Jesus Christ

I think I officially hate all celebrities. Here's the "news" that's making the rounds today:

1. Boringfaced Eva Longoria is engaged to uglyfaced Tony Parker

2. The Yellow "Wiggle" leaves the group because he has some freaky-ass disease

3. 50 Cent called Oprah an Oreo

4. Nicole Kidman has an ugly face and more money than you

5. Dead Steve Irwin's kid had a birthday party

Honestly guys, when Crispin Hellion Glover is the most exciting part of a news day, you know the ball has been dropped somewhere.