George Eliot: Seriously. What photographer would even recommend that angle? I guess she has a nice smile? Also, darling, flat hair never does anyone any favors - and you need all the distractions you can get.
Hans Christian Andersen: Not only are you ugly and gaunt, you're giving off serious creep vibes, and that disturbs me because of all the fairy tales. You're not Lewis Carroll. Only non-uggos can be all weird around kids. It's a fact.
Alexander Pope: Dude, you look JUST LIKE that evil professor in the first Harry Potter book, except he's fictional and you're real. You're also less than 5 feet tall, and if I remember correctly, a humpback. Loser.
Mark Twain: It's not even that you're just ugly, man, it's like you're screaming "pay attention to me!" The wacky eyebrows, the mustache, the white suit: it's all too much.