Why They Hate America

Are you a bad parent? Do you like to dress up your children and parade them around like dolls, but still can't get over that nagging feeling your baby looks too - human? Well, luckily for you, there is now a place to retouch those baby pageant photos that you so desperately, desperately need. Really, there's nothing more precious than a child who's had all the life Photoshopped out of their smooth, sad faces. I'm sure little Madison McKayla will never grow to resent you or your waste of her college fund.

(from Broadsheet)

Don't Be Stupid

Like Danica McKellar, I am both really pretty and totally smart. I'm not as smart as Danica (I don't have a theorem named after me), but I like history and literature and politics and other cool stuff like that. Danica (Winnie Cooper to most) is a math whiz, and she wrote this book to inform young girls that brains and beauty are not mutually exclusive, and I think that is a very awesome thing. You should buy it for a girl you know.

Mormons: Crazy and Racist

Scientology ain't got nothin' on the Mormons!

I mean, all explanations for religions are kind of crazy, even if it's your own: write it down and try to see it from an outsider's point of view. However, there's got to be a limit, and I propose alien gods and Romans fighting Native Americans be that limit. Double if they're racist to boot. Are there black people in Utah?

I Weep For The Future

'Comedian' Jimmy Fallon of Taxi and Fever Pitch fame is on the top of NBC's list to replace Conan O'Brien when he moves to "The Tonight Show" in 2009.

I'm not worried about this news for my own sake - I started developing a healthy, inane sense of humor at about 13 years old, and I have to thank Conan, Letterman, and various Kids in the Halls and Mr. Shows for pushing me in the right direction. But oh, won't somebody please think of the children?

If Jimmy Fallon - a man famous for being cute and unable to make it through an unfunny three-minute sketch without cracking himself up - is the late-night host the next generation turns to for cues as to what is and is not hilarious, what is to become of us all? Did I mention, in addition to the unfunny, a man like Fallon lacks the charm, affability, and vital self-deprecation a talk show host needs? I'm pissed.

But I'm not pissed for myself - I'm thinking of my future children. Consider it, friends - Dane Cook is the next logical step.

Most Embarassing Commercial Ever

This is why I don't date musicians - sexy as they are now, someday they're going to get old and think they've still 'got it' when, quite literally, they don't. They'll just sit around wearing awful Hawaiian shirts and ill-advised vests, singing songs about their erections.

Fuck Anime

I try not to begrudge the nerds their interests. I understand the basics of a computer and I like Harry Potter (and musicals). I don't have any problems with comic books and I find "Star Trek" fans to be quite good-natured. Live and live, really. But...

I don't understand anime. I don't understand the people who like anime. I don't understand why shitty hyper-sexualized Japanese cartoons about 12-year-old demons are so popular with American basement-dwellers. And I'm not talking about stoned 20somethings who accidental enjoy an episode of "Inuyasha" on Adult Swim, I mean the people who are into it.

When did this happen? Why did this happen? Were there cosplay fanatics before anime, just like there were homosexuals before the 1970s? Why are hardcore anime fans so sexually immature? Why are they so often white women? Why are they so goddamn insistent anime represents a proud Japanese tradition any more than the Smurfs represent Belgium?

I don't like the way they think they know Japan. I'm willing to bet most have been there the same number of times I have (ZERO) which means they don't understand it all, no matter how many messageboards they read. I'm willing to bet anime equals Japan as much as ESPN equals America - they're both popular, but it ain't the whole story.

Why are they so creepy? Where is all their disposable income coming from? Will they grow out of it? Are there anime fans over the age of 45? Why did they decide to make liking cartoons the most important aspect of their personality? Why do they turn anthropomorphic animals into fetish objects? That's fucked up.

I'm afraid this trend I don't want to understand is only going to get worse before it gets better. I noticed an abundance of anime-style Saturday morning cartoons this weekend - making sure the kids are indoctrinated to inane storylines, bad animation, and exaggerated breasts early, are you Fox? Hopefully they'll grow out of it. Pick up a guitar or a pen or take apart an alarm clock and learn something about the world - the real world, not the fantasy one their virginal brothers and sisters pretend they live in.

Yes yes - I'm stereotyping, and isn't it a shame? But sometimes stereotypes are grounded in the truth, and I'm genuinely curious why this bizarre, aesthetically repulsive took over the senses of millions of people who have the gall to call it 'art.'

Things Cops Found in My Pockets That Don't Belong To Me - I Swear!

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan's been arrested again, only this time she's claiming innocence regarding her blood alcohol level and the cocaine allegedly found in her pocket. While her history is certainly against her, the police are not infallible. Many blameless people are currently unjustly incarcerated in the United States, and let's not forget: everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Don't you watch "Cops?" Anyway, just in case I don't make it out of this weekend unscathed, here's a list of things currently in my possession that totally don't belong to me:

• That bag of cocaine I just bought
• Prescription pills in my dead grandmother's name
• A list of my known enemies titled "To Kill"
• The smoking gun
• A Horcrux
• Pedro, the illegal immigrant who mows my lawn
• Jimmy Hoffa's body (which happens to be clutching a JFK assassination confession)
• Chinese Democracy
• Bruno Magli shoes

Britain, Britain, Britain

"Oh dear, it appears our town has flooded. I'll put the kettle on."

Love these people.

Lost In Translation

There's a new Jane Austen biopic coming out soon, and naturally they've condensed the already-short life of one of England's wittiest writers into little more than a love story. Fairly dull lives lived by fairly ordinary people (in spite of their talents) never seem to translate well to film - so I decided to do some Jane Austen translating of my own.

Using the always-reliable Google translate, I popped in one of Austen's most famous lines, jumbled it into foreign gobbeldy-gook, and magically turned it back into English again. Let's see which language manages to stay truest to the original!

The Original: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

Lots of commas and full of sarcasm. Just the way I like it.

Arabic and Back: "It is universally acknowledged, and the fact that the heart of one man carries God must want of a wife."

True to form, Arabic manages to turn a sentence about gold diggers into something about men carrying God in their hearts. Get over yourselves!

French and Back: "It is a universally recognized truth, that a simple man in possession of a good fortune, must be inside want of a wife."

Single turns to simple and the next thing you know he's inside of her. Dirty, dirty French.

German and Back: "It is one confirmed truth, the one individual man in the possession of a luck, must inside its wishes of a woman."

Germans seem to be big on independence and luck. Weren't so lucky in the 20th century, were you Germany?

Japanese and Back: "That is recognized the wife being necessary, generally, the single person who owns that good fortune, there is a truth, it becomes, is."

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Russian and Back: "This is generally true that one person owns a fortune, must be in want of a wife."

And we have a winner! I was betting on French or German to remain the most true, but Russia pulls and upset and wins the prize! The prize being capitalism and screenings of a Jane Austen biopic no one could afford to see, even if they wanted to.

Christmas in July

My life has been falling together in excellent ways, and the weeks ahead are looking to only be better. Christmas really came early for me this year, and the three presents I've received over the past couple of days are:

1. Staying up until 3:00 this morning to finish the last Harry Potter book. Yay magic!

2. Being informed via anonymous comment Made of Trash's analysis of the Tammy Faye death made it to Slate.com. Yay internet!

3. Finding out minutes later Lindsay Lohan was arrested again for DUI. Yay trainwreck!

4. Learning my favorite people in the whole world, Katie Price & Peter Andre, named their new baby girl Princess Tiàamii.

All is right in Trashley's world at the moment. It is, without question, the Summer of Dreamz.

Hey Paula! Shut the Hell Up!

I'm often accused of being too sensitive, too quick to cry. Well, you know what? I've never (not even when I was a kid) lost my shit over something as inane as the "Bratz" movie, Paula.

The most hilarious things about this clip?
1. The fact that God was nowhere near the "Bratz" movie - he ain't stupid
2. The way Paula turns being fired from executive producing/choreographing/designing (sure Paula) a movie about ugly dolls into just another example of how people try to hold her rich, privileged ass down.
3. Yelling at her assistants because they are talking about something else in the next room, therefore undermining the tragedy of Paula and the Bratz.
4. Paula Abdul is in her 40s.

Prison is Awesome

I thought Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason one one of the dumbest movies I'd ever seen, thanks in no small part to the choreographed singalong she organizes in a jail in Southeast Asia. Then I saw this video of inmates in the Philippines doing the entire zombie dance from "Thriller" (balding drag queen girlfriend included) and now I understand Edge of Reason is the most hilariously realistic film ever made. Thanks, Asia.

Um, Why?

Awards shows are stupid and half the fun is in hating the nominations, so here we go: "Dick in a Box" is nominated for an Emmy, but "Lost" isn't? I mean, "Dick in a Box" was no "Lazy Sunday," and did you miss the last sixteen episodes of Season 3? I blame Bai Ling. And how exactly is Jenna Fischer a "supporting" actress? Isn't the show about Pam and Jim? Ah, I also see Tom Selleck and Matthew Perry are in the same category as Jim (fucking) Broadbent, William H. (fucking) Macy and Robert (fucking) Duvall. Just think about that one for a second. Whatever, Emmys. My only hope is if Hugh Laurie somehow manages to win everything. I like to believe he did some excellent directing, writing, set design, and special effects work last year.

Laterz, Tammy Faye

Few things in the world fill me with more rage than evangelical Christians, but I've never had a problem with Tammy Faye. She always seemed to be more "I heart Jesus!" than "I hate science and feminists!" and I can't really fault her for that. Plus, she loved the gays, just like I do. She loved them so much, in fact, one of her final wishes was to have a gay minister conduct her private funeral service. I'm too young to remember any of the PTL scandals, and unless I'm mistaken, wasn't most of that her husband's fault? Anyway, the best things about Tammy Faye were her open-armed embrace of camp and the way she understood her place in pop culture. I'm going to forget I ever saw her frail, gaunt body with less than 48 hours left in it on Larry King. I'm going to remember her for what she'd want me to - her eyelashes.

"Order of the Phoenix"

It would be presumptuous of me to say Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the greatest movie ever made, simply because I haven't seen every movie ever made. It is, however, the greatest movie of all movies I've ever seen.

Why? I'll tell you why. Danger. Excitement. Romance. Rebellion. Daring escapes. Broken hearts. Inconceivable bravery. Inconsolable grief. Raw Youth. And all with magic.

Really, if nothing else, you need to see the Harry Potter films so you can hone your game-playing skills. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon has nothing on the cast in these movies - you've got Hans Gruber, Mother Superior (+ tons of Shakespeare), Margaret Schlegel/Nanny McPhee, the evil (but hot) Colonel William Tavington, Helen Schlegel/Marla Singer, fucking Amon Göth, AND Dracula/Sid Vicious/Beethoven - without even counting the kids!

Defeat - And Challenge

How was there any way for me to know a cute Barbadian girl would inspire so much vitriol in the blog reading public? Rihanna and her umbrella have been the hottest topics on Made of Trash since ever, and I'm finally willing to accept defeat. "Umbrella" is not the best pop song to come out this year, and therefore unworthy to be the official theme tune of my Summer of Dreamz.

So, what song should it be? Anything hot and danceable hit the turntables recently that has the moxie to catch the hearts and souls of dreamerz all around?

Hey Nashville!

You've read about it in the papers, you've heard the kids gossiping in the streets...now it's time to see (and hear and feel) exactly what it's all about!

The first Summer of Dreamz dance party will take place Friday, August 3rd. At the 5 Spot. In the East Side. I will play sexy music alongside DJ Bawston Sean and Linwood Turncoat, so make sure you come over and shake shake it with the prettiest dreamerz Nashville has to offer.

Bring some cash, bring some smilez, and don't forget - bring your dreamz. They will come true.

help plz

Someone please tell me how to feel about A) This single and B) Billy Corgan's comedy kimono. I'm so conflicted! Do wonderful memories of the past allow one to overlook the seeming mediocrity of the present? That kimono is a joke, right? This song is better than anything Panic! At the Disco will ever do, right? Am I just old? Already? There are too many feelings!

Dear MSNBC,

So I'm reading an article about these poor (though not hot, I checked) Turkish musicians brought to court for a song about raw youth and rebellion when I run across this paragraph:

Gathered in a cramped Istanbul recording studio, the Deli musicians don't look like stereotypical punks — no spiked hair, lip studs or drugs. They're in their early 20s, polite, mild-mannered and irreverent. And all passed the university exam. Vocalist Cengiz Sari is studying to become an art teacher. Base guitarist Enis Coban studied textile manufacturing.

I can ignore the musician stereotypes (only losers have lip studs, FYI) because the writer is probably a 45-year-old man who hates his gay son, but seriously, it's spelled bass guitar. Say what you will about the evils of state-run media, at least they fucking spell-check.

Hero: BEAR GRYLLS

You know how television shows try to hit certain target audiences, like "Men 18-35" or "Women 35-50?" I've always wondered if there could be a show that appeals to everyone, everywhere, from all walks of life - and I think there is. I may have found the perfect television show.

It's called "Man vs Wild" and stars a guy - no, a MAN called BEAR GRYLLS (caps lock, natch), a mountain climber/British Special Forces person/survivalist/overachiever. Basically he drops down into inhospitable territory with naught but a knife, a flint, and a water bottle to help him survive. He builds fire, makes bows and arrows, drinks his own urine, eats raw zebra meat, climbs out of quicksand and pretty much alpha males the fuck out of anyone you've ever known. That's the part of the show the men can enjoy.

For the ladies? BEAR GRYLLS talks about the wild, untamed beauty of nature. He cooks a mean piranha. He knows a lot about trees, birds, and ancient tribal cultures. He would happily rescue you from an alligator. Most importantly - he's hot. Super hot. Really really sexy and super cool good-looking. What I'm saying is I've seen him drink his own urine and I'd still make out with him.

Do you think BEAR GRYLLS would mind if I'm kind of an indoors girl? I mean, hopefully not every date would involve squeezing water from elephant dung. 'Cause that's gross. I'm sure this show has been done before, after all. I just doubt it's ever been done as sexily.

Rihanna - "Umbrella"

Greatest pop song of the summer, of the year, or the past five years?

Discuss.

Summer of Dreamz - The Genesis

You know what you want to do? You want to head over to the Nashville Scene and read Tracy Moore's excellent article about Summer of Dreamz. Don't fool yourself into think it's a Nashville-only thing, of course. Summer of Dreamz can live anywhere, anytime.

That’s how grassroots movements start, I guess. Take a simple platitude, toss in a universally accepted theme, and you’ve got a bona fide cultural revolution on your hands. Summer of Dreamz has now been blogged, referenced, co-opted and internalized like a hot new catchphrase. It seems people are dreaming unafraid, no longer paralyzed by the fog of fear that prevents us from really grabbing life by the balls.

See? Do it. Read the article. Live your Dreamz.

Question...

Do I still think Daniel Radcliffe is hot?

Pros: Young, Gifted, and British; funny; overall symmetry of face; pretty pretty blue eyes!

Cons: Leatherdaddy vest; bizarre stubble; overzealous eyebrows.

Please, please help me.

God's a Smoker

When I say I love England, I mean it. It's not my fault if they consistently prove themselves to be better than Americans in oh so many ways - and now I have to add clergy to their list of awesome. While American ministers and priests are busy building creation museums or molesting children, English vicars are apparently punk rock.

A vicar who lit his pipe in a Kent police station as a protest against the smoking ban has failed in his attempt to get himself arrested.

The Reverend Anthony Carr, of East Peckham, walked into the station in Tonbridge, asked to report a crime and then started smoking.

He said he flouted the ban to protest against the erosion of civil liberties.

I'm kind of sad he didn't get arrested. I mean, sure, he's not blowing up an abortion clinic like an American clergyman would, but surely this protest against the erosion of the civil liberties of badass smokers is worth a few hours in a cell!

When officers told him he would not be "bundled into" the back of a van he said "what a pity".

"What a pity," is what he said. How awesome is that? Though your protest didn't achieve your desired effect, you're still a hero in my eyes, Reverend Anthony Carr. I'll bring over a carton of Marlboros just for you, cowboy.

I Hope You CHOKE

Have you seen that Hardee's commercial with the Zach Braff voiceover? Or maybe it's Wendy's. All I know is it pisses me off and makes me want to vomit blood. I hate Zach (Zack?) Braff and his loud stupid voice telling me to eat burgers. Didn't he try to ruin The Shins for everyone? Fuck off, Zach Braff. You don't tell me what to do.

I Think I Love You

You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of celebrity crushes they have. It's clear that I'm an Anglophile who prefers kind of weird-looking men in their 30s and 40s. From time to time, though, I creep myself out and develop a crush that seems wrong in both genesis and intensity. My current New Love is Michael Cera, best known as George Michael Bluth on "Arrested Development." A young teenager when the show was on, Michael has grown into...a guy who turned 20 last month. He is cute. He is funny. He makes good TV shows and probably good movies and definitely good comedy on his website, Clark and Michael. I'm not saying he's going to want to marry me. I'm just saying it seems like we would have a lot in common (omg I like British Sea Power too!) and probably be really good friends. I could buy him beer and we could go to rock shows and make jokes and give one another awkward kisses goodnight, just like good (attractive) friends do.

Amy Winehouse Simpson

I Hate Spain

I'm trying to pass a Spanish class, so I'll start writing again when I feel like it. Verb tenses are dumb. So are nouns. All of it.