Oh God

Please, for the love of all that is holy, can someone please organize a road trip to Petersburg, Kentucky so I can check out the Creation Museum? The website says it's open seven days a week, so I suggest we head up on a Sunday to chide the employees for not resting (as God did).

Really though, it's all about science. They even have helpful comparisons to differentiate between the Biblical and secular accounts of evolution.

Clickity-click for a larger image: the gist of it is human reason actually makes a lot more sense, though I doubt that's the point they were trying to make.

Not content to make it all about the apes and dinosaurs, there's a helpful summary at the end providing examples of why human reason is so darn crazy (as well as the obligatory abortion potshot).


Wait a second, are you telling me death is not a natural step in the circle of life? I guess The Lion King was wrong about a lot of things, in the end.

Anyway, you get the point. Science bad, Kentucky good. I've got the liquor if you've got the car.

You Caught Me!

Okay, look: if asked, I would say yes, I consider myself a feminist and agree with oh so many of the the third wave points and principles that are included in that admission. Especially important issues are reproductive rights (naturally) and the concept of gender being something not one is born with, but rather has imposed upon them because of the sex roles your culture has defined for you before you're even born. This applies of course to men as well as women, and clearly is something people struggle with (and will continue to struggle with) until there is a real, sincere effort from Western society as a whole to talk about why things are they way they are.

That said, children all look alike to me and I totally thought Celine Dion's son was a girl. It was wrong of me to make that assumption, but 1. I grew up in a culture where long hair = feminine and 2. those flowing golden locks will trick you every time. Fucking Canadians.

Farewell

Dr. Foreman. You tolerated racial slurs far better than I would: for that I admire you. You hated Cameron: I admire that even more. You were a troubled youth. You were better than your past. You totally almost died that one time and your brain was fucked up for a little, but then we all forgot about it. I'll miss you Dr. Foreman - and so will House.

Dr. Chase. You are Australian. You kiss nine-year-old patients on the lips, and you believe in God. Your (hated) father died of cancer and you pretended not to care. More than once you solved a mystery House couldn't, yet you still are fired. Why were you fired? I don't really know. I don't really care. I don't understand why you like Cameron.

Dr. Cameron. You did improve a tiny bit after Season One - but you were still too caught up in your own bizarre sense of ethics. No one cared about your Poor Dead Husband, and I suspect you really didn't either. You took meth that one time and had sex with Chase. You loved House - you loved him 'til the end. He doesn't even like you. Now you're gone.

Yes, it's true. All three ducklings gone in one fell swoop. What will next season bring? No one knows for sure. But as long as House is still hot and still stoned, I really don't care who the supporting cast is.

Best of luck, losers.

They Will Never Love You

The other day I accidentally found my television transmitting the show "Still Standing" which is about a fat schlub married to a hot wife, as far as I can tell. It's one of my greatest TV peeves - the bland sitcom about an impossible marriage.

Don't mistake me, lovely women fall in love with average-looking guys all the time. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they have money, and sometimes good old-fashioned romance saves the day. But these TV husbands are not funny, wealthy, or romantic: they are the poorly-veiled sitcom writers themselves. The men (and almost all of them are) who never got the girl who are now trying to live vicariously through their shittily-produced craft. Even the sitcoms that star or are written by women perpetuate this bizarre double-standard. The women are usually single and sassy, and trying to deal with the world of dating/divorce as best they can. Even if they are wives, who are they married to? John Goodman. Bill Cosby if you're lucky.

You know who I blame it on? "The Honeymooners." Once again, the 1950s have ruined everything for everyone, everywhere. Or at least ruined it for me.

RIP, CNR

I've given myself too long a sabbatical, and it's not fair that I had to be shocked - shocked into returning by a death.

Yes, I speak of the death of Charles Nelson Reilly, Broadway baby and '70s game show staple.

I can't tell you how many times I've drunkenly played along with "Match Game," trying to keep up with the panelists drink for drink. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about his glasses - the way the reflected the studio lights almost made it feel as if you were looking into the eyes of God. I've thought about his cardigans. His voice. His openly closeted sexuality.

You will live forever in the reruns in my heart, blessed queen.

On Hiatus

Be Back Soon.

Paris Going To Jail

No, seriously. Probation violation is a bitch.

I Would Marry...

Kevin Barnes!

Yeah, Well

I've had finals and papers and stuff, so I haven't been wasting much time here. However, all bets are off next week and I'mma go see Mickey Avalon!

I Don't Know About You Guys...

But I have a killer Loyalty Day hangover!

America was founded by patriots who risked their lives to bring freedom to our Nation. Today, our citizens are grateful for our Founding Fathers and confident in the principles that lead us forward. On Loyalty Day, we celebrate the blessings of freedom and remember our responsibility to continue our legacy of liberty.

Our Nation has never been united simply by blood, birth, or soil, but instead has always been united by the ideals that move us beyond our background and teach us what it means to be Americans. We believe deeply in freedom and self-government, values embodied in our cherished documents and defended by our troops over the course of generations. Our citizens hold the truths of our founding close to their hearts and demonstrate their loyalty in countless ways. We are inspired by the patriotic service of the men and women who wear our Nation's uniform with honor and decency. The military spouses and families who stand by their loved ones represent the best of the American spirit, and we are profoundly grateful for their sacrifice. Our country is strengthened by the millions of volunteers who show deep compassion toward their neighbors in need. All citizens can express their loyalty to the United States by flying the flag, participating in our democracy, and learning more about our country's grand story of courage and simple dream of dignity.

The Congress, by Public Law 85-529, as amended, has designated May 1 of each year as "Loyalty Day." This Loyalty Day, and throughout the year, I ask all Americans to join me in reaffirming our allegiance to our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2007, as Loyalty Day. I call upon the people of the United States to participate in this national observance and to display the flag of the United States on Loyalty Day as a symbol of pride in our Nation.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day of April, in the year of our Lord two thousand seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first.

GEORGE W. BUSH


Next year: ease up on the loyalty!