (and don't forget - law means it's always provable 100% of the time!) to make sure you receive anything you want: from a new car, curing the crippling depression that eats away your soul, or even making your husband heterosexual!

But of course, taking this exceeding simplistic, almost juvenile concept and putting into action for yourself isn't easy - this isn't "The Power of Positive Thinking!" (It is.) No no no - you live in a world that demands faux spirituality and the loosest possible definitions of science should guide you in your shitty decision-making. That's why, friends, you must purchase a book/DVD combo that teaches you how to wish for things.

I mean, Oprah and Larry King think it's great...so it's gotta be, right?

Do you want to hear my wish I'm putting out in the universe? I wish someday I could come up with a clever way to repackage Old/New Age hilarity and sell it to disenchanted housewives and those bereft of critical thinking, earning a fortune! What's your secret?