Made of Trash

Games to Help You Ignore Your Family!

2008-12-19T11:23:00.012-06:00

Gotta go home for Christmas? Don't want to talk to your family? See if any of these online games give your apathy muscle a workout.

Third World Farmer

Am I missing the point if I think this game is awesome? The premise is to keep your adorable little African family alive during droughts, civil wars, epidemics and etc. It's all about strategy - it's pretty fun to guess which disaster they're going to throw at you next, and you can always sell a family member to put a little extra money in the bank. Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, but maybe the developer should have thought twice before condensing the lives of the poorest of the poor into a literal fucking game. Either way, I managed to break $100,000!

Amateur Surgeon

Most of the Adult Swim games are pretty fun, but Amateur Surgeon is my favorite. You save cartoon lives by tearing bitches up with pizza cutters and whatnot, and the quickly dwindling timer and blood pressure monitor keep the suspense strong and your hand steady. Bonus: if your gramma looks over your shoulder and catches a glimpse of the funny blood and guts, she's likely to grossed out and not want to talk to you for a few hours.

Orisinal

The games you play when you're ready to tell your mom that you're gay.

Let me know what games you'll be playing - everyone out there needs all the help they can get.

omg hottest politicans ever

2008-11-06T12:59:00.007-06:00

My new crush, Rahm Emanuel, has accepted the position of White House Chief of Staff, which means this is setting up to be the best-looking administration any country in the world has ever seen.

I like this picture 'cause it's like I'm looking up at him from my knees. Someone hook up an internship for me plz.

Friendly Advice

2008-10-26T15:26:00.003-06:00

Nail polish from the Gap is shit. Don't ever buy it. I take a deep red off of my hands this morning and my fucking nails are left stained like they've been sitting in bowls of cherry Kool-Aid. It's not coming off. My hands are ruined. I am going to have to wear fresh nail polish every day for at least 8 months while this shit grows out. I don't even really wear nail polish that often. My fingernails have just started to look kind of nice, and so I treat them with a little bit of sassy red, and look at what happens. This is fucking ridiculous.

NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG

2008-10-16T22:05:00.003-06:00

Hey! I'm starting a new etiquette/advice blog, and it's kind of hard to post if I don't have any questions. Send your conundrums to ask@askmissseptember.com (or click on the 'Ask Miss September' link at the top of the website).

I can give super excellent and funny advice on dating, dining, how to nicely tell gramma to step off, and a myriad of other postmodern problems destroying young American lives.

So Apt! So Apt!

2008-10-04T15:41:00.003-06:00

Oh, how I wish I could take credit for this comparison, but I actually saw it first on Jezebel. Mostly I'm just glad I'm not the only person who watches "King of the Hill."

My New Thing: Rat-Like Hotness

2008-09-30T02:30:00.006-06:00

Example One: Charlie Day

Example Two: Sam Rockwell

How can you not be charmed by their adorable, rat-like faces and vague, sexy grossness? I love them and their lazy facial hair and want them to stay in my life forever. Charlie Day is the best part of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," the best comedy on television. And Sam Rockwell is actually like, an established character actor who has genuine talent. More of this sort of thing, Hollywood!

Just to Clarify...

2008-09-29T20:52:00.003-06:00

Oliver Stone's W. is supposed to be a comedy, isn't it? I mean, "What a Wonderful World." Come on. That's funny, right?

My Problem With Kirk Cameron

2008-09-28T16:31:00.007-06:00

My major problem with Kirk Cameron is not that he alienated himself from his "Growing Pains" cast members by haranguing them about Jesus (I imagine it must take a lot to piss off Alan Thicke), or that he and his Kiwi pal don't understand bananas and use their confusion as part of thier ministry, or that he played a character named Buck Williams in the movies about being Left Behind, or even that he has fundamental (heh) problem with his stated profession of acting by going so far as to have his real-life wife act as a stand-in in a kissing scene.

No, my problem is that he is all of these things and yet totally hot. Couldn't he have the decency to look as crazy as he actually is?

HA!

2008-09-13T19:55:00.005-06:00

This is what you find when you Google image people for no particular reason.

Sorry. I'm a liar. I have a reason and the reason is his hotness.

I love you Ryan, and I promise not to make fun of your '90s hair or hilarious exclamatory fonts ever again.

Are These Pictures Actually In My Face?

2008-09-12T00:21:00.007-06:00

Do you like to watch morbidly obese people fall down? Do you like it when black women call themselves "sassy mamma" or when Italians give a shout-out to their 500 paisans back in Brooklyn?

Well then, you racist, offensive son-of-a-bitch, Fox's "Hole in the Wall" is just the show for you! This American remake of a Japanese game show features our nation's fattest, most stereotyped clichés almost literally jump through hoops for your amusement!

I don't know what the point is, I don't know what the prize is, but there is no way this sort of ritual humiliation can be worth it. America did finally implode upon itself on September 11th, but it had nothing to do with airplanes and everything to do with ordinary citizens debasing themselves in shiny jumpsuits for, at most, 9 minutes on television.

I hope you're happy. May the Large Hadron Collider mercifully destroy us all.

David Duchovny in Sex Addict Rehab (And Other Things I Don't Care About)

2008-09-01T21:57:00.004-06:00

First of all guys, Duchovny has been in two good things: "Red Shoe Diaries" and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. Secondly, I don't care about his acting, his face, and especially his personal life. Since I am bored to death of all this David Duchovny gossip going on right now, I thought I'd share a list of other recent news items I'm not interested in:

It's the final season of "The Shield"
Miley Cyrus in general
The Jonas Brothers in specific
The Disney Channel as a rule
Christina Aguilera's baby
Lindsay Lohan's father
Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage

Trig

2008-09-01T21:44:00.002-06:00

Seriously. Republican Vice Presidential nominee Palin named her baby Trig. And she has a son named Track which seems positively reasonable by comparison. However, while you're laughing at Governor Palin's senior class schedule of baby names, don't forget that she doesn't believe any woman should have any option but to have that baby should she find herself pregnant! And McCain totally agrees!

So, while you're in the ballot box this November, laugh and laugh at little Trig's name and think: do you want (or want your partner) to carry mathematical rabebabies, incestbabies, drunkbabies, slutbabies and "oh shit this baby has no head" babies to term? Probably not!

Anti-choice is never cool, no matter how hilarious their names may be. Trig!

I'm a Bad Person for a Variety of Reasons

2008-08-28T14:11:00.005-06:00

There have been no updates because all summer long I've been on a top-secret mission to find out what, exactly, makes Slade of various Bravo! reality programs so sexy. He's obviously a bit fame-whorey and has little more than a stereotypical interest in women but still: I am a fan. Even though his name is Slade. Cum on Feel the Noize indeed.

Here are the results of my mission:

I like his hair
Pretty eyes!
Nice smile
Good arms
Rich?

So there you go. I consider this a summer well spent.

"Pork and Beans"

2008-06-05T19:26:00.004-06:00

So I guess Rivers Cuomo decided to spend his spare time dicking around on the internet like everyone else instead of writing pop songs...you know, that one thing he was good at 15 years ago.

Nashville Fashion(!?) News

2008-05-30T15:20:00.003-06:00

British-born model and Nashville resident Karen Elson has plans to open a vintage clothing store on Belmont Boulevard. We're almost a real city, guys!

She says, "I want to sell everything from vintage Kenny Valenti and rare Ossie Clarke to Valentino couture--but also cheaper vintage stuff to attract a wider audience."

Hey! I'm a wider audience! Can I have some art deco jewellery please? And some nice summery dresses?

She's married to Jack White, but you already knew that. Did you know she is an Obama supporter? Can she vote yet? I hope she can vote. Voting and fashion are cool!

"Stop the Music/Play the Song/And We'll Dance Together/All Night Long"

2008-05-29T16:35:00.004-06:00

Last week, I was given Clay Aiken's On My Way Here so I could hilariously and mercilessly review it. But it is, in a word, unlistenable. I tried, so help me I tried, but I cannot sit and force myself to pay attention to the weak, faux-inspirational meanderings of Mr Aiken. With all due respect.

Instead, here's a story about him becoming a father. Allegedly. That's pretty camp.

She's Totally Going to Blow Up that Building

2008-05-29T14:47:00.003-06:00

You know what Rachel Ray loves even more than shilling partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages for corporations while still maintaining the pretense of being a cook-cum-domestic goddess? Showing symbolic support for Muslim extremists and terrorists, specifically in Palestine. Though it depends on who you ask, of course. The story of Palestine is by no means one-sided, and it could just mean she's a slave to retarded, ill-conceived trends.

In other news, I guess China is done with earthquakes.

I am 10,000% Positive

2008-05-29T14:33:00.004-06:00

I have a secret confession: I'm pregnant. I have another confession: I'm a prostitute. Would it be in poor taste for me to wear this shirt from the Maury Store as an easy way to bring up the topic of my ho-ish infidelity to my abusive, drug-dealing, boyfriend/cousin? Thanks for your help.

COMING SOON: The Adventures of Slim & Howdy

2008-05-23T13:38:00.003-06:00

"When they met, it was like a head-on collision, though with a lot less blood and glass and hissing radiator steam. It wasn't the sort of thing one could insure against, probably wasn't the sort of thing you'd want to. Like trying to keep life from happening to you. Somewhere between impossible and a bad idea to begin with.

It all starts with a chance meeting on a used car lot in Beaumont, Texas, neither man realizing this is a turning point for both. Before they know it, the two cowboys are sharing a beat-up truck, a life on the road, and a dream of making it in the music business. But Slim and Howdy are the Odd Couple of east Texas - and all points west for that matter. Tall and inscrutable behind his shades, Slim is taciturn, cautious, and keeps everybody at a distance. Howdy's got a wild side about a country mile wide. He talks too much, drives too fast, and lays bets where he shouldn't. Slim's a pragmatist with a taste for fine tequila. Howdy's an idealist, searching for the perfect margarita. So at least they have that in common."

Stay tuned.

Oh Wait, Wait, Hang On

2008-05-16T22:55:00.007-06:00

Sorry I haven't been posting, I've just been watching this video for what I assume has been days. I dare you to watch it and then try to do anything productive for the rest of the week.

Pete Doherty...has somehow...won my heart.

Iron Man Will Save America

2008-05-06T00:53:00.005-06:00

So I saw Iron Man the other day and decided a couple of things:

1. It is the greatest film of all time and
2. It will Save America.

"How can Iron Man save America?" I hear you asking. Here's how: the hero is 'elite.'

Yeah, I think it's time Americans started thinking about brains and creativity in a more positive light. Tony Stark (aka Iron Man) is the epitome of elite: wealthy, handsome, charismatic and brilliant. I'm sure the money and sex appeal are grating to all the poor ugly people in the world, but who do you want building our rocket boots and flame suits? Not the guy who got his degree from Hard Knocks University, I'll tell you that. YouTube can confirm it.

I don't see how I'm stupid for wanting rocket scientists to do rocket science and heart surgeons to do heart surgery and economists to do economy stuff, Hilary.

Actually, Hilary doesn't think it's stupid either, but she thinks it's what Americans think and maybe they do. They don't tell me what they think 'cause I went to college. Anyway, if Iron Man can convince people that smart folks can solve some problems, then maybe it will save America.

Also, I'm really glad Robert Downey, Jr never died. He. Is. Hot.

new fings

2008-04-23T16:04:00.006-06:00

For all my tens and twelves of UK readers who are, for whatever reason, really into Nashville and Nashville-related rock music news, I've added a link to a new blog called Indie Ghetto that you should probably check out. That dude knows way more about local shit than I do 'cause I'm too busy worrying about old episodes of "NewsRadio" and like, David Bowie to pay attention.

Another blog I added a whileish ago is Eat to the Beat which is show and food reviews. They are funny and rockin' and tasty and full of all kinds of integrity.

Here's an unnecessary picture of Dolly Parton.

Bam! Don't Care.

2008-04-21T21:57:00.005-06:00

So I was asked how I felt about Kristy Lee Cook's "AI" dismissal and it was hard for me to conjure up emotions - that shit happened like, days ago. Granted, I couldn't stand her smirky little face while it was on my TV but now that it's gone, it's almost as if she never happened. That's what's so great about reality television! I can care and not care at the same time!

There are some people who willingly exploit themselves, however, that are always fun to catch up with. For those of you playing along at home, I created a basic GiveAFuckometer™ to illustrate how important the real life of someone on TV actually is:

As you can see, my general rule is the sadder the person, the more interesting (and entertaining!) the life. "Cops" is the exception because, well, those are mostly poor people.

Ground Floor

2008-04-20T17:59:00.005-06:00

So I'm watching TV and I see a commercial for a new Apatow-related comedy with Mila Kunis, some white guy protagonist who looks vaguely familiar and...Russell Brand?

Yeah, that was jarring. I became intimately familiar with Brand during my 6 months in the UK - I think it's a legal requirement. He's a comedian/actor/television presenter/author/football fan/former junkie/sex addict/sex symbol.

That kind of stuff flys over there.

Naturally, I'm excited about his appearance in America - he's wacky and endearing and British and I support these traits both in principle and practice.

I, for one, suggest we welcome him with open arms and turn this scamp into a 21st-century Hugh Grant. You should probably get on the front line of the zeitgeist now and read his autobiography, My Booky Wook.

I know, right?! How endearingly wacky! Cleaned-up crackheads are the best. But hey, don't take my word for it..."I've heard he's great," says actor Tom Arnold. "I'm anxious to see what he can do."

More Like the WRONG Stuff!

2008-04-07T02:16:00.005-06:00

Like all reasonable 6-year-olds in 1990, I was in absolute love with New Kids on the Block. Years of television and huffing have worn away all but the vaguest memories - a cartoon here, a poster there. I believe a branded sleeping bag was involved somehow. I don't even know how I was aware of pop music merchandising at that tender age, but aware I was and buy into it I did.

To be honest, I can't even remember all of their names anymore without the help of Wikipedia, so forgive me for not exactly wetting my pants over the reunion. No doubt they have bills to pay like all of us, and I'm not against boy band reunions in either practice or principle. I'm just not expecting their new songs to be any fucking good.

Yeah, new songs, that's how I'm judging boy bands from now on. Nostalgia and hardheadedness can excuse away many a classic track, but "Hangin' Tough" sucks and we all know it. If you want me to butter your lo-carb bread, you're going to have to pull out all the stops, my friend. Why should I pay to see you now that you're old and ugly? Chances are you're going to destroy what nice childhood memories I had, vague as they might have been. Give me something new and good, maybe we'll talk.

The Gold Standard of boy band reunions is Take That, a mid-90's Brit act almost totally unknown in he US. "Back for Good" was a minor hit, but Jesus, these guys were huge in the UK. It was kind of a big deal when they reunited (minus Robbie Williams) a couple of years ago, and became an even bigger deal when their new songs were really fucking good.

I want to get married to this song I love it so much.

It's absurd how much money they're making in Britain this very minute, from touring, record sales, song licensing, and even modelling and spokesmanship. It helps that they've actually gotten much hotter with age, something that NKOTB managed to sidestep completely.

So what we have left is this: mostly ugly dudes singing old songs that weren't that great to begin with and new songs that are probably going to suck to a bunch of people that don't really remember them that well anyway. I'm hoping your breath wasn't particularly bated.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

2008-04-06T01:34:00.001-06:00

Charlton Heston dead, cold.

Ew

2008-04-01T11:41:00.009-06:00

Kathy Lee Gifford is going to join the "Today" show. I don't have anything particulary snarky to add to that bizarre fact, just a couple of questions:

1. Why is the "Today" 11 hours long?
2. Kathy Lee Gifford? Seriously?

Rejected Diet Pepsi Max Commercials

2008-03-30T18:51:00.006-06:00

A multicultural group of kids (including wheelchair friend) are playing Nintendo 64 in a lackluster manner before mom brings in Diet Pepsi Max jolts them into a frenzy of sweet 64-bit gaming. "Macarena" plays in the background.
Cult members are resignedly lacing up their Nike high-tops, shrugging their shoulders at the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet. Deciding to chug some sweet Diet Pepsi Max, they change their mind and excitedly jump on their bunk beds with poison and plastic bags in hand. "MMMBop" plays in the background.
A questionably-coiffed First Lady is nervous about being questioned by the grand jury. To pep herself up, she downs a Diet Pepsi Max and stomps assuredly to the microphone. "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" plays in the background.
A lonesome, grizzled man enters his shack and struggles with whether or not to turn on the television. Deciding to take a life-affirming sip of Diet Pepsi Max instead, he jumps up and gets to work on his letter bombs. "Spice Up Your Life" plays in the background.

Hey MTV:

2008-03-29T18:28:00.002-06:00

Nice try with "The Real World: Hollywood." The only problem is you forgot one thing: people like me who remember when you did that city in 1993 and called it "Los Angeles." This isn't even some "New York 2" bullshit, it's just a lie.

Not that it matters, because I won't watch it. In spite of the the Corals and Trishelles you spit out, everyone knows the last good season was Seattle and that was 1998. Ten years ago.

I understand you need to keep topping off your "Real World / Road Rules Challenge" bucket of nasty, but please don't expect me to care about these people. They're not even hot anymore. Not hot like German Lars was. Or even Eric Nies.

I Am Old Now

2008-03-29T18:21:00.003-06:00

I don't know the answers to any of the following questions:

What are The Jonas Brothers? Do they date Miley Cyrus? Are they Nickelodeon or Disney? Are they actually brothers like Hanson, or are they fake brothers like the Doobies? Do they have anything to do with Hayden Panini-tiara? Were they real or invented? Which one is the cute one? Are any of them old enough to be cute? Is there a gay one? Are they popular for real?

Spotlight On: Idols I Hate

2008-03-26T13:16:00.005-06:00

I forget sometimes just how unironic 'American Idol' is. When Kristy Lee Cook sang "I'm Proud to be an American" last night, I thought it was great because I thought it was hilarious. The judges thought it was great because...they actually thought it was great. What?

Sincerity has no place in reality TV, and this freak is Mary Sunshining her way through week after week. I like people who are in on the joke or at least know how to pluck their eyebrows like an adult.

She's so achingly oblivious her personal quote on the 'Idol' homepage is "Rope it, ride it, wrestle it, cowgirl it." What again? If she had a self-aware bone in her body, she would realise this reads like she wants a bone in her body. But no, I think she's actually talking about a rodeo. A rodeo for Jesus, no doubt, who inspires her only a little more than her horses and dog. Whatever.

Oh, and on a final note: fuck you, Kristy Lee Cook for wanting to meet John Hagee (after Jesus and James Franco), one of the most hateful people to have ever lived. I doubt you want to meet him so you can kick him in the nuts, like a person with morals would. You're an asshole and I officially have no time for you starting...now.

Reaching the Coveted "People Who Already Know This" Demographic

2008-03-25T12:41:00.007-06:00

"Move Every Muscle, Make Every Sound" by De Novo Dahl is a good album to buy if you like synesthesia, pretending your life is lived in fast-forward like a silent film, or having sex with attractive people. The album is out today and can be purchased in such fine places as 'stores' and 'the internet.'

Am I Ever Glad I Watched 'The Hills"

2008-03-25T12:09:00.003-06:00

So I watched the pre-show, premier, and post-show Mariah party of "The Hills" last night, and it was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a very long time. Most people would call that admission an example of why I am shallow and dumb, but I shall retort with a bulleted list of things I learned:

Teen Vogue is no place for a fake intern who actually wants a career in fashion - they send them off to Paris with no idea how to pronounce Givenchy!
Blond men should not grow facial hair, as demonstrated by Spencer's pube chin
omg curling irons totally burn fabric!!!!
Mariah Carey does not give a fuck wants you to know it
Rather than showing videos, MTV plays a song over a show but still gives the artist and song title. This is actually a pretty good idea because most music videos are retarded.
Yelle is awesome.
Alicia Keyes is not.

See? You can't learn that shit from a book, nerds! Maybe you should go to the university of life for a semester or two!

Help, Dear Reader

2008-03-24T00:08:00.005-06:00

Easter Bunny presented an egg with an Amazon gift card all wrapped up inside, and am I ever torn. I'm frugal by nature, so when I have money that has to be spent, I freak out that I might make the wrong choice and buy something I won't love every day forever until I die, which would render the money wasted. I can't take the pressure!

Gut instinct: "The Adventures of Pete and Pete."

I probably don't need to tell you it's one of the greatest television shows ever made, regardless of genre or target audience. I know I'd love it and cuddle it and have warm fuzzy dreams about it and probably cry when Artie leaves...but then I'm going to worry I could have bought something even better.

I'm toying with the idea of buying "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" which I've wanted to read for a while, but I have a book backlog as it is and I doubt anyone, "Spin" writer or not, can tell me something about "Saved By the Bell" I don't already know. Plus, it's like 3 years old now. The world didn't even have "Flavor of Love" yet!
So what do you think? Make a recommendation. Tell me what to buy. And please don't make things even harder on me by throwing out "Freaks and Geeks, bitch!" because trust me, I've already thought of that. Oh, and I've also decided I'm going to get into silent films. I'm sure there's a fucking excellent coffee table book on that I'll want, too.

Jarring Realization of the Day

2008-03-19T16:38:00.004-06:00

Matt Stone, as in "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Creators of 'South Park'" is HOT. He's doing something rather Peter Krauseian here and I approve, even though I'm not a fan of that watch.

When the hell did this happen?

Spotlight On: 'Idols' I Hate

2008-03-19T12:57:00.004-06:00

I sometimes feel uncomfortable about criticising people in the public eye. Ali Lohan is just a kid, Britney Spears is clearly mentally ill, and though they, and the people who sign themselves up for the 'American Idol' freakshow are, in a sense, asking for it, they're still people. David Cook is just a guy. A normal guy who clearly is a total douchebag.

There must be something innately horrible in a 25-year-old man (with a soul patch!) who intentionally puts himself on 'American Idol.' And make no mistake, this guy is in it to win it. It's not a stoner joke gone bad (cough-JasonCastro-cough), it's a sincere attempt to become...what? Rich? Famous? Credible?

Hell if I know. The vulgar pop-rock he vomits in my face week after week is by no means going to make him credible, if that's what he's after. Rock + American Idol do not work, unless you are DAUGHTRY™ and this guy clearly is not. I'm not DAUGHTRY ™ fan, but at least he's not a smug asshole who used a vocoder on a Whitesnake version of a Beatles song.

Rich? I seriously doubt it. You can do alright for yourself as Idols: hit the summer tour, go on Tyra and maybe sell some albums to housewives and 11-year-olds, but it's never going to be the coke and titties Jager life you know David Cook wants it to be. He's already too old for this shit, and if he wants success I suggest something in the IT field. He can earn some money and not be in my face at the same time!

So it's got to be fame. He is who he is and he wants us to know every cocky, delusional, date-rapey facet of his fat-faced existence. So I have no problem making fun of him. I'd make fun of him if I knew him in real life, which I basically do. We all do. We've seen him hitting on drunk girls with the line that he's a rocker, we've seen him secretly check his wallet when a black guy walks by, and we've seen him driving down the street with the windows down and Our Lady Peace way up.

Do we really have to see him on TV?

My Spam

2008-03-18T21:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Belove one Based on your profile, l am happy to request for your assistance because I beleive that you are not going to betrayed the trust which I am going to lay on you Dear Beloved i pray all is well with you and Other members of your family. My name is Lily 20 years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs Jones, My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on 12th.November 2005.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time, but God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my Father on November 12th 2005 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told her that he has the sum of(USD$17.5 000 000) Seventeen Milion five hundred thousand dollars left in a metalic trunk trunk box, wich he deposited in a Security Company here in abidjan, that he registered it as family valuable items for security reasons, he told the secretarythat I should contact the Company for them to know me as his next of kin wich I have did as he instructed, He also told the secretary that I should not let any of his relations to know about this because he was kiled by them and if they know about it, that they will do nothing but to kill me in other to take hold of every thing, He told her that I should seek for a foriegn partner abroad who will help me retreived the trunk box and also travel with him or her in other to continue my Live and Education and also to start a Bussines relationship with the person whom can take cear of me in the fucture, My dear, this is why I have come incontact with you in order to help me retreive that trunk box from the Security Companys custody and send it direct to your country and also to make an arrangement for me on how I will come over to your country in other to continue my Live and Education and also to go into bussines relationship with you hence I am still a child and I dont know any thing about bussines, I am just 20 years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do. this is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrowto my life, My dear, I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards and your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded.
Now permit me to ask these few questions: 1. Can I completely trust you? 2.Can you accept me as your own blood Sister (Or Doughter)? 3.What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you? Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible with your full assurance that you will not disapoint me in this issue so that i can give you the contact of the Security Company where my late Father deposited that trunk box for you to contactthem on how the trunk box will be retreived from their custody and deliver to your country, Thank you soo much for your understanding and may almighty God bless you and your Family to the Glory of God Almighty, My sincere regards, Miss Lily.

QUICKLY!

2008-03-17T21:04:00.003-06:00

Why has no one told me there's a show on MTV about dance crews hosted by Mario Lopez and right now they're about to make them dance to showtunes and one crew wears rollerskates and one crew is called Jabberwoceez?

edit: Holy shit and JC Chasez is a judge!

The One Where I Talk About Dancing With the Stars

2008-03-17T11:20:00.013-06:00

If your mom has her panties all in a middle-aged twist, it's probably because "Dancing With the Stars" is back on TV, or will be back on TV soon, or started last week or something. I don't watch reality shows (except Project Runway, American Idol, Top Model, the entire VH1 Celebreality pantheon, A&E crime porn...) so I don't know why this particular formula struck gold with the 'People You Work With and Hate' set, but it looks like we're going to have to deal with the following goddamn faces in "Us Weekly" for the next few months:

Name: Adam Carrola
Occupation: Getting on my fucking nerves.
Your Mom Loves Him: Not so much. He's boorish and sexist and probably hates her because she's over 30.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step down! Not as hot as Dr. Drew and not as funny as Jimmy Kimmel, he basically has nowhere else to go. The fact is, he's probably embarrassed and probably needs the money. He seems like a secret gambler to me.

Name: Kristi Yamaguchi
Occupation: Ice princess!
Your Mom Loves Her: More than she loves you.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Natural progression, for reals. Female Olympians are pretty much retired by 16, and she's got to be like 30 now. It'll keep her in the public spotlight for a little while longer, and I bet she can give shout-outs to the foundations she almost certainly chairs.

Name: Steve "Guttenberg" Bible
Occupation: The 1980's
Your Mom Loves Him: Probably at least a little - he's harmless, like your gay neighbor she inexplicably flirts with.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: He had like a real career once, so this is surely the bottom of a 25-year-long downward spiral.

Name: Penn Gillette
Occupation: Magician, creepy guy.
Your Mom Loves Him: If your mom knows who he is, she probably likes him.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: I...don't know. I've never had less of an opinion on any person, ever.

Name: Marlee Matlin
Occupation: Being Deaf
Your Mom Loves Her: Um, LOADS. Marlee's got more 'Lifetime' cred than wronged wives and kidnapped babies combined.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up, but for handicapped people as a whole. She's here to prove to America that not all disabled star dancers want to have sex with Paul McCartney and steal his money.

Name: Monica Seles
Occupation: Um, athlete? Tranny?
Your Mom Loves Her: I guess? I don't know who this lady is, but she looks like Lance Bass.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up if it's Lady Lance. Step down if it's anyone else.

Name: Marissa Jaret Winokur
Occupation: Jersey girl?
Your Mom Loves Her: She probably likes her a little, because this seems like the kind of chick who's all about being true to herself, and your mom eats that shit for breakfast.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Up up. TV is better than theatre x1000. It's a fact.

Name: Cristian de la Fuente
Occupation: Hot foreign guy.
Your Mom Loves Him: Not at all - yet. I'm sure he'll pull some spicy Latin moves soon enough, though - then she won't stop talking about him from now until his inevitable Jennifer Garner romcom.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step up! Unnecessary reality TV in America trumps whatever prestige one may have had in Argentina or where ever.
Name: Shannon Elizabeth
Occupation: Attractive(?) lady, poker player
Your Mom Loves Her: Nope! She probably gave your dad a boner in 'American Pie.'
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: She has nowhere else to go but...here, I guess.
Name: Jason Taylor
Occupation: Some bald guy
Your Mom Loves Him: This is probably some other sports dude. He's pretty cute and you know your mom is all into the 'non-threatening black guy' thing.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Whatever.

Name: Mario
Occupation: Plumber, comic Italian stereotype
Your Mom Loves Him: Um, she loves him loads just like everyone else in the world! He can turn into a beaver, ya'll! Adorable!
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Step Up. And Bob Hoskins still has a lot to live down. Name: Priscilla Presley
Occupation: Fucking Elvis when she was like, 14 years old.
Your Mom Loves Her: Doubtful. Either she loved Elvis and is jealous or loved the Beatles and couldn't care less about these kind of white trash goings-on.
Step Up, Step Down, Natural Progression: Natural progression. 'Naked Gun' was like 15 years ago.

A Letter of Thanks

2008-03-17T10:23:00.007-06:00

Widows and Orphans of Thailand,

I would like to present my thanks for your production of the Gap Stretch Straight Leg Pant (6 Ankle). Never before have I, a person who is of short stature, encountered a trouser crafted with such attention and care. I am able to walk around without dragging my cuffs, I am able to sit down without the waist pinching, rolling down, or lumping at my stomach, and most importantly, I look way totally cute and skinny when wearing them.

I also appreciate the denim used to make the pants - it can be either dressy or casual, work-appropriate or ready to be vomited on. The dark yet breathable fabric suits itself to both summer and winter wear, and I can honestly say I look forward to introducing my awesome new pants to many a season.

I do hope that you were adequately compensated for your superb work. If not, take heart that your husband, parents, or both have not died in vain - you have brought ass-flattering happiness to thousands of short-not-skinny-not-fat women in the world: this is a letter from but one of them.

Yours Most Sincerely,

Trashley

6 Months! Ish!

2008-03-13T22:01:00.007-06:00

Six months(ish) is a really long time not to blog! Like enough time to get knocked up, get it taken care of and get back on the town.

But nevermind, the moral of the story is this: Garfield Minus Garfield might be the greatest modern art project of our time.

For all these years I thought it was unfunny and I was mistaken: it's macabre and misanthropic masquerading as unfunny! It's very perverse, like reading 'Peanuts' as if Charlie Brown has cancer:

See? Now it's hilarious!

You can apply the 'delusions' or 'secret cancer' conceit to pretty much any lame comic strip, cartoon, basketball game or family reunion you make come across and turn it into Funny Times Party City™.

MY BAD

2007-08-21T14:10:00.000-06:00

Getting ready to move overseas is like, hard and stuff. I've been really busy with banking and cleaning and boxing and throwing away things and packing and deciding which DVDs I love the most. So I haven't been blogging. Whatevs, it's just the internet, you'll get over it.

But please, don't forget to come to the Mercy Lounge this Saturday and bid me farewell. I like to dance and you like free drinks, so everyone's happy, right?

One More

2007-08-13T14:31:00.000-06:00

I will be 'spinning' a thirty-minute set on this very night when I 'DJ' with my 'computer.' At the Summer of Dreamz party, I kept it cheesy and Trashy as hell, but you know what? There are going to be actual hipsters here, so who knows what kind of delicious pop savagery I'll drunkenly inflict upon the masses this time around?

Also, as has been mentioned before, I will be leaving the Middle Tennessee area pretty much right after this event. I've got a visa and I'm going to use it - in London, to be more specific: and to be even more specific, I'm going to use it for the six months I legally can. This clambake is turning into a vague going-away-party of sorts, so if you're my friend or if you're really good-looking, do come down and say bye to me. I just might remember it.

Thirdly, I've been asked by a couple of people if I'm going to continue to verbally vomit on the blogwebs while I'm in the UK. The answer is yes, but there are conditions: at the moment, I have no idea where I'm going to be living, so I'm not sure what my internet access is going to be like. Also, I will have like, a real job (as opposed to candyass classes), so that may also be an impediment. I really don't know yet. But there will be posting, and there will almost surely be posting about Katie Price.

Karl Rove to MC Full-Time

2007-08-13T08:16:00.000-06:00

Hip-hop heavyweight and right-wing svengali Karl Rove is leaving the White House, probably to take some to collect himself and finally write his masterpiece rhyme. It'll be like The Chronic, if The Chronic had been about what a bitch Valerie Plame is.

Keira Knightley

2007-08-11T12:10:00.000-06:00

Will someone please explain? It's like, I think I get it because she's really pretty, but then I see her and all she does is pout. Right now she's in the background pouting in something Arthurian and I saw her on the box of a Pirate DVD pouting like it's the 18th century, then I watched her pout like it was the 19th century and she was a Bennett (god help me). She's the only thing I don't love in Love Actually (the greatest movie of all time). She's not even THAT pretty, maybe. I don't know. I don't hate her, I just...don't get it. It's possible I'm jealous. Is that it? Please someone tell me.

Give Me A Couple Of Days

2007-08-08T10:51:00.000-06:00

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

2007-08-06T19:33:00.000-06:00

Are you dead yet?

High-Fives All Around

2007-08-06T14:20:00.000-06:00

What's that? My new temporary love Daniel Radcliffe is starring in a WWI-era film? And he's playing Rudyard Kipling's son? So in addition to being a historic drama at a historic time, there's also some literary shit thrown in there?

Sign me up. Sign me up forever.

From BWE

Did You Know She Was in "Johnny English?"

2007-08-06T02:04:00.000-06:00

As a general rule, I can pretty much live without Australia. It's really far away, and other than Cate Blanchett and Geoffry Rush (who might as well be British), it hasn't done much for me lately.

Until this past weekend. That's when I learned Daniel Johns, public anorexic and singer of former-teen rock band Silverchair is married to Natalie "Torn" Imbrulgia. And they have been for a few years! Why did no one tell me?

First of all: hilarious. I have no idea what their celebrity status is in the rest of the world, but as far as these harsh American eyes are concerned, I could not have paired this couple up better myself. What little relevance they had has been reduced to VH1 reminisces and bargain CD racks at gas stations. That they found love with one another means a lot to cynical ol' bitchy me.

You know what's even better about Mr. Daniel Johns? His makeover. He really did wage a much-ignored public battle with anorexia, and by the looks of his neck and facial hair he's well on his way to recovery. I think Silverchair is trying to make some sort of comeback.

Oh, Australia. If you keep throwing me these delicious bones eventually I'll have no choice but to admit you exist.

Question...

2007-08-06T01:56:00.001-06:00

Is this guy hot?

His name is Matthew Bellamy and he's the singer/guitarist for Muse. I have absolutely zero opinion on the band: I just have a touch of insomnia and saw a video on VH1. He might be sexy or he might be gross: I probably won't be able to sleep until I find out which. Maybe it's a hint I that had trouble finding a good picture. Maybe it's not his fault most of the pictures were from 1997 when men's hairstyles were, at best, ridiculous. What do you think?

Reading Gets Cooler

2007-08-02T23:07:00.001-06:00

There's pretty much only one thing cooler in this world than reading - that's right kids, smoking. And unless you own your own bookstore, it can sometimes be difficult for the image-conscious reader to find a way to combine these two sexy pastimes into one awesome package. Literally.

Well, worry no longer, hip bibliophiles! TankBooks has published a handful of classic (though dude-centric) titles in cigarette box packaging. If you are a handsome man with a beard found to be reading one of these while enjoying a real-life cigarette, then you, sir, are bound to get laid.

From Yewknee

Made of Trash: Officially Relevant

2007-08-02T14:40:00.000-06:00

I feel as if I've hit some sort of blogger milestone - near-relevance. How do I know? I opened up my inbox to find not one, but two e-mails from friends suggesting topics for skewering.

You guys. You're going to make me cry.

Funnily enough, the two sites/stories they send me kind of work together! I was directed to Elton John's call to 'close' the internet, which: hilarious. Hilarious especially because "He described himself as a luddite when it comes to technology and said he didn't own a mobile phone or an iPod." That's like asking a vegetarian what cut of meat is best or asking a religious male politician what I should do with my fetus! (Oh, wait.)

Elton blah blahs about music and blah blahs about how kids are indoors all the time, but he misses what the internet is really all about: pornography. Which is where my next site comes in - well, it's not porn. But they do talk at great length about loving little girls. Here's what the site looks like (screencap so you won't get arrested):

Cute, right? Well, it's all sugar and shitty design before you actually start to read the thing and figure out it's about adult love and appreciation for little girls. They liken themselves to Lewis Carroll and Alice, but it struck me more as early Humbert and Lo: he said he would never hurt a girl until he ends up raping one.

The friend who sent me that site is a journalist so I'm not going to ask any questions - but still, Elton: if the internet is shut down, these crazy girllovers are just going to roam the streets, swooping down on any children stupid enough not to be inside with their computers and video games! Think ahead, man!

THIS FRIDAY

2007-08-01T16:43:00.000-06:00

My dream? To get to London - and guess what, I'll be gone in less than a month - and will be gone 'til 2008! Come on out Friday night, 'cause I really need the cash and you really need a beer!

Why They Hate America

2007-07-31T15:09:00.000-06:00

Are you a bad parent? Do you like to dress up your children and parade them around like dolls, but still can't get over that nagging feeling your baby looks too - human? Well, luckily for you, there is now a place to retouch those baby pageant photos that you so desperately, desperately need. Really, there's nothing more precious than a child who's had all the life Photoshopped out of their smooth, sad faces. I'm sure little Madison McKayla will never grow to resent you or your waste of her college fund.

(from Broadsheet)

Don't Be Stupid

2007-07-31T14:48:00.000-06:00

Like Danica McKellar, I am both really pretty and totally smart. I'm not as smart as Danica (I don't have a theorem named after me), but I like history and literature and politics and other cool stuff like that. Danica (Winnie Cooper to most) is a math whiz, and she wrote this book to inform young girls that brains and beauty are not mutually exclusive, and I think that is a very awesome thing. You should buy it for a girl you know.

Mormons: Crazy and Racist

2007-07-31T14:31:00.000-06:00

Scientology ain't got nothin' on the Mormons!

I mean, all explanations for religions are kind of crazy, even if it's your own: write it down and try to see it from an outsider's point of view. However, there's got to be a limit, and I propose alien gods and Romans fighting Native Americans be that limit. Double if they're racist to boot. Are there black people in Utah?

I Weep For The Future

2007-07-30T14:42:00.000-06:00

'Comedian' Jimmy Fallon of Taxi and Fever Pitch fame is on the top of NBC's list to replace Conan O'Brien when he moves to "The Tonight Show" in 2009.

I'm not worried about this news for my own sake - I started developing a healthy, inane sense of humor at about 13 years old, and I have to thank Conan, Letterman, and various Kids in the Halls and Mr. Shows for pushing me in the right direction. But oh, won't somebody please think of the children?

If Jimmy Fallon - a man famous for being cute and unable to make it through an unfunny three-minute sketch without cracking himself up - is the late-night host the next generation turns to for cues as to what is and is not hilarious, what is to become of us all? Did I mention, in addition to the unfunny, a man like Fallon lacks the charm, affability, and vital self-deprecation a talk show host needs? I'm pissed.

But I'm not pissed for myself - I'm thinking of my future children. Consider it, friends - Dane Cook is the next logical step.

Most Embarassing Commercial Ever

2007-07-30T14:33:00.000-06:00

This is why I don't date musicians - sexy as they are now, someday they're going to get old and think they've still 'got it' when, quite literally, they don't. They'll just sit around wearing awful Hawaiian shirts and ill-advised vests, singing songs about their erections.

Fuck Anime

2007-07-30T00:30:00.000-06:00

I try not to begrudge the nerds their interests. I understand the basics of a computer and I like Harry Potter (and musicals). I don't have any problems with comic books and I find "Star Trek" fans to be quite good-natured. Live and live, really. But...

I don't understand anime. I don't understand the people who like anime. I don't understand why shitty hyper-sexualized Japanese cartoons about 12-year-old demons are so popular with American basement-dwellers. And I'm not talking about stoned 20somethings who accidental enjoy an episode of "Inuyasha" on Adult Swim, I mean the people who are into it.

When did this happen? Why did this happen? Were there cosplay fanatics before anime, just like there were homosexuals before the 1970s? Why are hardcore anime fans so sexually immature? Why are they so often white women? Why are they so goddamn insistent anime represents a proud Japanese tradition any more than the Smurfs represent Belgium?

I don't like the way they think they know Japan. I'm willing to bet most have been there the same number of times I have (ZERO) which means they don't understand it all, no matter how many messageboards they read. I'm willing to bet anime equals Japan as much as ESPN equals America - they're both popular, but it ain't the whole story.

Why are they so creepy? Where is all their disposable income coming from? Will they grow out of it? Are there anime fans over the age of 45? Why did they decide to make liking cartoons the most important aspect of their personality? Why do they turn anthropomorphic animals into fetish objects? That's fucked up.

I'm afraid this trend I don't want to understand is only going to get worse before it gets better. I noticed an abundance of anime-style Saturday morning cartoons this weekend - making sure the kids are indoctrinated to inane storylines, bad animation, and exaggerated breasts early, are you Fox? Hopefully they'll grow out of it. Pick up a guitar or a pen or take apart an alarm clock and learn something about the world - the real world, not the fantasy one their virginal brothers and sisters pretend they live in.

Yes yes - I'm stereotyping, and isn't it a shame? But sometimes stereotypes are grounded in the truth, and I'm genuinely curious why this bizarre, aesthetically repulsive took over the senses of millions of people who have the gall to call it 'art.'

Things Cops Found in My Pockets That Don't Belong To Me - I Swear!

2007-07-25T18:16:00.001-06:00

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan's been arrested again, only this time she's claiming innocence regarding her blood alcohol level and the cocaine allegedly found in her pocket. While her history is certainly against her, the police are not infallible. Many blameless people are currently unjustly incarcerated in the United States, and let's not forget: everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Don't you watch "Cops?" Anyway, just in case I don't make it out of this weekend unscathed, here's a list of things currently in my possession that totally don't belong to me:

That bag of cocaine I just bought
Prescription pills in my dead grandmother's name
A list of my known enemies titled "To Kill"
The smoking gun
A Horcrux
Pedro, the illegal immigrant who mows my lawn
Jimmy Hoffa's body (which happens to be clutching a JFK assassination confession)
Chinese Democracy
Bruno Magli shoes

Britain, Britain, Britain

2007-07-25T00:49:00.001-06:00

"Oh dear, it appears our town has flooded. I'll put the kettle on."

Love these people.

Lost In Translation

2007-07-24T22:53:00.000-06:00

There's a new Jane Austen biopic coming out soon, and naturally they've condensed the already-short life of one of England's wittiest writers into little more than a love story. Fairly dull lives lived by fairly ordinary people (in spite of their talents) never seem to translate well to film - so I decided to do some Jane Austen translating of my own.

Using the always-reliable Google translate, I popped in one of Austen's most famous lines, jumbled it into foreign gobbeldy-gook, and magically turned it back into English again. Let's see which language manages to stay truest to the original!

The Original: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

Lots of commas and full of sarcasm. Just the way I like it.

Arabic and Back: "It is universally acknowledged, and the fact that the heart of one man carries God must want of a wife."

True to form, Arabic manages to turn a sentence about gold diggers into something about men carrying God in their hearts. Get over yourselves!

French and Back: "It is a universally recognized truth, that a simple man in possession of a good fortune, must be inside want of a wife."

Single turns to simple and the next thing you know he's inside of her. Dirty, dirty French.

German and Back: "It is one confirmed truth, the one individual man in the possession of a luck, must inside its wishes of a woman."

Germans seem to be big on independence and luck. Weren't so lucky in the 20th century, were you Germany?

Japanese and Back: "That is recognized the wife being necessary, generally, the single person who owns that good fortune, there is a truth, it becomes, is."

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Russian and Back: "This is generally true that one person owns a fortune, must be in want of a wife."

And we have a winner! I was betting on French or German to remain the most true, but Russia pulls and upset and wins the prize! The prize being capitalism and screenings of a Jane Austen biopic no one could afford to see, even if they wanted to.

Christmas in July

2007-07-24T14:12:00.000-06:00

My life has been falling together in excellent ways, and the weeks ahead are looking to only be better. Christmas really came early for me this year, and the three presents I've received over the past couple of days are:

1. Staying up until 3:00 this morning to finish the last Harry Potter book. Yay magic!

2. Being informed via anonymous comment Made of Trash's analysis of the Tammy Faye death made it to Slate.com. Yay internet!

3. Finding out minutes later Lindsay Lohan was arrested again for DUI. Yay trainwreck!

4. Learning my favorite people in the whole world, Katie Price & Peter Andre, named their new baby girl Princess Tiàamii.

All is right in Trashley's world at the moment. It is, without question, the Summer of Dreamz.

Hey Paula! Shut the Hell Up!

2007-07-23T11:16:00.000-06:00

I'm often accused of being too sensitive, too quick to cry. Well, you know what? I've never (not even when I was a kid) lost my shit over something as inane as the "Bratz" movie, Paula.

The most hilarious things about this clip?
1. The fact that God was nowhere near the "Bratz" movie - he ain't stupid
2. The way Paula turns being fired from executive producing/choreographing/designing (sure Paula) a movie about ugly dolls into just another example of how people try to hold her rich, privileged ass down.
3. Yelling at her assistants because they are talking about something else in the next room, therefore undermining the tragedy of Paula and the Bratz.
4. Paula Abdul is in her 40s.

Prison is Awesome

2007-07-22T23:40:00.000-06:00

I thought Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason one one of the dumbest movies I'd ever seen, thanks in no small part to the choreographed singalong she organizes in a jail in Southeast Asia. Then I saw this video of inmates in the Philippines doing the entire zombie dance from "Thriller" (balding drag queen girlfriend included) and now I understand Edge of Reason is the most hilariously realistic film ever made. Thanks, Asia.

Um, Why?

2007-07-22T23:20:00.000-06:00

Awards shows are stupid and half the fun is in hating the nominations, so here we go: "Dick in a Box" is nominated for an Emmy, but "Lost" isn't? I mean, "Dick in a Box" was no "Lazy Sunday," and did you miss the last sixteen episodes of Season 3? I blame Bai Ling. And how exactly is Jenna Fischer a "supporting" actress? Isn't the show about Pam and Jim? Ah, I also see Tom Selleck and Matthew Perry are in the same category as Jim (fucking) Broadbent, William H. (fucking) Macy and Robert (fucking) Duvall. Just think about that one for a second. Whatever, Emmys. My only hope is if Hugh Laurie somehow manages to win everything. I like to believe he did some excellent directing, writing, set design, and special effects work last year.

Laterz, Tammy Faye

2007-07-22T23:07:00.000-06:00

Few things in the world fill me with more rage than evangelical Christians, but I've never had a problem with Tammy Faye. She always seemed to be more "I heart Jesus!" than "I hate science and feminists!" and I can't really fault her for that. Plus, she loved the gays, just like I do. She loved them so much, in fact, one of her final wishes was to have a gay minister conduct her private funeral service. I'm too young to remember any of the PTL scandals, and unless I'm mistaken, wasn't most of that her husband's fault? Anyway, the best things about Tammy Faye were her open-armed embrace of camp and the way she understood her place in pop culture. I'm going to forget I ever saw her frail, gaunt body with less than 48 hours left in it on Larry King. I'm going to remember her for what she'd want me to - her eyelashes.

"Order of the Phoenix"

2007-07-18T23:47:00.000-06:00

It would be presumptuous of me to say Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the greatest movie ever made, simply because I haven't seen every movie ever made. It is, however, the greatest movie of all movies I've ever seen.

Why? I'll tell you why. Danger. Excitement. Romance. Rebellion. Daring escapes. Broken hearts. Inconceivable bravery. Inconsolable grief. Raw Youth. And all with magic.

Really, if nothing else, you need to see the Harry Potter films so you can hone your game-playing skills. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon has nothing on the cast in these movies - you've got Hans Gruber, Mother Superior (+ tons of Shakespeare), Margaret Schlegel/Nanny McPhee, the evil (but hot) Colonel William Tavington, Helen Schlegel/Marla Singer, fucking Amon Göth, AND Dracula/Sid Vicious/Beethoven - without even counting the kids!

Defeat - And Challenge

2007-07-18T00:10:00.000-06:00

How was there any way for me to know a cute Barbadian girl would inspire so much vitriol in the blog reading public? Rihanna and her umbrella have been the hottest topics on Made of Trash since ever, and I'm finally willing to accept defeat. "Umbrella" is not the best pop song to come out this year, and therefore unworthy to be the official theme tune of my Summer of Dreamz.

So, what song should it be? Anything hot and danceable hit the turntables recently that has the moxie to catch the hearts and souls of dreamerz all around?

Hey Nashville!

2007-07-17T23:32:00.000-06:00

You've read about it in the papers, you've heard the kids gossiping in the streets...now it's time to see (and hear and feel) exactly what it's all about!

The first Summer of Dreamz dance party will take place Friday, August 3rd. At the 5 Spot. In the East Side. I will play sexy music alongside DJ Bawston Sean and Linwood Turncoat, so make sure you come over and shake shake it with the prettiest dreamerz Nashville has to offer.

Bring some cash, bring some smilez, and don't forget - bring your dreamz. They will come true.

help plz

2007-07-17T01:06:00.000-06:00

Someone please tell me how to feel about A) This single and B) Billy Corgan's comedy kimono. I'm so conflicted! Do wonderful memories of the past allow one to overlook the seeming mediocrity of the present? That kimono is a joke, right? This song is better than anything Panic! At the Disco will ever do, right? Am I just old? Already? There are too many feelings!

Dear MSNBC,

2007-07-16T00:48:00.000-06:00

So I'm reading an article about these poor (though not hot, I checked) Turkish musicians brought to court for a song about raw youth and rebellion when I run across this paragraph:

Gathered in a cramped Istanbul recording studio, the Deli musicians don't look like stereotypical punks — no spiked hair, lip studs or drugs. They're in their early 20s, polite, mild-mannered and irreverent. And all passed the university exam. Vocalist Cengiz Sari is studying to become an art teacher. Base guitarist Enis Coban studied textile manufacturing.

I can ignore the musician stereotypes (only losers have lip studs, FYI) because the writer is probably a 45-year-old man who hates his gay son, but seriously, it's spelled bass guitar. Say what you will about the evils of state-run media, at least they fucking spell-check.

Hero: BEAR GRYLLS

2007-07-15T00:14:00.000-06:00

You know how television shows try to hit certain target audiences, like "Men 18-35" or "Women 35-50?" I've always wondered if there could be a show that appeals to everyone, everywhere, from all walks of life - and I think there is. I may have found the perfect television show.

It's called "Man vs Wild" and stars a guy - no, a MAN called BEAR GRYLLS (caps lock, natch), a mountain climber/British Special Forces person/survivalist/overachiever. Basically he drops down into inhospitable territory with naught but a knife, a flint, and a water bottle to help him survive. He builds fire, makes bows and arrows, drinks his own urine, eats raw zebra meat, climbs out of quicksand and pretty much alpha males the fuck out of anyone you've ever known. That's the part of the show the men can enjoy.

For the ladies? BEAR GRYLLS talks about the wild, untamed beauty of nature. He cooks a mean piranha. He knows a lot about trees, birds, and ancient tribal cultures. He would happily rescue you from an alligator. Most importantly - he's hot. Super hot. Really really sexy and super cool good-looking. What I'm saying is I've seen him drink his own urine and I'd still make out with him.

Do you think BEAR GRYLLS would mind if I'm kind of an indoors girl? I mean, hopefully not every date would involve squeezing water from elephant dung. 'Cause that's gross. I'm sure this show has been done before, after all. I just doubt it's ever been done as sexily.

Rihanna - "Umbrella"

2007-07-13T10:19:00.000-06:00

Greatest pop song of the summer, of the year, or the past five years?

Discuss.

Summer of Dreamz - The Genesis

2007-07-11T14:14:00.001-06:00

You know what you want to do? You want to head over to the Nashville Scene and read Tracy Moore's excellent article about Summer of Dreamz. Don't fool yourself into think it's a Nashville-only thing, of course. Summer of Dreamz can live anywhere, anytime.

That’s how grassroots movements start, I guess. Take a simple platitude, toss in a universally accepted theme, and you’ve got a bona fide cultural revolution on your hands. Summer of Dreamz has now been blogged, referenced, co-opted and internalized like a hot new catchphrase. It seems people are dreaming unafraid, no longer paralyzed by the fog of fear that prevents us from really grabbing life by the balls.

See? Do it. Read the article. Live your Dreamz.

Question...

2007-07-11T00:06:00.000-06:00

Do I still think Daniel Radcliffe is hot?

Pros: Young, Gifted, and British; funny; overall symmetry of face; pretty pretty blue eyes!

Cons: Leatherdaddy vest; bizarre stubble; overzealous eyebrows.

Please, please help me.

God's a Smoker

2007-07-10T14:04:00.000-06:00

When I say I love England, I mean it. It's not my fault if they consistently prove themselves to be better than Americans in oh so many ways - and now I have to add clergy to their list of awesome. While American ministers and priests are busy building creation museums or molesting children, English vicars are apparently punk rock.

A vicar who lit his pipe in a Kent police station as a protest against the smoking ban has failed in his attempt to get himself arrested.

The Reverend Anthony Carr, of East Peckham, walked into the station in Tonbridge, asked to report a crime and then started smoking.

He said he flouted the ban to protest against the erosion of civil liberties.

I'm kind of sad he didn't get arrested. I mean, sure, he's not blowing up an abortion clinic like an American clergyman would, but surely this protest against the erosion of the civil liberties of badass smokers is worth a few hours in a cell!

When officers told him he would not be "bundled into" the back of a van he said "what a pity".

"What a pity," is what he said. How awesome is that? Though your protest didn't achieve your desired effect, you're still a hero in my eyes, Reverend Anthony Carr. I'll bring over a carton of Marlboros just for you, cowboy.

I Hope You CHOKE

2007-07-09T00:39:00.000-06:00

Have you seen that Hardee's commercial with the Zach Braff voiceover? Or maybe it's Wendy's. All I know is it pisses me off and makes me want to vomit blood. I hate Zach (Zack?) Braff and his loud stupid voice telling me to eat burgers. Didn't he try to ruin The Shins for everyone? Fuck off, Zach Braff. You don't tell me what to do.

I Think I Love You

2007-07-09T00:11:00.000-06:00

You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of celebrity crushes they have. It's clear that I'm an Anglophile who prefers kind of weird-looking men in their 30s and 40s. From time to time, though, I creep myself out and develop a crush that seems wrong in both genesis and intensity. My current New Love is Michael Cera, best known as George Michael Bluth on "Arrested Development." A young teenager when the show was on, Michael has grown into...a guy who turned 20 last month. He is cute. He is funny. He makes good TV shows and probably good movies and definitely good comedy on his website, Clark and Michael. I'm not saying he's going to want to marry me. I'm just saying it seems like we would have a lot in common (omg I like British Sea Power too!) and probably be really good friends. I could buy him beer and we could go to rock shows and make jokes and give one another awkward kisses goodnight, just like good (attractive) friends do.

Amy Winehouse Simpson

2007-07-03T21:22:00.000-06:00

I Hate Spain

2007-07-03T08:11:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to pass a Spanish class, so I'll start writing again when I feel like it. Verb tenses are dumb. So are nouns. All of it.

Trashley Simpson

2007-06-29T18:28:00.000-06:00

This is what I'd look like as a "Simpsons" character. Note the thick waist and lack of a smile - it's eerily accurate! (Though my eyes don't float off of my face. Usually.) Want to make your own Simpsons-thing? Go here, and make sure to screen grab because they don't have a 'save' option. There's nothing like a little free internet promotion to make sure people check out your summer blockbuster that should have been released 15 years ago!

Context!

2007-06-29T13:07:00.000-06:00

I wonder what happened to Blind Melon's Bee Girl? What if they're dating?? That would be as awesome as an independent coffee shop that also sells used records.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

2007-06-29T12:54:00.000-06:00

Well, car bombs in London today - drawing features an almost-exact quote from a real-life Londoner. Oh, how I admire their world-weary attitude.

This Blog is Rated...

2007-06-28T16:13:00.000-06:00

That's what the internet says, so it must be true.

Moving On

2007-06-26T18:04:00.000-06:00

I've moved on (a little) from yesterday's love of Hanson. I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm more mature - the things I loved when I was twelve mean a little less today. Why? Well, I found a setlist from a recent Smashing Pumpkins reunion show. Now the things I loved when I was fourteen are all I care about.

Highlights, you say? Well, how about: Today, Bullet with Butterfly Wings, Rocket, 1979, Tonight, Tonight, Zero, Disarm, Shame, Silverfuck, and Hummer. That's at least a solid 35 minutes of fucking awesome right there, kids. Certainly worth any new songs thrown at my face.

Gah, the '90s. I need to buy a babydoll dress and combat boots.

Happy Birthday

2007-06-26T14:23:00.001-06:00

Made of Trash has been here for a year now.

I really need to get out more.

Da Shop Boyz: Culturally Retarded or Calling Us Out?

2007-06-26T12:42:00.001-06:00

I'm betting you've heard the hip-hop hit "Rock Star" by Da Shop Boyz. At first I thought it was an okay song that reaffirmed the message of smarmy music journalists around the world: rap is the new rock because raw youth believes it to be more dangerous and sexy. But now, upon repeat listens, I'm torn - the song is total bullshit. Maybe.

The lyrics to "Rock Star" offend me on a very personal level: not because of the references to 'hos' and 'bitches,' but because there isn't a current, decent example of a rock star in the whole goddamn song. If you're going to write about pop culture, relevance is key. This of course begs the question: are they intentionally using passe examples as an exercise in irony, or are they really that stupid? Here's a list of the name-checked 'rock stars:'

Pamela (Anderson) - Not a rock star, but sleeps with some of the more famous party guys. Hasn't been even close to sexy for about 15 years.

Marilyn Manson - Is this who rappers consider a rock star? Are rappers 15-year-old Nebraskans living in 1994?

The Osbournes - If they had just mentioned Ozzy, it would have been fine. He does a ton of drugs, like rockstars are supposed to. But to bring in the whole family (on a golf course, no less) takes the bite out of the premise.

Travis Barker - I know who he is, but I really don't care. Does anyone care? I have no idea.

"cowabunga/totally dude" - Were the Ninja Turtles rock stars, or is this the key to everything? No one likes dead slang.

So what do you think? Are Da Shop Boyz totally ignorant of the rock music culture they profess to live, or are they taking the piss out of rock fans for not having any new icons? Or am I way overthinking a mildly catchy dance song?

Paris Out of Jail

2007-06-26T03:26:00.001-06:00

I still really, really don't care, but I feel like I must make one comment - this is the best I have ever seen her look. It's kind of like she's an actual person for the first time in her life. Also? I want that jacket - it beats Martha Stewart poncho by miles.

Help a Bitch Out!

2007-06-25T12:40:00.000-06:00

Friends,

You see that flashing thing over there on the right? It's my first ever ad, and it's for Hanson. Actually, it's an ad for Hanson plus an awesome contest where the person who directs the most traffic to their site will have a song written about them - BY HANSON.

I don't know if you can fully grasp how much that would mean to me. I loved Hanson. Loved them truly, with all of my little heart. (I was a Taylor girl, of course.) To participate in this contest feels a bit silly, but in the depths of my pop-culture obsessed brain, it's all making perfect sense. The idea that there is a glimmer of a chance Hanson (the actual real-life Hanson) could write a likely unreleased, by-the-numbers pop rock song about me (based on a survey I fill out, I think) would mean more to me than probably anything, ever.

Seriously. So please, click the link. Tell your friends to click the link. Teach your grandma how to use the internet and ask her to click the link. It's going to be there starting now until mid-September, so you might as well get it out of the way.

Yours,

Trashley

Underage Crush of the Year

2007-06-25T12:17:00.000-06:00

Move over, Harry Potter - meet Jesse Lange. I found a clip this 16-year-old high school student on Best Week Ever going to town on O'Reilly. Since I don't watch Fox News, I can't put this 'controversy' in perspective, but it sounds totally innocuous and I'm glad there are underage hotties like Jesse sticking up for reason and (by means of exact quotes) hilarity. Love you!

O Noes!

2007-06-25T11:50:00.000-06:00

Advertising has worked wonders on me, because I am now 100% positive these two men, whose names I don't even know, are starring in the best television show I'm never going to watch. Why? I think they might be funny, and I know they're kind of hot. Even though I'm getting some dirty hipster VD vibes, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care. That's how they do it in the NZ.

Thanks, HBO. Thanks, "Flight of the Conchords." Keep on doing whatever it is you do, I guess.

Hey, Look!

2007-06-24T19:29:00.001-06:00

I found a very scientific diagram thingie I made a few years ago - it shows the decreasing age of Hugh Grant's romantic interests in films over the years. I'm what you call a 'visual thinker.' So is Hugh Grant, I imagine.

Trashley Illustrates a Current Event!

2007-06-22T09:33:00.000-06:00

Holy Fucking Shit! The iPhone is almost here!

Friday Quiz - 22 June

2007-06-22T00:46:00.000-06:00

Oops! I'd forgotten about Friday Quizzes. Bad Trashley! Here's an all Summer of Dreamz edition! Only ten questions, summer ain't got time for 20! Answers in the comments!

1. Who was the founder of the Lilith Fair?
2. Who was the founder of Lollapalloza?
3. Who were the fouders of Live Aid?
4. Who were the founders of Farm Aid?
5. Which summer blockbuster starring Will Smith was released first: Men in Black, Independence Day, or The Legend of Bagger Vance?
6. Which summer blockbuster was NOT an animated film: Finding Nemo, Madagascar, or 8 Mile?
7. What was the first-ever Nickelodeon movie?
8. What cult comedy starring members of "The State" takes place at a Jewish summer camp?
9. In television scheduling terms, what it is called when a show is on hold for the summer?
10. Why, in 50 words or less, is the extened September-May television season (featuring numerous reruns) irrelevant?

Question...

2007-06-22T00:44:00.000-06:00

Is Tim Roth hot?

Answer: yes. He is also awesome in every way you could imagine, plus 10. These are true facts.

Paul McCartney

2007-06-20T00:34:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do with you. My feelings about your recent record promotions are, at best, conflicted. Let's start off with your new album title, Memory Almost Full. Um, the hell? Just because it's the 21st century doesn't mean you have to make everything seem all cool and computer-y and tech-forward, which I'm almost certain was your goal. Just because it sounds like something teh yoof would buy, it doesn't necessarily follow that they will. Moving on, my second issue is with this photo. It's for promoting the record at Starbucks, which I don't have a problem with - what I hate is the pose. Seriously. It's probably the douchiest thing you could have done, and that makes me mad. Let go of your jacket, unpucker your lips, and just smile. It's not that difficult.

And here's where the conflict comes in - I can't decide if this iPod/iTunes commerical is the cutest, most affable thing you've done since I was born, or if it's just on the other side of "High as Fuck." A mandolin? No.

Look, I'm not one of those people who's going to give you a free pass forever because you were cool when you were in your early twenties. Most people are cool when they're young. Even though I really, really want to like you, you're pretty inconsistent when it comes to music, the press, and self-promotion. My advice to you is this: stop trying so fucking hard.

I Miss LOST

2007-06-18T12:41:00.000-06:00

So, just eight more months until the fourth season of "Lost." That's really, really too much for me to bear. I need that show in my life, but all I have now are DVDs and clips of the actors in other roles.

Here's Matthew Fox with stupid, stupid '90s hair playing it cool on "Party of Five." This scene paid for that ugly tattoo we had to have a whole fucking episode about. Hate.

Michael Emerson kills people in Saw, which I haven't seen. I still think he's less annoying than Matthew Fox. Reluctant Love.

Josh "Sawyer" Holloway dumbs it down a notch on "CSI." He must be like the world's greatest method actor. Bad Actor Love?

Henry Ian Cusick does something called "Murder Rooms," and I have no idea what's going on, but I do know he's in late Victorian costume drinking tea and I will love him until I die. TRUE LOVE.

Question...

2007-06-14T23:40:00.000-06:00

Is John Donne hot?

If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

2007-06-13T00:42:00.000-06:00

I saw Knocked Up last weekend. While I laughed a lot and thought it was pretty good overall, the real magic of the movie hit me a few hours later.

Remember the guy who can't cut his hair?

That's fucking Bill Haverchuck.

The actor's name is Martin Starr, and he's kind of pretty hot now. Like, Krumholtz hot. I'm sure there's a lesson in here somewhere. It probably has something to do with beards.